A big surprise...

The past few days have been very weird for me. Scratch that....Last Wednesday was a very hard day for me and the days that have since followed have been different. Last Wednesday I am sitting in a dreary cold office on a boring conference call when one of my fellow employees pops in to bring me a fax. When I gazed at it I think my mind froze for at least a whole minute. I just couldn't believe what was in front of my eyes. It was clearly from my mother (even though it was a few minutes later before I read her words to me) as the sensitive information couldn't have been important to anyone else. I was staring at the obituary of the man who was my stepfather for 15 years of my life. The man who taught me a lot and at the same time physically and mentally abused me all of those 15 years. After I left home when I was 17 I never saw him again. It doesn't mean though that I didn't always look over my shoulder wondering where he was at. My mom, step-father, and me were originally from a small town in Alabama. I had always hoped that he had decided to go back there once my mother got enough courage to leave him a few months after I did. Over the years I have tried to "google" him and such but never had any luck. It seems my mom was doing the exact same thing. For the last 16 years this man has still been consuming my thoughts and invading my dreams. Now let me say that it isn't an every day, every minute kind of thought but he was always lingering around the corner of fear. I have forgiven this man along time ago and even now can truly be sure of that but it doesn't mean I forgot.

So seeing this obituary just invoked a crazy mixture of emotions that I couldn't even sort through until late that night. The obituary stated that he was back in Alabama and it seemed he died of cancer. There was no funeral but a small memorial then visitation at his daughter's (real daughter older than me) house. He never remarried and I was relieved to see there were no other children involved.

The rest of the day was kind of hazy. I told Phillip and he was shocked too. I think he immediately worried about how long I was going to hold in my true emotions before breaking. I love that he knows me so well. I was also perplexed in the way my mom told me. I mean who sends a fax to their daughter? Not only that but above the obituary was an endorsement from mom that stated, "I love you, Mom-Rejoice!" I mean that in its own will have to be another entry.

I finished my day out with a wonderful night of dinner with some great friends, good conversation with Phillip, tucked my sweet children into their safe beds, and ended up in prayer. My prayer in God turned into a conversation to my stepfather. It was really powerful. I truly believed that if he did receive salvation in his final years that God would let him hear me at that moment. I talked of forgiveness, some good memories and valuable lessons he taught me. Then in the next breath I whimpered in anger about all that he did to me and how I hope he was man enough in the end to accept God. It felt good really good. It was better than any therapy that I could have paid for. I ended up wanting nothing else in this world than to have my husband cradle me in my arms. It was finally over.
Since then I have been at a quiet peace. I haven't had one bad dream in almsot a week. Maybe I will stop bothering all of you with these depressing entries now. Okay probably not. It was like I had closure by having an invincible conversation but hey whatever works right?
So at the end of these many many words you are probably wondering how am I going to relate this event to a lesson about God? Well I worry about my step-father's salvation. I actually am debating on getting in touch with the daughter or pastor, now that I have their addresses, to see if they could tell me about his last years. I guess I would just like to know that in the end he became the man that God always wanted him to be. His life was no less than mine. He was no less of a child of God than I am. God loved him just as He loves me. Our Father witnessed him make horrible mistakes just as He watches me. God could have easily forgave him like He daily forgives me. I am done with judging. I think our time is quickly coming when judgement will be over with and all we have left is eternity.
I urge each of you, including myself, to stop playing around. Don't hide anything from the One who knows all. Just lay it all down and please let it go. There are things I have done in my short life that are worse than what my stepfather did to me and my mother. However by the Grace of God I have been forgiven. While my sins are hard for me to swallow it is amazing to me that He handles it so easy. It is just like when your own children does something so incredibly wrong and all you want to do is pick them up and hold them forever. God does the exact same thing for us every single time. God bless to all of my favorite friends and followers.
2 Samuel 22:2-4
He said:
"The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield and the horn of my salvation.
He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior—
from violent men you save me.
I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and I am saved from my enemies.

Just another day...

Once again I end my night wondering if I failed as a mommy. Now don't feel sorry for me because I know I am pretty good rockin' mom but just feeling like I let my children down tonight. I got home, cleaned house, talked to hubby, acknowledged the kids, fed the kids, and then we really didn't connect until around bed time. Isn't that sad? We had a great bed time with barrels of laughter and many songs. Now in the silence of bedtime I keep asking, "Gosh what else would I have done different?" Gee I wouldn't have focused on texting, facebooking, and TV watching. My kids are really lucky compared to what other kids are having to be subjected to now a days. That isn't enough though. They deserve more. Our life together means more than just a few happy moments a day. It is so hard though to get my selfish tendencies out of the way. I mean it is a new attitude adjustment every day. Sometimes it works and sometimes I fail miserably. For example like today. You know the great thing though? My kids love for me never changes or diminishes. So I can fail but they still love me. Sound familiar? Oh that is right. Our Father is exactly the same way. Isn't it amazing the similarity between the love of your children and the love of your God? Their love is both so strong, ever lasting, and resilient. There are days when I am devoted to Him the whole entire day. I start with my Bible, I pray fervently, I open my heart to Him, and end the day with my Bible. Then there are days when I text, facebook, and watch TV. Yeah I suck. I am so in awe though that my kids and my God give me a clean slate everyday. I can start a new and be forgiven for what happened or didn't happen the day before. That is true and pure love and I am a blessed woman. I am just proud that I keep having the drive and desire to be better each day. So many parents and children of God think they reach a point where all can't be forgiven. They have taken so many wrong turns that one right won't make it right. Well they are wrong and they shouldn't give up. They fail themselves, their children, and their God. Please pray that I one day will get on the right path and never look back. I just can't be one of those moms that fail my kids. I pray that every little sleeping angel tonight wakes up in the morning to a mother and/or father that attempts to be better. I pray that every single person tonight wakes up in the morning with the burning fire of The Holy Spirit in their soul and a new found dedication to God. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
Psalm 119:104-106
I gain understanding from your precepts; therefore I hate every wrong path.
Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.
I have taken an oath and confirmed it, that I will follow your righteous laws.

From the voice of babes...

This entry is going to be sweet and simple with the intent of making you smile. So yesterday I had to teach the 3 yr old class in church. Most of the time Phillip goes with me but I didn't have a lot of kids so I encouraged him to go to the service. Quite honestly I kind of enjoy teaching by myself so I can act like a kid without being judged. So we played, read books, colored, did a great demonstration of Jonah in a large fish, and then had snacks. At the end of the class I told the kids that we were going to play a music game. When the music was on you had to clean up as fast as possible. Each kids was designated an area to clean. If the music stopped you had to clean up super slow. Whoever cleaned their area first could join me on the rug to dance. So of we go with such enthusiastic hearts. It only took 3 quick rounds of fast clean up before I had a small gathering of bopping feet around me. Then a smart minded little boy comes tugging on my shirt.
"You know I don't think God likes it when we dance at church. You should have told us whoever cleaned up first could then pray. God would approve at that."
I being the much more wise adult was left speechless. I had to smile, giggle, and then get down on my knees to be eye level with this little genius.
"You know what? How about we all stop and pray that you finish cleaning your section and then we can dance in celebration?"
"Okay that works for me as long as God is happy."
I have no doubt that God got a huge chuckle out of that conversation. Also no matter how much praying we did "the little angel" never did clean up his section.
God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers...
Mark 10:14-16
When Jesus saw this, he was indignant.
He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them,
for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.
I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child
will never enter it."
And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them.