God's Daily Grace

A Happy Little Pill...

2011-09-28T22:11:00.001-04:00

Something strange happens to a woman after you hit the BIG 30. Goodness gracious I can’t imagine what the 40’s has in store for me. Everything just goes out of whack. Patience is dropped, levels of annoyance are heightened, hormones are on a rollercoaster, things sag in all areas, etc. I could keep on going.

The sweet hearted happy go lucky 20’s have officially vacated this body. What has been replaced is nothing to brag about or even understand.
Now I am stubborn when it comes to any forms of medication. It takes a lot to make me pop a Tylenol yet the doctor has loaded me down this year. “Trust me”, she says, “This can only make you happy. “ HHHMMMMMMM???? Happy? What does that word really entail.
I have a lot of friends over the age of 30 and some who take certain forms of “happy pills”. We always joke that there isn’t anything our happy pill can’t fix.
So a dear friend of mine who is struggling with the concept of 30’s came to me to ask for some advice about some emotional and physical issues. Me being the jovial sort said, “Just tell them you are old and in need of the happy pill.” So I was laughing yesterday when she did in fact make a doctor’s appointment for the next day and was cheering about her happy pill. Immediately after though my heart dropped and my soul suddenly became burdened.
I am not sure why the effect of those words bothered me so but I was up all night contemplating what to do. Then in my devotional this morning I was reading about how it is a disgrace to dishonor God by not cultivating your spiritual gifts. “You are the sole owner of your own set of talents and opportunities. God has given you your own particular gifts-the rest is up to you.” I truly believe I have been graced with the gift of encouragement and testimony but the last one scares the crap out of me!!!!!
So it took a few long hours and a last minute knock on an office door to share the word of God with a co-worker and a friend. “Call HR if you want but I just have to throw something out there. Today when you leave from the doctor’s office you will either have a prescription in your hand or a disappointment in your heart; however there is really only one form of a happy pill. While we all need different forms of love whether it be pills, attention, affection, or material things: there is truly only one happy pill. I look at you and I see perfection because God made you. I also see someone who just can’t understand that and has allowed that insecurity to overshadow the beauty of your soul. No relationship is perfect, no day is perfect, and we definitely as people aren’t perfect. Yet the beauty comes from accepting that every situation and/or relation will never compare to the PERFECTION of our Father. So while I hope you get something that calms your anxiety a little bit; I pray more that you will love yourself as much as God loves you. When you accept that kind of grace then everything else fails in comparison.”
Now I hope I don’t have HR waiting for me tomorrow! J I do however hope that I touched someone’s life with words of encouragement and I hope you are one of those.
Blessings to all my faithful friends and followers.
“Moreover, when God gives someone wealth and possessions, and the ability to enjoy them, to accept their lot and be happy in their toil-this is a gift of God.”
Ecclesiastes 5:19

A kiss goodbye....

2011-09-26T20:43:00.004-04:00

A kiss goodbye…

My children are the lightest sleepers in the world once there is a hint of sunrise in the sky. One door squeak, a kitten meow, or dog bark, and these little bundles are wide awake. To a mom who wants to enjoy every single second of sleep this becomes extremely annoying to me. So it use to really bother me when every morning before Phillip would walk out the door he would go into their rooms and kiss them goodbye on their cheeks. Okay I know that sounds mean of me but seriously!!!! As soon as he closes the door to start his day; my extra 15 minutes of sleep is ruined by tugging hands and snotty noses. Grrrrrr…..

Now the amazing wife that I am (them just jokes) I try to think things through before becoming the annoying nagging wife. Even though I am certain the reason Philly does this is to just annoy the heck out of me…maybe just maybe there is another reason. Then I am quickly reminded that my lovingly adoring hubby does the same thing each night too. He locks the door, turns off the lights, and then through our monitor I hear him squeak into each child’s room and kiss them on their forehead and whisper to them goodnight. It kind of reminds me of the book I Will Love You Forever. It has become a nightly routine of him showing his love to his children.

After almost 13 years of marriage I like to think I know my husband very well. He is very much a visual person and needs to be reminded about things in the same way. (Ex: picture of diamond earrings cut out of a catalog taped to refrigerator 5 months before Santa.) I truly believe/know that there are two reasons for Phillip’s tender actions towards his children daily. First; he wants to start his day knowing what he is living for. The very purpose of our day and lives is wrapped up in the existence of these children so Philly wants a visual remembrance of them. I think it keeps him balanced and ready to take on any hardships of the day. Secondly; the kiss goodnight is a way for him to see his daily blessings. No matter what happens to us in the disappointing day how blessed we are to have those two sweet children. When he prays at night he always dedicates his love to them first and I can’t imagine a better picture of blessings then our children wrapped up in their blankets snoring away.

So I guess I am not going to complain about it; however I would like to find some WD40 to put on those doors! I will instead use it as a lesson in how I should praise my God. I truly believe that first thing in the morning is the best time to praise and connect with our Father. Instead of waking up and already carrying the weight of the day why not just hand over the big heavy box of burden to God? Let him dissolve any suffering and/or worry that boggle down your day. While our children are the reason for living here in this mediocre world God is our reason for making it to the ultimate destination. So why not carry that purpose with you throughout the whole day? Even a simple 2 minute devotion puts me in an elevated state of mind to live a glorious day for God.

“Is is good to praise the Lord and make music to your name, O Most High, proclaiming your love in the morning and your faithfulness at night,”

Psalm 92:1-2

Then how after a day of being able to just breathe can you not extend faithfulness to God? While I am not an anthropologist by any means; how can we not realize the depravity that this world is enduring and be thankful for the little or A LOT that we have? I can not imagine the sorrow that dwells in Heaven when we ignore the blessings and grace of God. “My child I gave you life today! Is that not enough?” We must overcome our guilt and recognize our Holy Father in Heaven on a daily basis so we do not lose direction.

“I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me.”

Psalm 16:7

If only I could physically see my Lord and I could kiss Him each morning and tenderly hug Him each night so then I would never lose focus. As not to leave the love my husband has for me and of course to brag; I get a kiss each morning and each night too. Hopefully I am a part of his blessings also.

I pray that you are constantly reminded from sunrise to sunset of God's glorious plan for your life and the daily gifts He bestows on your.

Blessings to my faithful friends and followers.

"But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble. You are my strength, I sing praise to you; you, God, are my fortress, my on God on whom I can rely."

Psalm 59: 16-17

Cleaning Day

2011-09-19T15:43:00.003-04:00

Sunday is the typical cleaning day for the Danciu household. No one enjoys it and least of all my little piglets. There is no such thing as a joyful heart when it comes to my kids and cleaning up their rooms. The irony is every Saturday night all I get is promises of being a happy helper for the next day. Yeah right! So this past Saturday I talked about the importance of cleaning up our rooms and how it is equivalent to cleaning up our hearts for Jesus. You need to make a nice spacious place to rest and feel at home. During this conversation I see a solemn look come across my 4 year olds face. Jocie, I say, tell me what you are thinking about? “Mommy I know how to clean up my dolls but I don’t know how to clean up my heart? I mean how do I clean up my time outs when I am bad?” I had to chuckle!

Of course at the same time how many of us have that same confusion about cleaning up our own guilt? I think the majority of us follow the simple “Sweep it under the rug” method. If you don’t see it then you don’t think about it. Unfortunately that isn’t really true is it? For too long I have tried the sweep method when it comes to the big stuff. There are certain things that I just didn’t think God could forgive me for because I couldn’t forgive myself for it. Sometimes it is just too hard to clean up the shame and guilt of sin.

Many images I have of Christ and Heaven relate to light, clouds, harps, and the perfection of it all. Now that I have a closer connection to God I try to find a more realistic view of God. We are manifested in His image and sometimes the simplest way to view Him is to see how we are as parents. So I imagine myself on Sunday evenings rushing to get everything in order for the week ahead. I clean one room only to have to go to the next. Then the next and then the next… (Trust me my house isn’t that big just that messy) The most aggravating thing to me is to reenter a room and see in a corner or hiding under a bed one of the kid’s toys. I could scream. My nose starts to twitch and my palms start to sweat. “If they would just clean up after themselves I wouldn’t have to clean up behind them every stinking time!!!!”

Can you imagine our God being the same way? Here He is with this awesome vacuum called “The Grace Machine” just cleaning up the residue we leave behind or sweep under the rug. “My child; please stop dragging this around and let’s get rid of it for once and for all!”

If you are confident in your relationship with God, (confidence meaning to live life boldly without fear of past or present), then you are disgracing your Father by not allowing Him to love you. Once you give Him your old ways to discard then He can love you anew and without judgment of the past.

No past sin or disgrace is too dirty for God’s redeeming power.

Now if I could only borrow his vacuum to clean up all of these toys.

God bless to all of my faithful friend and followers.

“May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it. “

1 Thessalonians 5:23

God's Daily Grace: Hello my name is Kristie.....and I am a sinner

2011-09-14T18:01:00.000-04:00

God's Daily Grace: Hello my name is Kristie.....and I am a sinner

Hello my name is Kristie.....and I am a sinner

2011-09-14T15:27:00.003-04:00

My how time flies. I can’t believe it has been over a year since I have written encouraging words to you or myself even. I keep looking at the time clicking by and think to myself why am I not writing. Then I sigh at how much I would have to catch you up on in my life events over the past year. Then a light bulb went off!!!!!!!!!

Just as God forgets the day before so shall I. I have had some good days and I have had some not so good days. I mean really bad days where I have disgraced myself as a Christian. However I have recently discovered this great thing called Grace. Yes I know it has been around for a long time but when I say discover; I mean understand it. That word was always so weird to me. Grace! What is it? What does it mean? Why did it take Jesus to die on the cross for me to receive it? Couldn’t God have shelled it out a long time ago to spare Jesus all the pain and suffering?

Our family has gone through a lot of changes over the past year since my last entry. We have had loss, sadness, happiness, growth, and the usual up and downs that hinder or bless a family. The amazing thing is whenever I wake up I can more easily open my eyes to the future and ignore the past. That use to be my conundrum with praying. “Man I had a really bad day so I will keep my prayers short and sweet or just not lift up my hands so I don’t have to acknowledge my sin.” What a fool!

See I am a sinner. I have always been one and I am always going to be one. I am selfish, obsessive, addictive, envious, egotistical, worrisome, along with a liar, stealer, cheat, and lazy. Whew even that list made me tired. Sadly it is all true. (Oh I forgot horrible gossiper.) I would hide behind a curtain of false prayers and false truths about myself to avoid the inevitable. I AM NOT PERFECT!!!!! I think now that I have accepted it; I can now understand why God accepts me. I have to just let it go. I think the big sin is repeating after the acknowledging. That is what our Father notices. “Okay you said you were sorry but hear you go stealing again. How faithful are you to me really?”

I use to be conflicted between the legalism of God and the Grace of God. Well the Bible tells me to go to church every Sunday so if I don’t I guess I am going to Hell. That is how I was raised and how some people still see the Word of God. I strongly feel that the death of Jesus Christ wiped away those legalistic ways of the Bible. It is now about forgiveness and yes God’s grace. His grace that washes over us like rain and cleanses us. We are once sanctified again and made holy. Even if it is day after day after day. God realized that the people of this world couldn’t connect to a God through rules from an invisible Lord. So He washed us clean with His Son’s blood and started again. This time connecting to us through The Holy Spirit.

The simplest way for me to explain this is in regards to my adoring yet sometimes disobedient children. We have a list of rules for the house. Very simple standard household rules.

I will not lie.

I will not slam my door.

I will pick up my toys.

I will be nice to my animals.

I will not say no.

I will love my whole family.

So when my dear Jocie slams her door in frustration or Nicky hits the dog in the head; it doesn’t mean I condemn them. I lower myself to their level, make them confess what they did wrong, talk about what I expect them to do, and then FORGIVE them. And once again we start our relationship anew.

I too hope to make myself anew with this blog. It actually means the world to me. But just like God forgives me then I need you to also if I fail in not keep it up.

I have missed you all deeply.

God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.

"I always thank my God for you because of his grace given you in Christ Jesus. For in him you have been enriched in every way-with all kinds of speech and with all knowledge-God thus confirming our testimony about Christ among you. Therefore you do not lack any spiritual gift as you eagerly wait for our Lord Jesus Christ to be revealed. He will also keep you firm to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is faithful, who has called you into fellowship with his, Son, Jesus Christ our Lord."
1 Corinthians 4-9

Oh how I love thee...Let me count the ways...

2010-07-01T22:31:00.004-04:00

If only they knew....

I look at these pictures and I am once again overwhelmed. My cup runneth over as they say.

I took the past few days off to spend some special one on one time with my babies and it was fabulous. It is scary how quickly they change and grow and it is more scarier how you can miss all of it in a blink of an eye if you don't pay attention.

Jocelyn's imagination is growing as fast as the speed of light and Nickolas is throwing his shy timid ways out the window. However their true characters seem to be the same as the day they were born. Even in the womb they had certain individual characteristics that have stayed faithful and true to this very day. They are the reasons that I love them so much.

When Nickolas was in my belly he would only respond to my voice. When I spoke to him he would do a million flips and cartwheels to please me only. He is loyal and faithful to no end. Once he has a friend he always has that friend. He even remembers his friends at the age of 2 at his first daycare. "Mommy remember that boy who played with me earlier when I was a baby and we always shared blocks. I miss him." Nickolas is full of goodness and sweetness. He is not one who waits for someone to turn an eye so he can be mischievous. However his competitiveness is about to rival his dad's. He doesn't like to lose EVER. He gets teary eyed when he hurts someones feelings and blurts out "Sorry" before you have chance to scold him. When his little hands grab my face and he pulls me to his direction to say, "Mommy I love you so much forever"; I immediately thank God for letting someone love me so much.

Little Miss Jocie is a completely different but amazing story. She refused to move in my belly. I didn't feel her until 22 weeks and even then I think she was telling me to chill out on all the food I was absorbing. She never cuddled and she never cooed. Jocie was direct and forceful when it came and still comes to wanting something. At the age of 3 she is a force to be reckoned with. The word patience is not in her vocabulary. Words that are; brave, loyal, strong, protective, and imaginative. Already at the age of 3 all she wants to be in this world is a mommy. She has 20 baby dolls (all which are called Baby) and she loves and protects each and everyone of them. She has an imaginary baby sister who Mommy never lets leave the house because she won't ever take a nap. Jocelyn loves to dance and be the center of attention. Every night I kiss her on the nose and she says, "Mommy pinky swear I am your best friend." Always...

I am a blessed mommy with two happy healthy babies. My goal is to teach them about God and the greatness He provides. In the years to come many things will change; Nickolas won't be so innocent and Jocie won't be so difficult. Okay strike that last one. However they will still be mine forever and always....pinky swear.

God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.

"Teach me your way, O LORD,

and I will walk in your truth;

give me an undivided heart,

that I may fear your name.

I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart;

I will glorify your name forever.

For great is your love toward me;

you have delivered me from the depths of the grave."

Psalm 86:11-13

Some Inspiration Please...

2010-06-23T21:24:00.003-04:00

I have lost my mojo! Okay I don't know if that is the correct word but that is what I told my friend today. She is one of a few who have hounded me the last few weeks about the lack of my brilliant writing. (Maybe I exaggerated the word brilliant but I know how they truly feel.) Truth be told I have sat at this same spot on the couch curled up with the same pillow glaring at this lap top too many times. I have started typing only to immediately follow it by my index finger hitting the delete button a million times. I am left at a blank...

This is the classic story of Kristie. I go full throttle with something and never finish it. NEVER!!!! I guess I figure if I can't give it my complete best then what is the point? However this should be different. This is like my personal journal for the world (my small but growing amount of viewers) to see and examine. So I shouldn't worry about using enough fancy words or the correct verse to describe my knowledge of God's word. Sometimes simplicity has more meaning than anything else. So here goes....Just a few random thoughts and feelings from the past few weeks to catch you and myself up with what is going on in my heart and soul.

Jocelyn turned 3. Instead of happiness and pride I find myself full of anxiety.

Nickolas started a small session of summer camp to get acclimated for K4 in the fall. Instead of happiness and pride I find myself full of worry and loss.

I am an emotional wreck. Every new stage of my children's life is a sign to me that they are growing up and each moment is flying by. Am I doing the best I can? Am I being the perfect mom for them?

I am in a rut at work and in my daily life. Everything is so routine and I lazily refuse to mix it up. I need to add a little spice.

Now that Phillip has a full 40hr week job, I feel like I have a roommate instead of a best friend/ husband. Our intimate times are few and far between.

Friends.....I don't even know what that word means anymore. Unless it involves my children, husband, or mother; I can't find valuable time for anybody else.

Complaints...complaints...complaints...I know...I know...I know...

Lack of God's word, lack of commitment to God, and lack of giving it ALL to God always leads to complaints. Always leads to anxiety, worry, loss, emotional wreckage, laziness, and distance from everyone else.

The ingredient missing in my life right now is none other than God!

I need to bury myself into His word and desperately plea with Him to reign me back in.

I have missed you all and promise to begin a fresh new start...

God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers....

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God,the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:28-31

Do you hear it...

2010-05-31T20:56:00.004-04:00

Do you hear it? Listen very carefully. Close your eyes and focus.

Ahhhhhh if you don't hear anything then join the crowd. I am rejoicing in the noise of peace and tranquility. No loud kids or complaining husband. Just me, myself, and I.

Actually I am celebrating more than just the silence of my loud family. I am glowing in the presence of happiness. My family is happy. The Danciu household is having a good day!

Saying the past few months was a little stressful is quite simply a lie. This roof has sheltered a lot of laughter, few fevers (praises to God), many tickles, one too many timeouts, and a lot of worry.

My worry was about my family's happiness. I think as a mother, a wife, and as a best friend, we women spent an exorbitant amount of time wanting everyone around us to be happy. My fears the past few months revolved around my Philly not being happy. I have achieved a lot of great faith in the past years so I don't waste my time on the worry of money, food, clothes, and sickness.

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Matthew 6:33-34

I do concentrate a great amount of time on the happiness of my loved ones though. One of the things I have preached to many many many people about is if you can't be happy with yourself than you won't find happiness with anyone else. I knew that Phillip was starting to become very unhappy as he felt he was failing as the provider for his family. Did we ever do without? Absolutely not; however his lack of consistent income started to take a toll on his behaviors as a leader of this house. I like to think I am the fastest person who can spot depression and I know that I was seeing something starting to stir.

With that being said Phillip still did an amazing job at laughing with me every day and communicating his doubts and fears in his current employment. The only thing he never said which I knew he felt was, "I am not happy!" Men are actually quite smart and observant. Well at least more than we give them credit for. I think he knew if he actually said those words, me being a woman would automatically feel offended and try to reason what I did to make him unhappy. So he just decided to not even go there.

Just like with my children; I knew I had to give him daily support and affection even if there were times I didn't want to be the supportive one. There were times when I didn't want to be in the driver's seat. I would have much rather preferred passenger side with windows down. I mean I wanted to come home and he have taken the bulls by the horn. "Patience" is what I heard inside my soul every time I prayed about it or vented to someone about it.

An already long story short...Phillip was blessed with a new job. Something that happened so fast that in a matter of days our life was kind of turned upside down. It happened so fast that we didn't have time to question it or for me to make my typical list of likes and dislikes. We just jumped in faith first.

Last Thursday I receive a short but sweet text from my Philly. "I am so happy right at this moment. Praise to God and thankfulness for you believing in me all the way through."

....and now the worry has faded and I have my silly singing voices in command of my thoughts once again. The great glory goes to God for once again lifting our marriage up in a semi-turbulent time. He is so good all the time.

God reward us in our own time. Not His time. I truly believe that. There is a lesson to be learned from every problem no matter how big or how small. We just have to be ready to receive the blessing. What I mean by our time and not His is that God loves us so much that He would overflow us with showers of blessings constantly if He thought we could receive them with an open heart. He wouldn't let worry and fear factor in to our daily lives. We will have to wait until our life in Heaven to experience that kind of unfailing love because right now He knows our hearts are jaded and sinful and prideful and full of selfishness. We tend to feed on the hurt rather than grow through the light.

I pray that you don't let worry boggle you down into a deep pit of depression. Trust me it gets you absolutely nowhere. I daily pray for all of you and lift you up to God as your intercessory. Just like I believe my Philly would pull through; I also believe that you will find happiness also. That happiness only comes in the belief and knowledge of Jesus Christ; the Son of God who died on the cross for our sins and through faith in Him anything is possible. Praise be to God!!!!

"Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?"

Luke 12:24-26

God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers...

"How do I get to Heaven?"

2010-05-17T22:14:00.003-04:00

I knew the day would come. Actually I have prayed this day would come but man it hit me like a ton of bricks and I started sweating. Of course you would know that it would have happened when I was by myself and Philly was no where to be found (or rather in the other car listening to the sound of his own thoughts).

"Mommy how do I get to Heaven?"

That was the sweetest question ever coming from the mouth of my 4 year old. I froze of course because if there is one thing I don't want to get wrong it is my son's salvation.

"Well Nicky let's see..."

That is such an innocent simple question coming from a young child, but what about when I ask God about myself? How things become so complicated.

I often wonder about my earlier years ****three years ago**** and why I tried so hard to ignore God even though I knew what the key to Heaven was. I contemplate why so many people ignore the inevitable.

I didn't want to admit I was a sinner and that it is okay. I refused to look in the mirror and see the flaws and failures of my choices. My lies, my temptations, my theft, my murderous ways, my adulterous thoughts, and my oh so many idolatrous ways....

I didn't want to let those go no matter how many times I pleaded to my Father, "Forgive me. Never again."

Then one day...like the sunrise...like the new ocean tide...like the first Spring rain...

All my transgressions are illuminated and all my sins are washed away.

I live for some ONE and my old self dies.

The sins still come and go but they never are allowed permanent residence. It is a daily fight with a winning Spirit overtaking the evil.

"Well Nicky let's see....Think about everything you did today. Did you want to do good stuff like being a big helper and sharing your toys or did you want to be bad all day? When you spend your whole day trying to be good and you start feeling bad when you make big mistakes like fighting; then you are trying to please God. When you are ready for Jesus to come live in your heart so He sees everything you do, you just ask Him to enter. And He lives there day and night to hug you when you are sad, to high-five you when you do something really good, and to catch your tears when you are scared. You start realizing that life is so much easier and funner when Jesus is around. Instead of not listening and disobeying you want to do good things to make Jesus proud like mommy and daddy are proud of you. He becomes your best friend and in that very instant Jesus tells our Father God to let you spend forever and ever in Heaven with Him. God then makes you a room of your very own with your name on the door and Jesus will be there with you always."

Okay so that is what I came up with. Probably not the best biblical way but it was a start. I think about my words and realize that is exactly what I want everyday. It can be that simple and innocent. I just want a best friend who CAN'T and WON'T fail me. I want to be good and stop being bad. I want my own room in eternity.

"And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. "And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea."

Matthew 18:3-6

God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers...

Your personal mission statement...

2010-05-04T22:43:00.004-04:00

I love when I have an idea of what I want to talk about and then I get knocked out over with it from somewhere completely unexpected.

Today I was traveling out of town for a training class pertaining to my specific role in my job. The trainer said before we get started let's talk about our company's mission statement and then we will be able to see if we are doing our job to it's best ability. I giggled...

My ongoing thought for this week was my personal mission statement. I had just experienced the most amazing church service in quite a long time. All have been good lately but I mean this was AMAZING!!!! I left the service feeling more intimate with my husband than I ever have and that is a huge accomplishment. Our pastor's topic was how to become desirable to your spouse. He brought in great scripture with true true true meaning and understanding.

We want to be desirable to our spouses. I mean I want to walk into the room and see immediately in my Philly's eyes that I am his one and only. This sermon showed me and him how to do that.

The key???

"Be a devoted, loving, continuous, and passionate prayer-warrior for your family."

One of our members talked about the different levels of marriage and when she and her husband began to connect on a Godly level...well as she put it, "He was never sexier as he was when he read his Bible."

I loved it. It is so true...When I get into Phillip's car and the Christian radio channel is on instead of sports radio I just automatically gleam. Or when I look at the computer and he has already been looking at his daily devotionals I get tingly inside. I love when at any random moment at work, my email pops up new message and there is a bible verse from my Philly.

Having a strong spiritual relationship helps having an invincible relationship. However your mission statement shouldn't be established just to benefit you and your spouse or you and material possessions in this world. Your mission statement should be created to help create a more meaningful life in the name of Jesus Christ.

So me being the freaky "list girl"; I am coming up with 5 key values to define my mission statement. The reason it is taking so long is I want Bible verses to back up my mission. So me lacking in memory skills when it comes to God's word means I am having to do a lot of searching and highlighting. I can't wait to share it with you guys when it is all done. However I want to go ahead and share one of the main passages from the Bible that is going to help me become that beautiful child of God I crave to be.

"A wife of noble character who can find?

She is worth far more than rubies.

Her husband has full confidence in her

and lacks nothing of value.

She brings him good, not harm,

all the days of her life.

She selects wool and flax

and works with eager hands.

She is like the merchant ships,

bringing her food from afar.

She gets up while it is still dark;

she provides food for her family

and portions for her servant girls.

She considers a field and buys it;

out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She sets about her work vigorously;

her arms are strong for her tasks.

She sees that her trading is profitable,

and her lamp does not go out at night.

In her hand she holds the distaff

and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

She opens her arms to the poor

and extends her hands to the needy.

When it snows, she has no fear for her household;

for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

She makes coverings for her bed;

she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

Her husband is respected at the city gate,

where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

She makes linen garments and sells them,

and supplies the merchants with sashes.

She is clothed with strength and dignity;

she can laugh at the days to come.

She speaks with wisdom,

and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

She watches over the affairs of her household

and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Her children arise and call her blessed;

her husband also, and he praises her:

"Many women do noble things,

but you surpass them all."

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Give her the reward she has earned,

and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."

Proverbs 31:10-31

God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers...

A helper...

2010-04-28T22:40:00.004-04:00

My daily devotion that popped up on my work email today stung me to the core. It was the greatness of God gracing us with companions in this world so we should never be alone. Whether it be a spouse, child, or best friend; God granted us the ability to form bonds with other souls so we can encourage each other as we live our life for God.

We know sometimes the bonds don't work out so well. Look at Cain and Able. Their jealousy and bitter hearts got in the way of true loving emotions. However look at Adam and Eve.

"So God created man in his own image,

in the image of God he created him;

male and female he created them."

Genesis 1:27

Both were flawed. Eve being a woman who refused to listen and Adam being a man who refused to admit responsibility. I always wonder though what happened to their relationship after they were cast out of Eden. Did Adam ever forgive Eve for her trespasses or did he remind her every single day? "Well if it weren't for you we would be in a garden right now but no you had to go and listen to that serpent! Just couldn't say no could you?"

Did Eve ever apologize for her betrayal, or as most women do, did she constantly gripe at Adam about their current conditions. Or....

Did their love for each other and God conquer all? Did they forgive each other and move on with a fierce determination to honor and praise their God daily?

Sometimes on my way to work I already expect disappointment from my husband. Pathetic I know; however I know a chore won't be done and I will have an opportunity to air my grievances. I am more than positive the same could be said for him. I have no doubt that he knows when he gets home that I will be perched on my sofa watching my horrible reality shows while mounds of clothes are wrinkling on the bed.

Tonight instead of complaining I want to honor. I wouldn't be the woman, mother, friend, or Christian if it weren't for my husband. We fail each other in the household chores and day to day routines but never as partners for our faith. We encourage and build up in each other things we tend to let falter. I have a partner who has forgiven my sins and accepts me as I am every single day. Someone who loves me more with each rising sun and has given me the promise to love me more with the next. No matter what broken and narrow path we are on at this very moment; our love is as strong as it was when we felt like we were on a street of gold. It will be even stronger when we are side by side praising our Father at His return. I am blessed beyond measures to have a helper that will encourage me and help grant me access to Heaven. I guess I can deal with a dirty kitchen.

This song is not a Christian song but it reminds me so much of my feelings for Phillip that I wanted to share it with you all.

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

Colossians 3:12-14

God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers...

P.S. Don't worry I will still complain about the dirty kitchen tomorrow!

In a matter of seconds...

2010-04-26T21:33:00.002-04:00

I was woken up to my peaceful Sunday nap by Nickolas weeping over a little hurt baby bird that his daddy found. I joined the family outside to see what all the fuss was about. My eyes come upon the little baby bird sitting on the middle railing of our neighbor's fence. Phillip said he had been watching him since yesterday. "He must have a broken wing" my knowledge of nature hubby said. I join Jocelyn on her perch in her playhouse where we have a perfect view of the bird on the other side of our fence. "Oh mommy it is so scared to fly!" We then see a mother bird with a huge worm in her mouth starting to feed the baby. It was so tender and of course Jocie and Nickolas was amazed. "Mommy let's pray for the baby bird to fly so it doesn't get hurt". Jocie and I then ask Nickolas and his daddy to join us while we hold hands and pray our little prayer for anyone or anything in need.

"I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him.Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."

Mark 11:23-24

We then gaze over at the baby and in a flash of an eye those little wings spread out and the bird suddenly hops up to the top rail. Then the little sucker hops/flies a little higher to the roof of the house. Then as if God picked up the bird in His own hands the baby takes flight and is gone in an instant. It was actually very amazing and rewarding to visually see an answered prayer so quickly. "Mommy Jesus did it. He did it!"

I am always so thankful when God makes my job a little bit easier when it comes to explaining the power and majesty of God. The kids need those quick easy symbols of God's grace so they can become more trusting and believing of Him. I am amazed at how our Father knows how and when the best moment is to come and present His glory to each of us. For children I believe it comes quick and constant. Their wishes and hopes are so easy to provide for.

For us adults it is a little different. Think what we would do or how we would feel if every prayer was answered so promptly? Sure at first we would be gracious but then we would completely take advantage of our Father (as if we don't do that enough already) and never take them for the gifts that they are. Instead with us more "older" people our prayers comes answered in a more structured format with a much wider time frame. Sometimes they don't even come answered at all.

No matter the length or the numbers of answered prayers they should effect us just like they do a young child. We should be amazed and in awe at our Father's abundant grace and love for us. His provisions are showered upon us in a beautiful melodic way and we should never refrain from praise and thanksgiving.

I am grateful for that wings of that precious baby bird but I am more grateful for the growing faith in my children's hearts. It is growing wide and strong and I pray with every inch of my fiber that it never diminishes.

"Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands."

Deuteronomy 7:9

God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers...

Insecurities...

2010-04-25T21:49:00.003-04:00

I just had an amazing wonderful weekend and I am left emotionally drained. All in a good way though...Spent the weekend worshiping God and singing His praises.

The topic for Saturday was about insecurities. The sometimes ****scratch that**** almost always arrogant prideful me felt like this message would be better suited for my friends around me. They are always very vocal about how insecure they are about numerous things. Me on the other hand tends to think I am a pretty secure woman. Secure in my marriage, secure in a room filled with skinny women, and secure in accepting my past along with other misc feelings. Well after yesterday I realized my insecurities could build the world's largest building.

The previous things mentioned still hold true. I am pretty secure in the average feelings department. However I realized (and I don't think this was Beth Moore's intention) that my security in God's love wavers a little bit. Let me rephrase that. I sometimes doubt how great my value is or will be for the purpose of God.

I don't doubt my salvation or that God loves me. I accept His death on the cross for my seat in Heaven. I don't just accept it, I fall humbly on the floor and praise Him for it.

But why me? How can all of my sins that add up to infinity be diminished with a drop of blood? The bad thing is that I haven't stopped sinning and I won't. It is impossible. I can't be perfect. What can I bring to the table that adds anything of value?

Some days I think I am invincible under God's grace and other days I wonder why how my name can be spoken on Jesus' breath.

By the end of the conference I have learned practices and ways to avoid the stages of insecurity. The most important way is to read God's Word daily. To read it, live it, believe it, and most importantly to trust it.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going."

John 14:1-4

...and through His word I do not doubt my worth to the kingdom of God.

God bless to all of my faithful followers and friends...

It is working..

2010-04-14T21:46:00.004-04:00

I try. I try really hard. I try harder with this than anything else I have ever done.

I try to teach my children the Word of God. The essence of God. The reason for believing in God.

Why is it hard?

Well they are 4 and 2. At this moment they are so absorbed with every small thing that sometimes the big things are just too much. I try to center everything around God.

Easter we did a scavenger hunt and looked for 5 individual items that represented the story of Jesus. Each item was in a sandwich bag and they would look for one item at a time then come back so we could discuss it. They found a large oval rock (the tomb), some nails, a sponge, a small wooden cross, and a piece of white cloth with red food dye on it. Now they know the story of Jesus.

Nickolas is now into playing golf every day as soon as we get home. His goal is to play in a tournament with his daddy. A couple of days ago he got extremely frustrated because he couldn't hit the ball and he tossed the club as far as he could. We sat down and talked about it while those big baby blues were tearing up. (His baby blues not mine this time.) We talked about our behavior in Heaven and when God is beside us we won't have time for frustration or being upset. Everything we do here is us practicing for how we act in Heaven. Just like how he his practicing for his "tournament" he should also practice for pleasing God in Heaven. Worked like a charm...That night Jocie threw a tantrum and he told her we can't do that in Heaven so don't do it here.

Last night we were reading the Bible and we were reading about Jesus giving His disciples the presence of the Holy Spirit. "Holy Spirit! What is that?" asks Jocie. That was a hard one to explain. I could only describe it like the wind and it enters us with every breathe we take. It lives in us and when we get scared or happy it hugs us to remind us of Jesus' love for us. Today we were playing on their play set and as we perched ourselves high in their tower, Jocie looked out through her telescope. "Mommy I see the Spirit coming! Do you feel it! Here comes Jesus to hug us!" says my baby girl.

Am I a perfect mom? Absolutely not. I fail as a mom every day because I am a sinner. However the more I work at making God a priority the more solid their knowledge of their Maker becomes.

Not only should we do that with our children but to everyone we encounter. I want to exude the radiance of God. I want my kids and complete strangers to see me and know I am a daughter of Christ. I want to be an open book of knowledge and experience when it comes to the unfailing love of God.

My devotion to this seems to be working. It is working...They are starting to trust in the unknown. While their happiness revolves right now around golf, swinging, chalk, and finding worms in our back yard; I want their salvation to revolve around believing in Jesus Christ.

God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers...

"Listen, O heavens, and I will speak;

hear, O earth, the words of my mouth.

Let my teaching fall like rain

and my words descend like dew,

like showers on new grass,

like abundant rain on tender plants.

I will proclaim the name of the LORD.

Oh, praise the greatness of our God!"

Deuteronomy 32:1-3

Some wounds are too deep...

2010-04-13T22:08:00.002-04:00

Once again I was left bawling in my car while hands were held up high trying to feel the physical presence from my father..

My father...

Isn't that really what it is all about? Listening to my daily devotion a young girl in her twenties was talking about her dad. Actually a lot of girls were discussing all of their uniquely different relationships with their fathers. Some were amazing and heartfelt memories and others were empty and vacant.

Vacant. Empty. Mean...Description of my fathers...

One story ripped my heart out and tore my soul along with it.

When she was 6, a girl remembered a car trip with her family. Mom and dad in front while her and brother in back. She placed her pink colored toes on the console separating her parents. At a stop sign her dad turned around, looked at her, placed his rough calloused hand on her foot, and said,

"that is the most beautiful foot I have ever seen."

She danced around the whole rest of the day and never wanted to change that pink polish. Her dad was a distant dad so that one moment of tenderness meant everything to her. Meant the world when she was six and still did at twenty-three.

I don't have one of those moments. Not from my real father or step-father. The vacancy lingers inside of me. I think all of those crazy mysterious deep hidden insecurities linger still because I didn't have a tender moment. Sometimes Philly takes the wrath of it because if they failed me then so can he. Right?

So there I am eyes drenched and hands raised.

"Why my God?"

Why didn't I get that? Why didn't I get someone to tuck me in every night and to tickle me every morning? Why didn't I get words of encouragement and strong words of punishment when it was rightfully needed? Where is my sweet words about my beautiful feet???

Then....

and then...

Here He is.

"My child..my dear child. I AM YOUR FATHER. I tucked you in every night and tickled you every morning so you would wake those dreary eyes. I encouraged you every moment that it would get better and that you deserved better. I punished you so many times for trying to be larger than life and trying to be independent of my love. You always needed me and I was ALWAYS there.

p.s. I love your eyes when they shine with happiness, when they tear to fill up like the deep blue ocean and I adore your beautiful feet."

Some wounds are too deep....

too deep to shovel out all by your little self. My Father can remove anything though.

All insecurities...all emptiness...all vacancies...

and my Father can fill up those holes and allows His grace and love for me to blossom instead.

What an amazing Father that I have had all alone.

" He will call out to me, 'You are my Father,

my God, the Rock my Savior.'"

Psalm 89:26

"I give you sound learning, so do not forsake my teaching. When I was a boy in my father's house,still tender, and an only child of my mother, he taught me and said, "Lay hold of my words with all your heart; keep my commands and you will live."

Proverbs 4:2-4

God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers....

Delayed....Internet is down because of virus. Sorry I can't post. Don't lose faith in me. God bless to my faithful followers and friends.

2010-04-08T22:09:00.000-04:00

Hold my hand...

2010-03-28T22:56:00.003-04:00

I am a typical woman who likes to buy material things and of course my addictive personality always screams out to me "Shop shop shop!"

The past few months have been a little difficult for me because my shopping sprees have been curtailed by the lack of money that we have. Some days I wish I could pout like Jocie so Philly would have sympathy for me and throw me a hundred dollar bill. Kidding!!! Maybe...

There is something though that is better than those "materials" that us girls like to have. For me it is intimacy. I love intimacy. Not the PDA type in front of a crowd but just the casual touch or simple look from Phillip that lets me know that I am his one and only. It means the world to me and is something that is very special to my soul.

I have tried very hard over the past few months to let Phillip know that He is more important than those other things that you can buy. The best gift he can give me is the acknowledgment that he loves me, he depends on me, he needs me, and that he is satisfied with me. Amazingly enough I hear and feel all of those when he holds my hand.

One of our little hand holding traditions always happens in church. I can't think of when it started but I hope it never ends. Whenever we pray in church we ALWAYS hold hands. ALWAYS...Even if the biggest fight happened the night before our hands connecting is our version of an apology. Even if we have giggled the whole morning before church we don't hesitate to grab tight to each other hands.

When I imagine my moments in Heaven with Jesus it is always sharing an intimate moment. He is brushing my hair away from my face, my head is laying on His shoulder as He sings to my soul, or we are walking along the shores of a beach as He wraps His arm around my back to support me. I can't wait to hold hands with my God.

I try to be intimate with God as much as possible here on Earth. Whether it be having my personal prayer time with Jesus in the morning before anybody else wakes up or at night when I lay my head on my pillow and envisioning my Father embracing me. My most intimate moment with my Maker is now in church during prayer time. Not only am I holding Phillip's hand but I am holding my Savior's hand also.

It doesn't matter if someone is standing beside me or if the whole row is vacant; I have made room for God. I squeeze my hand as tight as possible just waiting for a squeeze back. I know the same people who stand behind me every Sunday must think I am crazy. Here I am with one hand wrapped around Phillip's and then there is my other one extended holding on to air. So it would seem...

I am not holding on to air, I am holding on to eternity. I am holding on to my salvation. I am holding on to the greatest love I know.
Oh my God please hold my hand!

"Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory."

Psalm 73:23-24

" If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"

Psalm 139:9-11

God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers...

Anything for you...

2010-03-25T22:04:00.003-04:00

Oh my dear sweet Jocie...Her 3rd birthday is drawing near and of course as most young children do we have the birthday party conversation daily.
Where is your party going to be at?
What kind of cake do you want?
What do you want for your birthday?
Usually these answers are completely random and scattered so far apart that is doesn't make sense.
I want a beach party at the beach with a girl pink cake and I want crayons for a present!
Okay????
So I was surprised when last week I received a new answer for all three and it all coordinated.
Mommy I want a my party to be at a horse patchure (pasture) with a pink horsie cake and I want horsie lessons for my present.
Okay!!!!
As a mom you instantly think okay so how am I gonna make this happen. Then reality hits in. My daughter is 3 and there is no way she is getting horsie lessons. Cute idea though.
It was in the next instant I remembered my own childhood. When I was 6 to the age of 8 all I wanted in the entire world was to ride a horse...well maybe a pony. I remember my step-father promising we would go. I waited every almost every summer Saturday for two years and never even came close to a horse. So many excuses and not enough time to list them. I was broken hearted but wow how long I held onto that dream.
Now more than ever I want her to have her lessons but still...ONLY 3!!!
So many times I lift up these crazy "wants" to my God. Oh please God just let me have this. Sometimes they are so random and other times they make perfect sense. To me they make perfect sense.
I can almost see it now. My Father hearing our pleas and for one second wanting to give into us. That is what parents do! They want to give their children everything they desire.
"Sure my child you want this man to love you. It will be done!"
"Yes my beautiful unique design if you want lots of money than I shall bestow it upon you!"
"Of course you can have this job that you know will make you happier than anything else can!"
Thankfully He doesn't give in that instant. Thankfully our path has already been laid out with the most careful consideration and the deepest concern to our well being.
"Oh dear child LOVE me. Let me fill your heart!"
"My love let me fill every desire so full they shall be that no earthly riches could ever measure up!"
"I am the Way, the Truth, and the Light! NOTHING else can replace me!"
You see there was a reason for me never getting to have my own lessons. I am not sure of the reason but I don't doubt it is a valid one. It could be so I learn to never disappoint my child with false promises or my clumsy self could have fallen right off and broken every bone in my body. There was a reason!
I have a prayer right now that I have been praying for everyday for the past two weeks. Nothing....Not even a glimpse! Why??? Is it frustrating? Of course! Should I give up? Depends. What does the answered prayer give me? Does it bring me closer to God or will it fill my heart up with more faith in my Father? Well if my faith was overflowing I wouldn't pray for one particular thing so hard, right? "Your will be done."
So I am starting to understand that constantly praying for this is just building up anxiety and making me doubt less in the True One.
It will happen and I don't mean my answered prayer; I mean God's WILL!!!
The casual conversation with Him takes precedence over the short "Please God let this happen! Amen!" It WILL all come together.
Lesson learned over the years? HE DOES NOT FAIL!!!! No matter the joy or the heartbreak HE is the same Almighty Powerful Loving Father! He does not fail me!!! I am always better off.
Yes He would do anything for me and for you. Luckily though His anything is the same as His everything and that is His life for ours.
How can a failed relationship, a lack of money, or an unanswered prayer pail in comparison? They just simply don't. Not when you make your number one priority to being intimate with the Lord Almighty.
Yes I would love to be able to grant Nickolas and Jocelyn every single wish. I love more the idea of them knowing that in the end their mother was always there beside them during the good and the bad. I want to say to them "Anything for you my dear child" yet I am going to choose to say "Everything for you my dear child....is in the arms of your everlasting Father!"

"Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:5-7

God bless to my faithful friends and followers...

The darkness creeping in...

2010-03-24T21:24:00.002-04:00

One of my favorite scenic moments was when I was in Canada a few years back. It was midnight and I was alone on a back porch of a hundred year old farm house. I remember looking out into the pitch black trying to get my eyes to focus on something but it was impossible...

UNTIL...

a crack...a flash...an electric shock...a bolt of lighting...

Then everything was illuminated. I was looking out an enormous wheat field. The wind would blow and it was as if God Himself waved His hand across the field. It was peaceful, serene, and kind of felt like it was all mine...

THEN DARK ALL OVER AGAIN.

I didn't like it. It made me nervous.

This morning I woke up with the bright sun glistening through my window and yet my soul felt exactly like I did that night many nights ago.

Scared, anxious, fearful, worried, doubting, insecure, and unsure.

I hate feeling this way especially now when I spend so much time soaking up the Word as much as I can.

"Yet when I hoped for good, evil came; when I looked for light, then came darkness.
The churning inside me never stops; days of suffering confront me."

Job 30:25-27

How can I be so full of faith in my God one day and the next crumble like bricks? My security breaks and the anxiety sets in. I am filled with so much worry right now that I feel like my heart could explode. Worried about next week, this week, tomorrow, today, the next minute, this second...

"Those on the rock are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away. The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life's worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature."

Luke 8:13-14

It is such hypocrisy when everyday I encourage you and the people around me to never give up in believing...

believing, trusting, needing, desiring, begging, depending, clinging

to our Father in Heaven.

I do not want to be thorns on which God showers His Word upon. I want to be good soil that soaks up His Word and forms good crops. I want to persevere and be FAITHFUL...

steadfast, loyal, open, and receiving to my Redeemer's promise.

"I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."

Matthew 21:21-22

I want the light of my Messiah's love to illuminate the darkness lingering inside of me just like the power of the lightning did over the wheat field. I am tired of staring into a pit of darkness and despair. Oh dear God please free me from my sorrows and woes. A wasted day of worry and dread is a wasted day of not glorifying my God. Please forgive me oh my Lord.

"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin.

Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.

If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you,

O you of little faith!"

Luke 12:27-28

God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers...

P.S. Please say a prayer for me!

How do you travel...

2010-03-19T22:06:00.005-04:00

People amuse me. Especially the kind of person who finds the most random and innocent things aggravating. Then they become so aggravated that they can't stop themselves from sharing their agony and frustration with everyone around them (even in small quarters).

Yesterday I went to the hospital to visit a friend who just delivered one of God's most amazing blessings into this world. For 30 minutes I was in sheer Heaven looking down at this small fragile innocent creature who has no idea the happiness she has and will bring to this world. The smell, the wiggling, the smiling (gas), and the cooing just make you realize how amazing our God is. You can't help but smile.

So I was a little taken a back and a little intrigued by what happened next. I was on the 6th floor and as soon as I stepped on the elevator a gentleman stuck his hand between the closing doors to join me. Immediately we halted on the 5th floor to allow another guest in. I found it quite interesting that when the bell dinged on the 4th floor he let out a large rigorous sigh. "Hmm must be in a hurry."

Then we stopped on the 3rd floor to allow more guests to tag along for the ride. The sigh turns into a heave shaking of the head and a "COME ON!"

I couldn't help but giggle. His head whipped right over to my direction. I just looked down. I secretly couldn't wait to see what would happen if we stopped on the 2nd floor.

Then we did. He put his head down, started swinging side to side, and then stared at his watch for what seemed like 5 minutes while an entire floor of people invaded the elevator. Seriously I have never been in a more jam packed elevator in my entire life. As I kept gliding to the back to allow more people to come on my fellow rider refused to budge as he held on to the close door button.

Finally our destination was before us as we hit the ground floor. Now you would think that this impatient man could at least be a gentleman and let the elderly man or obviously 10 month pregnant woman go before us...not a chance. Door opened and he bolted out the hospital.

Now I will never know where the man was going and what was so important that he had to make everyone else have the elevator ride from...you know where. He walked out with a fierce gleam in his eye and I walked out still chuckling.

As I was riding to my next destination I couldn't help but thinking about how mad this guy was. What did he just witness or come from that made him in such a terrible mood? Or what was so important to him that he had to scramble and race to while ignoring other people around him?

How do you travel through life? Do you find it as an inconvenience every time a new door opens? I like to think that I have God in my side pocket (aka my heart) everywhere I go. I remember when I decided to ask God to go with me everywhere. Ever since then I have tried to just enjoy the ride. I see each new spot with a clearer and more open mindset. I also want everyone to look at me and think "Hey where has she been that has made her so happy? Wonder if she can take me with her?" I want people to allow me to share the Word of God as they wonder where I am headed next.

It seems that when you let God slip away the more impatient you become about the small things and even more about the big things. Your negativity just absorbs all the air and space around you. Everyone else becomes a witness to your aggravated and gloomy state of mind. You try to take control of the journey of life and just keep pushing at all the buttons so that you don't get to enjoy every stop...or worse...you get stuck and you don't allow the One to rescue you.

I hope you aren't rushing through this life. It is meant to be enjoyed and to learn from. It is our time here that we use to learn the Word of God and practice what our Teacher has taught us about living His basic principles. Treasure every passing moment and make sure to take your Father with you.

" So I commend the enjoyment of life, because nothing is better for a man under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany him in his work all the days of the life God has given him under the sun."

Ecclesiastes 8:15

" He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live."

Ecclesiastes 3:11-12

God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers...

Why I believe...

2010-03-17T21:13:00.004-04:00

Some people have an extraordinary amount of faith. It is as if they have been to Heaven and literally saw the face of God.

I use to be a fickle believer. I only acknowledged my God when I was in the deepest of despair.

I didn't understand the passion that other people had that consumed them like a wild fire. Then one day I understood. I finally felt as if I had seen the face of God for myself. The day was Sept 29th, 2005. And if for a second that faith faded on June 6th, 2007 it blossomed again full bloom. It has never diminished after that. I know that I talk a lot about the struggles of motherhood and the intensity of my emotions but let me tell you that it is the most rewarding, awe-inspiring feeling in the world. This is why I believe.....

and this is why....

and this is why...and here is another reason...and just to add to my faith...If God entrusted me to raise these beautiful, innocent, awesome children; the least I can do is believe...I believe He loves me, I believe He saved me, I believe He lifted me, I believe He lives still, and I believe He resides in me.

If I entrust God to raise these beautiful, innocent, awesome children; the least I can do is believe...I believe I am a child of His, I believe I have a mission to share His word, I believe I am one of His true loves, and I believe I will always humbly allow Him to reside in me.

"Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ is born of God, and everyone who loves the father loves his child as well."

1 John 5:1

"These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1:7-9

God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers...

A day off...

2010-03-16T21:51:00.004-04:00

AN AMAZING DAY!!!! This verse carried me all day!

"But what can I say? He has spoken to me, and he himself has done this. I will walk humbly all my years because of this anguish of my soul. Lord, by such things men live; and my spirit finds life in them too. You restored me to health and let me live. Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back. For the grave cannot praise you, death cannot sing your praise; those who go down to the pit cannot hope for your faithfulness. The living, the living—they praise you, as I am doing today; fathers tell their children about your faithfulness. The LORD will save me, and we will sing with stringed instruments all the days of our lives in the temple of the LORD."

Isaiah 38:15-20

Okay so why was today so great you are wondering? I did something I never thought in a million years I would do or would understand why to do it. I fasted all day from food. For those who know my love and obsession with food you are like "WHAT????" So as long as this last hour I don't open the fridge to attack everything I see it was a successful day. I am typing right now with such a ferocity and a growling stomach but all is good my friends. ALL is so good.

Let me begin apologizing for the thoughts that came to my head when I use to hear people talk about fasting. I never understood and couldn't see how a rational person could hear God. I mean they had to just be hearing their hunger. Usually when people fast too it is for the reason of losing weight or cleansing your body of toxins. No matter what the reason I didn't understand it. Although I could see how many people would assume I would do something like this just to shed a pound or too. I know that is what Phillip thought when I just told him what I had done today.

Yes I waited all day before I told him or anyone really. Except for one of my crazy girlies that I vent too I wanted to keep this goal just to myself. If fasting was to glorify God then the only person who really needed to know was....well God.

"But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that it will not be obvious to men that your are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."

Matthew 6:17-18

Okay so where did this idea originate from? Once again I was listening to Focus on the Family yesterday and the guest speaker was talking about her struggle with weight loss. (We all know I have a struggle with weight loss.) However I decided that since I felt God talking to me last week about my raging temper that maybe He was talking to me again. So I listened...

Quite honestly the weight thing went in one ear out the other but then she talked about idols. HELLO!!! That we all have idols that we daily place in front of God. So I started thinking...and thinking...and listing....what things do I place above God daily that turns them into idols?

Here goes; food, chocolate, Facebook, buying clothes for a 3 year old girl, Twilight series, Young and the Restless, vampire shows on TV, vampire books (I know weird obsession for a 33 year old), and more food. These are all things that I focus more attention on and obsess over without thinking of God. One crazy thing I realized is that my two favorite things in this Earthly world being Phillip and my kids aren't idols. My relationships with them go hand in hand with God and I daily lift them in praise and prayers. So after looking at my pathetic list of idols of course FOOD screamed out at me. So I took a leap of faith...

Today was easy and hard at the same time. I took every second I could steal from work to focus on God's word. I didn't have a single desire at lunch and was flying high into the afternoon. Getting home was like a kick in the stomach but I stayed strong even while feeding my kiddies their yummy dinner. Not a bite and not even a lick. I realized for me to survive the evening I had to dig deeper in God's word or be with Him anywhere I could find Him. Hint. Hint..Play with my kids and surround myself with their laughter. No TV even came on tonight. I started reading the "grown up" Bible out loud to the kids while they played. Every once in a while one of them would look up to question a word. "Mommy what is glowing embers?" Psalm 102 After putting them to bed I dived deeper into passages and handled with ease what I thought would be the hardest part of the day (me being alone with no one to watch me eat). I talked to Phillip on the phone and for the first time admitted what I was doing. Expecting laughter I was shocked to hear amazing words of encouragement and acknowledgement of seeing me try real hard the past few weeks and doing things better; at trying to be better. It was a nice comforting feeling.

Now here I am getting to ready to put a period to the end of this day. What are the accomplishments? Well God was with me and while I had to focus on Him to get me through my struggles He allowed me to focus on a lot of other things that were more of a priority. For instance I thought a lot more about my volume issue with the kids and what I needed to do to get my points and threats across. (Had an amazing night with my babies and we had a truly drama free blessed evening.) I was more open to prayers and needs of others around me and if I know you trust me I prayed for you my dear friend. The big discovery was I thought I needed my chocolate before this and now I know I only need my God. He is the only thing that can get me through a successful day. Amen...

This isn't a life change and by no means am I giving up food but today is going to be etched in my soul for a long time. I am going to attempt to commit to doing this once a month. Just a check and balances to make sure there is nothing else that is rising above my Lord. I didn't think I would have the strength but with God no mountain is too high and no valley is too low.

"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory."

Colossians 3:1-4

God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.

Faded jeans...

2010-03-15T21:44:00.004-04:00

I love my jeans. I am not a skinny little thing but my pair of jeans work for me. They make me feel fantastic. So fantastic in fact that I have 3 pair of the same jeans; tall, boot cut, dark washed jeans. Ah put them with a pair of heels and a great purse and I am set.
Now there is a rule in my house when it comes to these jeans. DON"T PUT THEM IN THE DRYER! This is a commandment in the house. Phillip being the wonderful husband that he is does all of the clothes but he knows that rule. You see the more you put the jeans in the dryer the more they fade. They lose that rich dark color and to me just become plain 'ol blue jeans. There is nothing special about them anymore.

There is a song by Casting Crowns titled "It's a slow fade" and the lyrics really have a lot of depth to them. Here is my favorite verse:

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away

It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray

Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid

When you give yourself away

People never crumble in a day

Daddies never crumble in a day

Families never crumble in a day

I remember when some close friends of ours told us they were separated and getting a divorce. I remember looking at Phillip later saying, "Wow that came out of nowhere. What happened?" Later when I would talk to one of them individually he or she would admit that it was a marriage crumbling for a long time. The love just faded. Was it the love that ended or did they let Christ fall?

I think about the stories of individuals who go into their work office and destroy lives. Friends and families always talk about how random it was and they never saw it coming. Later you discover they were always loners and wrote the devilish truth on their Facebook page. Was it random or did they slowly evade the calling of God?

In this world at this time things are black and white. There is God and there is darkness; no ifs, ands. or buts. There is the light of God and the darkness of our temptations and desires. It only takes one person to turn away from their faith to destroy a family. It only takes one person to feed their selfish hunger to destroy a marriage that once was sheltered under God's protection. It only takes one person to attend to their own ungodly needs to break down the trust of a little child.

While bricks crumble in a day our love, faith, and trust in others takes time to decay. Sure their might be one major moment when it all falls apart but up to that moment someone has slowly given up in the love of God.

Are you the victim of a slow fading relationship or guilty of tearing down a life? How do you rebuild a fading relationship?

Our Father desperately wants to pick up the pieces. Most people don't want to work at rectifying their mistakes because they feel they will never be forgiven. My friend God has already washed away your sins. He did that the day His Son wept in tears and blood on the cross. Everyone deserves a new start and the opportunity to fix what was torn. God is waiting for you to start over and this time make your foundation truly on the faith of God. There is no stronger frame to build with.

God should come first in everything we do. If we dedicate our life to praising and honoring Him daily then He shall give us strength and patience while we protect all that we treasure. He won't let us fail others if we don't fail Him!

Don't let the rich color that shines in your life become faded because you neglect those around you. Instead focus on the light above so He can illuminate the beauty here below.

But you, O Sovereign LORD, deal well with me for your name's sake; out of the goodness of your love, deliver me.
For I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me.
I fade away like an evening shadow; I am shaken off like a locust.
My knees give way from fasting; my body is thin and gaunt.
I am an object of scorn to my accusers; when they see me, they shake their heads.
Help me, O LORD my God; save me in accordance with your love.
Let them know that it is your hand, that you, O LORD, have done it.
They may curse, but you will bless; when they attack they will be put to shame, but your servant will rejoice.
My accusers will be clothed with disgrace and wrapped in shame as in a cloak.
With my mouth I will greatly extol the LORD; in the great throng I will praise him.
For he stands at the right hand of the needy one, to save his life from those who condemn him.

Psalm 109:21-31

God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers...

Advice just in the knick of time...

2010-03-12T22:22:00.004-05:00

I love that just when you have almost given up God comes rushing in ready to save you at a moment's notice. Today was one of those days.

I have been in a funk this week. Every mother and/or parent has them. Those kind of funks that says, "Wow I am a really bad parent and a major disappointment." These melancholy moments are pretty rare for me but when they hit it feels like an asthma attack. I just can't breathe and I need an inhaler quick.

As I have already shared with you, this week has been a tough week in our household. Major attitudes are trying to dominate this family and there has been a lot of battles of the minds and mouths. Unfortunately for my kids I have the biggest mouth. I have always promised or rather forced myself to think I will not be like my parents. We all do that right? I won't be an emotionless parent like my mom was. Don't get me wrong she was a loving mother but she never shared how much I meant to her until I hit my thirties and after kids. I also vowed I would never be a physical punisher. I am a strong advocate of spankings but I have pretty set guidelines on when is right and when is not. If a child accidentally spills juice while not paying attention at the dinner table then I am not going to bring out the belt. An accident is an accident no matter what the age. I wouldn't want someone to spank me every time I pulled out in front of a car "accidentally" because I was too busy checking Facebook on my cell phone. (Done way too many times.) However if my child tells me NO when I have asked them to do something; well that is another matter. It was a conscientious decision on their part to disobey. It is then a conscientious decision on my part to get our spatula.

So I think I have the punishment thing down to a pretty good science and then I realize that while I may not physically harm them sometimes I might verbally. If you have ever heard my voice, especially over the phone, you automatically think that I am 12 and that I couldn't harm a fly. WRONG!!!! I am a screamer; a horrible fly off the handle screamer. It always happens when I am trying to do too many things at once. I am not one of those amazing women who can juggle ten balls in the air. I am lucky to not drop two.

This week has been so rough for me. My patience fades way too quickly and I resort to the vocal threat tactics. I am trying to get ready, trying to get the kids ready, trying to get hubby ready, and quickly I snap. Those two sweet little angels are like target practice for me. I don't use foul language but I always use, "OH MY GOODNESS!!! IF YOU GUYS DON'T ________ MOMMY IS GOING TO _________!!!!!" You know how it goes right?

The other morning Jocie happily bounced up into her car seat to only then have a pitching fit because I buckled her in. How dare I? She wouldn't let me finish and she wouldn't let me undo it for her to start all over again. She started kicking those legs. (We were already 10 minutes behind schedule.) I started screaming and then thanks to my peripheral vision I see my four year old cringe. As if he thought there was a chance I would physically harm them. OUCH!!!! It brought tears to my eyes. Deep breath I took and then started again.

I know as parents we all do it but how do we stop ourselves? Can we stop ourselves? Talking to Phillip wasn't the most effective in this case as his philosophy was they won't even remember it. Well I remember a lot of things at the age of 4. I don't want my children to be in their 30's reminiscing on how loud mommy could be when she got mad. The thought of that just mortifies me.

I have been praying a lot about it this week asking for patience and ideas. Then all of a sudden I got in my car at lunch and the woman talking on the radio spoke to my soul. It was a gift from God. The first thing out of her mouth was, "Hear I am screaming at my 2 year old as my 4 year old is cringing. Who does that?" WOW!!!! I didn't even pull out of the parking lot until I heard all of her testimony. Here is this woman who went through the same thing I am going through. The exact same feelings and the exact same upbringing. She has written a book about being a guilty mom. She had great ideas on learning patience and prioritizing your day to help avoid those stressful moments. It really was inspiring and extremely helpful. Then before she closed her lesson she prayed for me. Okay it was a prayer for every woman who was a mom going through difficult guilty intervals but it felt as if the prayer was towards me directly. Once again I am weeping.

Everyone has a purpose and every moment has a reason. No matter what bearing we are on there is a destination that has been pinpointed by God. Don't ignore the scenery around you. He has put certain people in your life to help you and guide you to higher valleys. The hardships this lady encountered as a mother could have taken place so she could lift me up in my time of tribulation. Now I may not be the sole reason for her testimony but who is to say I am not either? My experiences growing up could be to help one person recover from grief they felt as a child or it only happened to make me a better mother. Either way I know that there is a basis for every step we take. Her advice gave me a new stride in my step and a new resolve to do things a little bit differently. I pray it works.

Listen to God's Word not only from the Bible but from the voices of others. Don't deviate from the direction drawn out for you because you lack faith and can't see the greater picture. God knows all and He fills others with the Holy Spirit so they can testify to the greatness that He has to offer. Communicate and share with others as they extend their advice on certain matters that are speaking to your soul. Thank God for designing our life to be one of complete randomness that only He comprehends.

" Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."

Proverbs 19:20-21

God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers...

In the end they always come back...

2010-03-09T22:18:00.004-05:00

Saying the last 3 days has been a little overwhelming is putting it mildly. I will be the first to praise glory to God for knowing the amount of little patience I have. That is why He blessed me with two kids that are AMAZING!!! It is a rarity that I have to raise a voice or threaten a spatula. (Our version of the paddle.) Well guess what? Rarity has just flown out the window!

This house has been filled with fighting, threatening, mild yelling (I am only fooling myself with the word mild), and a few sightings of the spatula.

I don't know if it was in the water or something my adorable children ate but we have been struggling with some little turned big attitudes around here. Now the key to parenting and/or being a great parent is knowing how to deal with your kids on a personal level. What works for one may not work for the other. I said key and trust me I don't even know how to find the lock so I am just assuming that what I am talking about makes sense. So bare with me....

I am still trying to pinpoint what works for Nickolas. He is a very emotional old soul who can be disciplined by the threatening of mommy's heart breaking or tears from daddy if he doesn't do what he is suppose to do. Okay at least I think that is what works.

Jocie oh my dear Jocie...she is the independent one. If she isn't sure it wasn't her idea then it isn't going to happen. Our battle as of late is bed time. She isn't buying into the whole going to bed on time thing. Crazy girl she is. So last night Phillip and I announced bed time by using one of our dorky songs to make it a happy time. It didn't really work for Jocie. The tears started followed by a full blown temper tantrum. As we drug her into the bedroom the real drama began. Nickolas sat there on the bed waiting for books while he witnessed his little sister stomping the floor with hands and feet. I decided to take a deep breath and halt all of my screaming and demanding. I loosened my grip on her tiny waist and she instantly stormed out the room. Phillip and I looked at each other with pleading eyes wondering who was gonna race after her. "Just let her go" I said and we waited. Jocie was only a few feet away as she was hiding out in her toy room. For about 5 minutes she wept and then she started talking. We stopped our singing with Nicky to focus on what she was saying.
"I am so mad. I don't want to go to sleep."
"I don't want mommy or daddy to put me to bed."
"I just want to sing songs with my Nicky."
"I want daddy to put me in my crib so he can cover me up."
It was amazing hearing her talk her feelings out. One instant she is mad and the very next she has convinced herself that if she just went to bed everything would be okay. Phillip and I couldn't help but giggle and then Nickolas piped in with his snickers. Next thing you know our stinkerbell Jocie comes bouncing into the room to announce, "Mommy I am happy now. I am ready to go night night. Daddy pweeze pick me up" Her father picks her up and then within 10 minutes she is snug in her bed dreaming away.
So many times we resist what is happening in our lives. We refuse to accept the pain or the reality of not getting our way. We stomp our feet on the floor and many times just walk away without putting in any effort or communicating our feelings.
Our Father teaches us to not focus on tomorrow but deal with today. Try to handle the right now. There is a reason for where He puts us. He has given us each an individual path that is tailored to fit and support what is happening right at that moment. Don't refuse His direction or His will.
The more I think about God and learn to communicate with Him constantly; the easier it is for me to visualize His expressions. Imagine our God looking down on us or from within us as we have our temper tantrums. The exacerbated look on His face as we leave Him thinking we can find a better way. The joy radiating from His smile when we give in and come crawling back pleading, "Okay let's do it your way as it is meant to be. Daddy please pick me up."
At the end of the day or at the end of trials and tribulations believers of God always come back home. We know there is no other place to feel comforted and provided for. Don't fight God's plan for you. It isn't a punishment or penance but instead the clear and faithful path crafted by the One and Only.

"See, I will bring them from the land of the north and gather them from the ends of the earth. Among them will be the blind and the lame, expectant mothers and women in labor; a great throng will return. They will come with weeping; they will pray as I bring them back. I will lead them beside streams of water on a level path where they will not stumble, because I am Israel's father,"

Jeremiah 31:8-9

God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers...

Check, check, and check...

2010-03-08T22:06:00.002-05:00

My most stressful time of the whole day is 8:30-9:30. That hour can be the most frustrating and time consuming hour of my whole day. This begins the battle of putting the kids to bed, cleaning dirty dishes, trying to squeeze a conversation in with Phillip, and already beginning preparation for tomorrow. I have to decide on clothes for myself and the kids plus figuring out the plan for dinner the next night. I mean this hour is busier than my whole 8 hr. work day. Ah the joys of being a mommy, wife, and of course housekeeper. Don't even get me started on how to fit the time in for exercise. I guess that is why I so easily give up on that. I just blame lack of time. :)
I have realized that all of this preparation for the next day really depends on what I already know is going on that day. What is the weather going to be? Do I have to work late? Do the kids have any activities that they are invited to? It makes my decisions for the next day a lot easier.
How prepared and focused are you for tomorrow? How prepared and focused are you for the coming of Christ?
I think about what all I would have to do to check off my "To Do List" if I knew my King was arriving tomorrow? I definitely wouldn't be worried about what to defrost from the freezer.
I think about all the phone calls I would need to make to say "I am so sorry". There would be numerous calls to tell people that I love them. I would try to make as many amends as I could to ones I have scorned. I would cling to my children and let them know about how the greatest gift ever will be waiting for them tomorrow. I would kiss my husband like I never have before and try to explain to him how meaningful our life together has been.
Then......
I would pray. Knees on floor, head on palms, lips touching the floor, fanatically praying.
I would be rejoicing. I definitely wouldn't be able to sleep. How could I? My Saviour is coming!!!!! Forget cleaning the house. I have to cleanse my soul.
I would read His Word. Fervently turning the pages and reading what has already been foretold to happen in preparation for what is to come.
I would pack. Of course I wouldn't pack clothes or materials but I would pack my memories. I would pack my faith and my love for my Father. HE IS COMING!!!!

So at the end of the last night here on Earth I could check, check, check, and check off my list. Wow I guess my 8:30-9:30 hour is kind of insignificant right about now. So why would I do things differently only if I knew for sure The Messiah was coming tomorrow? You see we don't know the day or the hour but we can't keep putting off our preparations for it. Nothing else matters because we can't call a time out when we start hearing the angels sing and the trumpets blaring.

"No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. As it was in the days of Noah, so it will be at the coming of the Son of Man.''

Matthew 24:36-37

Create a new "To Do List" and check it off as fast as you can.

"In my vision at night I looked, and there before me was one like a son of man, coming with the clouds of heaven. He approached the Ancient of Days and was led into his presence. He was given authority, glory and sovereign power; all peoples, nations and men of every language worshiped him. His dominion is an everlasting dominion that will not pass away, and his kingdom is one that will never be destroyed."

Daniel 7:13-14

God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers...

Time to throw it away...

2010-03-07T21:03:00.002-05:00

As many of you know my little Jocie is a pistol. She is an independent fireball that will do things on her own time. Sometimes this strong trait of hers is completely frustrating then other times it is kind of a blessing.
The hardest thing for me as a mom up to this point was when I was trying to break Nickolas from his pacifier. I tried at 2 1/2 years and it was a rough weekend. After the 3rd day I remember Nickolas getting very sick and all I wanted was for him to sleep so of course I got the pacifier (that was suppose to have been lost) and stuck it right back in his mouth. I made him suffer and be broken hearted for 3 days to only give in when I needed my selfish desires to be met. We tried again at the age of 3 and it was just as hard but I didn't give in and we finally kicked the habit. Those 3 days were so extremely emotional though because like every parent knows; kids get attached very easily. Nickolas not being able to soothe his addiction was so heart breaking.
Now you would think I would be one of those people who learns from my mistakes. However once Jocie was born I stuck her "Na Na" right in her mouth and never looked back. Her need for it was never as strong as Nickolas' was but she still demanded it every nap time and at night.
Last weekend Jocie just floored me. She woke up with that big beautiful grin and said, "Carry me out of the crib mommy." As soon as her feet hit the floor she turned around to look at me. She popped that na na out of her mouth and said, "Mommy this na na is so yucky. I am a big girl now and I don't need it anymore!" She then proceeded to the trash can where she threw it without hesitation. I couldn't believe it. Of course cynical me thought surely when nap time comes around she will be singing a different tune. Um negative. She never talked about it again. For the next week I was sure every night there would be a cry out for it. One night she started hollering for me but then only asked for a cookie. When I said no she just rolled right over.
So I guess today was the actual day I gave up her na na since I officially threw them all away this afternoon. If only I could do that with chocolate.
How funny and how different my two children are. How funny and how different we all are. Some people have such an amazing strength and can easily recognize their addictions while the rest of US agonize day after day over things we know aren't good for us.
I can only imagine our Father in Heaven looking down on us while we debate on how to get rid of our addictions that are not good for us. "Just throw it in the trash my child."
It is so hard to admit things we have become fanatic over and so much harder to let them go. At some point you have to start recognizing what obstacles are keeping you from being a better Christian. There is a difference between sneaking some chocolate once a day compared to lying and unfaithfulness. The more dependent you become on your sins the less dependent you are on God.

"Who among you fears the LORD and obeys the word of his servant? Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God."

Isaiah 50:10

So what are my little obsessions? Well there is the big fat one of gossiping. I have a hard time taming my tongue. Even though I think of myself as a truly empathetic person I still will talk about someone in a heartbeat. I try so hard each morning to be like Jocie and just throw it away. "This isn't good for me and I need to move on." By 11 a.m. I am gossiping to my co-worker about what my last customer just told me about her husband. Tisk tisk tisk.
I don't have that inner strength that others seem to have. However I do have God. I have His Word that I am trying so very hard to look at every time I have a moment to open the Bible. Through the readings of scripture and the guiding force of the Holy Spirit I am able to fight away those temptations that deteriorate me as a Christian. I am able to be strong and not be dependent on those sins to get me through the day. I gain more empathy and more respect for those around me. At night time I breathe a sigh of relief as I symbolically take out the trash. It is full of my little addictions that hindered me all day.
God's Word gives us stability and fortitude to keep going while leaving our compulsions behind.I am a better person when I give the Lord my all instead of when I try to battle the day without Him.
So what do you need to throw away at this very moment? Is it idolatry, greed, or coveting? Please my friend LET IT GO!!! Is it really worth living days and nights in an endless hell just so you can keep stealing things that will never truthfully belong to you? Isn't the guilt of your compulsions bearing enough weight on you? It is time to let it go and let the TRUTH set you free.

"What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures."

James 4:1-3

God bless to all of my faithful followers and friends.

Fit for the final destination...

2010-03-03T22:11:00.003-05:00

I hate running. Actually I despise it. I might despise the people who love to run alsos Who gets joy out of it? Yesterday it snowed all day. Outside my work window I saw 2 runners. It bothered me. However this is a happy loving blog so I should move on.
As much as runners bother me I admire them extremely. They have a purpose. Whether they are getting fit to lose weight or find inner peace by running away their problems they are doing a good thing for their body.
I was engaged 12 months before my big wedding day. It was penciled in on every calendar I could find and every day would be a count down for the most important day ever. I had a purpose to try to run...or walk whichever you prefer. I was just trying to be the fittest I could be for my big day.
Now that was a wonderful day but oh dear friends a greater day is drawing near and it is coming fast. Are you ready? How fit are you for your final destination? If only we could mark it on our calendar.
The bible is our pathway to being spiritually fit. It is our exercise machine to make our bodies stronger and to help our souls find that inner peace. If only I could run as passionately as I read the Bible. I am not great at it and I am by no means an expert but wow do I love it. It prepares me for the one thing I have been waiting my whole life for...coming face to face with my All knowing All powerful Jehovah.

"Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.'

1 Peter 1:13

Well it is time my friends. The days are passing away like the seasons. Look at all the calendars around and strike each day away.

"You have made my days a mere hand breadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man's life is but a breath."

Psalm 39:5

Does any other day even pale in comparison to the coming of Jesus? Will you be shocked by what happens or have you read Revelations to prepare yourself for the first steps He takes? Have you taken Peter's words to heart and started laying the groundwork for what is to come? IT IS TIME!
Now go run the race that is set before you and do not delay. God bless to all of my faithful followers and friends.

"The revelation of Jesus Christ, which God gave him to show his servants what must soon take place. He made it known by sending his angel to his servant John, who testifies to everything he saw—that is, the word of God and the testimony of Jesus Christ. Blessed is the one who reads the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear it and take to heart what is written in it, because the time is near."

Revelation 1:1-3

Forever is not long enough...

2010-03-02T21:43:00.002-05:00

So how many of us are looking for a perfect love? How long did it take to find someone who was perfect then you realize that in this earthly realm those two words just don't mesh?
It took me literally 9 years and 10 months of a fabulous marriage to realize that perfect love doesn't exist. Uh oh!!! I know what you all are thinking. What happened? Absolutely nothing wrong or intense happened but for the first time I opened my eyes and saw before me a sinner just like me. I know that I have written this before about being married to a perfect sinner but I just can't reiterate it enough. Why such high expectations of a person who is just like you?
I see a lot of friends near me that have been searching and keep searching for a companion. I couldn't imagine years and years going by and feeling alone or heartbroken at every turn. I met Phillip at the age of 19 and my life before that seemed like a long eternity of heartaches and tears. So I deeply sympathize with people who are in their 20's, 30's, and so on and on who keep searching for that right someone. How much more devastating is the one who truly believes that they have found a perfect soul mate only to be rejected and cast away after a few months, a few years, or a long marriage and kids later.
Now let me just say that I hope and pray to have a marriage that last this lifetime and into Heaven. I don't try to sound like I am so independent and so good that I don't need this marriage. It would shatter me if I lost it. Now saying that let me say I NEED something more. I need my relationship with God. I have to say good morning to my Father before I even care to turn over and see my husband's face. I want a goodnight kiss every night to feel secure and loved from Philly but I MUST have a one on one intimate conversation with my Maker to feel complete and whole. Make sense?
I don't know what happens after this life when it comes to our loved ones. I have my own personal thoughts and hopes but NO one knows how relationships and memories work and evolve in Heaven. Guess what thought? In the end it won't matter because we won't feel loss or regret because we will finally have PERFECT LOVE!!!
A lifetime with Phillip is a blessing but forever is not long enough with God. It just isn't. My heart would break into a million pieces if at this point forward my Father turned His back on me. Trust me a broken, rejected, or lonely heart will pale in comparison to that of not spending eternity with our Maker. So don't give up hope if at right this moment you don't have a partner. Not all is lost. In fact all is to be gained. Your salvation, your eternity, and an endless lifetime with the One and Only.

"For who is God besides the LORD? And who is the Rock except our God?
It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights."

2 Samuel 22:32-34

Spring Cleaning...

2010-02-28T23:02:00.004-05:00

One of my little favorite past times is to look at houses for sale. I find it interesting while I am sure Phillip finds it extremely annoying. He thinks it means I am ready to start packing at any minute so it gives him a little anxiety that I am not happy where we are. In reality I know that in no way are we ready to upgrade our home but I can't help looking around. Actually I love looking at the pictures so I can get new ideas for decorating in the future. It also helps me figure out what it is that I would have to have in my next house. For me some must haves are lots of windows, dark cabinets and marble counter tops in the kitchen, a laundry room that is large enough for me to stretch my arms out, and a bath tub that is large enough for me to soak in for hours.
I have been focusing the past couple of days on taking stock of my spiritual gifts. I know that I am not in anyway using the resources God has given me to bring other people to God. I need to separate my talents from my spiritual gifts because they are not the same thing. Just because I love to write doesn't mean I should use this blog as my excuse for why I don't do anything else to teach someone about the word of God. So I must first focus within and see if the Holy Spirit has complete residence in my soul.
I have no doubt that in my youth and even in the most recent years I have been letting my soul act more like a Holiday Inn for the Holy Spirit. I would so easily check in and out in that He never was able to get completely comfortable. Now I am at the point of my life where the sale is complete and He is all moved in. Hallelujah! I love the way it feels knowing the love of my life is in me and shall never leave me. You can't say that about any earthly companion no matter how perfect you think your love is.
However I know that even though God is in control of my body and my life that I still have responsibilities to make sure that my temple stays holy.

"Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him; for God's temple is sacred, and you are that temple."

1 Corinthians 3:16-17

I need to constantly be on watch for any dust or dirt that can easily infiltrate my heart. I should always be cleaning those windows so the light can shine in without any dirty reflections. I have to take out the garbage that consists of pride, arrogance, and selfish desires. I must stock up the pantry with faith, humility, and an intense desire to constantly learn God's word. I need to have spacious quarters for my Maker so that He never feels He has to share my soul with anything or anyone else. Basically I don't ever want God to put a For Sale sign on my life. I don't want Him searching the Internet for a better place to reside.

I know that every woman knows that when the days get warmer and longer that it is time to clean out the closets. Don't wait for the perfect Saturday to do that with your soul. Nothing like the present moment to start working on cleaning up life for your salvation.
God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.

"There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but the same God works all of them in all men. Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good. To one there is given through the Spirit the message of wisdom, to another the message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit, to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit, to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another distinguishing between spirits, to another speaking in different kinds of tongues, and to still another the interpretation of tongues. All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he gives them to each one, just as he determines."

1 Corinthians 12:4-11

In the still of the night...

2010-02-25T22:56:00.003-05:00

The number one rarity in my life is silence. I can't even get that through a whole night when I am trying to sleep. Silence though is the closest way I get close to my God. It use to make me feel so awkward though. Kind of like on the first date when you have nothing to say to the person sitting in front of you. It just becomes more and more uncomfortable. In the quiet of my life I have always known that God was there but would so quickly try to distract myself. I would hum a favorite tune, open up my laptop, read a book beside the Bible, or try really hard to force myself asleep. Now I rejoice in the quiet because I know that is when I hear the knocking of the door and my Savior walks in. "Welcome my Lord!"
During the day I spend a lot of time listening to music or sermons on the radio and something very surprising happens. The most shocking thing is every message that I hear is always the same. What is shocking about it? I use to ignore it? What is the message? Just listen! Praise and adore and then just listen. Please!
Guess what? It works! Every time I go by that mindset I get miraculous results.
Last night I felt like I had some heavy burdens and of course many light ones. My God knows all of that though. He is with me every second of the day. I felt that there was no need to waste the short amount of time I was giving Him with information He already knew; especially since He designed it that way. Instead in the darkness of my room I took a deep breath. I inhaled, exhaled, and then praised. I don't use lavish words because I am not very good at it and God does not requre it. Instead I am sincere. The same sincerity that I would use on my children or my husband is now used to shower my Father.
Inhale and then I exhale. Quiet...
Then He arrives. The Holy Spirit pours out from me and wraps His arms around me like a blanket of never ending love. I weep. My God is there comforting me, loving me, and breathing life into me. Wow do I weep. My God is so good. He takes my burdens of the day and they vanish like smoke from a flame. I didn't even have to ask for deliverance from them. He even lifts sorrows that I didn't even realize were weighing me down.
This morning I have a new step in my stride. He has been with me all day because of that most intimate moment we shared last night. I can not and will not let Him go. Never again. Now I rejoice in the silence of my solitude. I encourage you to do the same. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
Psalms 4:3-5
"Know that the LORD has set apart the godly for himself; the LORD will hear when I call to him. In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. Selah Offer right sacrifices and trust in the LORD."

What is your investment plan?

2010-02-24T22:51:00.005-05:00

I work in the financial industry and the number one question I hear is "What are your CD rates?" Of course I want to shout out "HORRIBLE" but then we wouldn't have any business. It really boggles my mind though the amount of people who just call banks all day to search around for the best rate when the difference is so minuscule.
Of course though I am not one who has the money to invest so what do I know?
I try to be very gracious for every little and every big thing I have. That wouldn't have been me 5 years ago. Every day I wanted more clothes, jewelry, handbags, etc. to keep me satisfied. At some points I am embarrassed at the steps I took to get them. Where is that stuff now? I couldn't tell you. As for right now I feel I have everything according to what God has planned for me. Do I wish I had a top of the line washer and dryer in a big laundry room on the second floor of a 3000 sq foot house? Well of course but I am not willing to sacrifice anything beyond my means to get it. It is like the phrase that all of us know, "You can't take it with you in Heaven."
The best 401k plan for your retirement to Heaven is based on the success of your daily faith. Think about all of the people who have unfortunately lost their life savings in the past few years because they sat back trusting someone else to make the best choices for them . To their surprise and dismay everything they put in vanished right before their eyes. They would just get a quarterly or semi-annual statement that showed dismal numbers getting smaller and smaller. The average Joe who started out with a few hundred dollars decided to do it for himself and watched the market daily. He made daily decisions about when to sell and when to buy. He trusted his own instincts and relied on the information he saw in front of him to make the right choices. Now he may not be a millionaire but he has created a nice little nest egg for himself.
How do you invest when it comes to your security in Heaven? Who is your stockbroker? Many people feel that a weekly or pathetic monthly dusting of the Bible secures their place in Eternity. Some rely on their pastor to provide the right advice on early Sunday mornings to yield a high return for their ticket to Heaven. "If I just open my ears and nod to what he says then surely my service is done for the week." Then they never think about the message or God again until the next Sunday. More sadly is many many people are more focused on their actual 401k plan for this life than the opening of Heaven's gate for them.
Your daily faith in God is a crucial tool for success. Without faith you walk blindly in this world. You walk your own path or the path of others but never do you walk the path that leads you to your Father. Faith is EVERYTHING. It lays out the foundation for a strong partnership with your maker. Daily faith creates unbreakable trust. When you trust you give all. When you give all you receive eternity. Don't count the pennies in your pocket but instead count the stars in the sky. That times a bizillion is how many times your Savior loves you. Forget your interest rate for the next 6 months and imagine your dwelling place in the world without end. Don't delay because you never know when the next stock market crash will happen. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
Luke 12:32-34
"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Little Pink Fingernails...

2010-02-22T00:21:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I painted Jocie's fingernails and toenails pink.
Today all she did was swing.
We each have an obsession. Well that is unless you are like me and are just pretty much addicted to everything. However the typical person has one thing they really enjoy doing. My sweet Jocie's love is swinging. Watch out world when she figures it out that with a little effort she can do it by herself. Until then it is up to me or any other hands in sight to push her until you become numb. With the sun shining on those golden locks and the sound of "Whee" coming out of that mouth every time she descended down I couldn't help but smile all day. I realized my new favorite thing is noticing her hands. These delicate little porcelain doll fingers become so tightly wound around big huge chunks of metal knots. She never lets go. She never readjusts them to get some feeling back into them. She just holds on and keeps swinging. All you see is specks of pink with tints of sparkle going up and down and up and down. I love those little pink fingernails.
Her swinging actually started first thing this morning at church. Phillip and I were teaching the 4 year old classroom today and were able to spot our little girl outside with her 2 year old class. Quite a surprise when her classroom door swung open and our little stinkerbell (as she is affectionately now called in our house) goes right for the one and only swing. The poor other 2 year olds never had a chance. Now it is something to worry about your child with heights when you are standing near by but when a plate of glass and thick wall is between you; well that is another. When this woman started pushing my daughter I instantly knew she did not have kids. The beginning process was all wrong and immediately the height of which my daughter ascended made me cringe. Don't even get me started on the wobbling of the swing. Good thing I couldn't see my Jocie's face. Once again all I saw was the golden locks and the pink fingernail polish. This time the polish was being out shined by the purple coming from the tight grip of those little fingers. The lady walked away apparently believing that this horrible first push would last long enough to appease my little girl. So wrong was she. When the swing stopped Jocie just stayed put with a deep glare fixated on her teacher. The lady noticed and came over to try it again. She bent down to hear something Jocie was saying and then pushed again. What did she think she was swinging? Was she trying out for javelin competition. Instantly she grabbed the swing from the air and halted the process. She once again bent down and from the look on her face I could see that my "Stinkerbell" let her feelings be well known. Third time must be a charm because the next push was the way my girl likes it. That a girl I thought to myself as I pried my hands off the baby doll that I was choking.
What determination that little girl had. The first time she could have cried and just jumped off as soon as she was at a stop. The second time she could have requested for someone else to push her or just given up when the same teacher came over. Yet Jocie's passion for swinging wouldn't let her give in.
What are you passionate about? How many times to you give up because well you simply get scared because the risk is too high and you just don't feel grounded anymore? Wow that happens to me so many times. Just life in general is such a scary ride. You don't want to rely on anybody else and you definitely don't trust the same people when they fail you over and over again.
I know that God is always with my children. They are blessed children who have a Father who is always there. I have no doubt that when Jocie's hands were so tight around that chain it was because Jesus' hands were squeezing her for assurance and comfort. He wasn't going to let her fall. He won't let you fall either you know? Sure we get our bumps and bruises. Jocie will have many too. In the end He is always there though. No matter the risk and no matter the consequence; He will always be there whether we land on our feet or land with our head kneeling to the ground. The ultimate goal is to be passionate about Jesus and to have a relationship with Him that feels like you are swinging for hours and hours with no end. What greater pleasure can there be? May you wrap your hands tightly around the chain that connects you to the Maker of Heaven and Earth and never let go. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
Deuteronomy 13:3-4
"The LORD your God is testing you to find out whether you love him with all your heart and with all your soul. It is the LORD your God you must follow, and him you must revere. Keep his commands and obey him; serve him and hold fast to him."

How much is enough?

2010-02-19T23:28:00.006-05:00

You know I think about the end of times a lot. It is kind of obsessive at this point. I wonder where I will be at the exact moment when Jesus comes back to take what is rightfully his. Will I be blessed to be holding my children's hands alongside my husband or will my time here on this wasteland already been done with? I don't wonder so much about what happens after that. I know my treasures in Heaven have already been planted for me and I know just being be my Saviour's side is all the riches I need. I ponder more about how long God will allow non-believer's to continue to disgrace all that He has given us? I actually think that is isn't the point of when God has judged each person but when each person has made their final judgement about God. I like to think of myself as a truly loving Christian. I am not a fire and brimstone kind of gal. I don't believe in judgement or the crucifying of others. I give that to some ONE who is much more powerful than I. I try to live each day honestly loving every single one who I come across. Of course I have my normal human reactions to the person who cuts me off on the highway and the customer who is so absolutely rude to me but damnation I don't touch. I am amazed by how many people are ready to damn other people because of their sexual immorality or because of their past convictions. Isn't a sin a sin? While there are many whom I don't understand I must believe that if my God is an all consuming loving God then He loves the next person as equally as He loves me. I will let Him be in charge of the final days of judgement. I am surprised though that God still holds out for us. Each day is one more day of hope and promise He gives us to make that most important and final decision. Yet daily I see people just throw it completely away. I become outraged and embarrassed for the typical human way of thinking. I am amazed how quickly people's way of thinking moves and bends to help justify their own evil ways. I am appalled how quickly people deny the existence of God to help them deny their own weakness. Our God is a righteous God who wants nothing more than to anoint all of His children into the kingdom of Heaven. We are His children. Unfortunately just like our family and friends daily disappoint us so His children continue to fail Him. What can we do? What can I do? In this huge big world full of hate, destruction, despair, and poverty how do we convince people in the light of Jesus? We pray and we shout on the rooftops the love we have for our God. We teach our children how to walk with faith instead of doubt. We become true examples of Jesus' teachings in the Bible and most importantly we read His Word with a fervent desire so at that one moment when one comes to ask for direction we have the best resource available. How much is enough? When shall our Father shout to the ends of the world and announce "Today is the day! Now it is done."? Do not let another day of judgement or complacency pass you by. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
Revelation 3:7-13
These are the words of him who is holy and true, who holds the key of David.
What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open. I know your deeds.
See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name. I will make those who are of the synagogue of Satan, who claim to be Jews though they are not, but are liars—I will make them come and fall down at your feet and acknowledge that I have loved you.
Since you have kept my command to endure patiently, I will also keep you from the hour of trial that is going to come upon the whole world to test those who live on the earth.
I am coming soon. Hold on to what you have, so that no one will take your crown.
Him who overcomes I will make a pillar in the temple of my God. Never again will he leave it.
I will write on him the name of my God and the name of the city of my God, the new Jerusalem, which is coming down out of heaven from my God; and I will also write on him my new name. He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.

Words that heal a hurting soul...

2010-02-18T21:41:00.002-05:00

So I had major surgery on Tuesday. It was so major. Okay not that major. I had a gall bladder removal operation and praise the Lord it went well. About a month ago I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst pain ever and it lasted for about a week. After numerous doctor visits and ct scans the gall bladder was the reason. I was a little anxious over the weekend but things went amazingly smooth. Thanks to all of my dear friends and family who have supported me and fed my family. You guys rock. I love always trying to search for the reasoning behind why things happen. It can be something very profound or something very minuscule. I think tonight as I lay on my mountain of pillows that I found my reason for this surgery. Jocie has been very uninterested in my healing process. As a matter of fact I think she could care less that mommy is even sick. As long as her juice is ready for her in the morning and Max and Ruby still gets playing time on the TV then she is good to go. However tonight I saw a different side of my Jocie bear and I must scream out that "I LOVED IT!!!!". She comes scrambling up on the bed and says, "Mommy I will read you a book and then it will make you feel so much better. OK? OK!"
She then opens up a greeting card I got today from a dear friend and starts telling me the story of Jesus being born in a manger. My jaw dropped. You see my baby girl is not at the point of being interested in our nightly bible stories, or saying our prayers, or even talking about Jesus living in our hearts. So her loving story of Jesus being born in the manger with an angel telling everyone about it was amazing. She went on to read the story to me about 30 more times then sang "Jesus loves me" while holding my hand. I of course got teary eyed as usual. Jocie says, "Oh mommy. Is the pain still there? Let's say your prayer that always make you happy and feel safe." She is talking about The Lord's Prayer and I recite it to them every morning. I always tell them that if they ever get scared or frightened they can pray this and Jesus will immediately make them feel safe. I always assumed that Nickolas was the only one listening because Jocie had never spoken one word of the prayer. That is until now! Words so sweet to my heart and soul. Well worth the pain a few weeks ago and the discomfort of the surgery to know that my little girl is starting to share the Word of God. I learned that things you see every single day of your life can always glow a new shade of color if you hold it just right in the light of God. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
Matthew 6:8-15
Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.
"This, then, is how you should pray:
" 'Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.'
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Don't give up on me!!!

2010-01-26T22:11:00.002-05:00

Oh my goodness I could strangle myself for my lack of commitment to you guys and to myself when it comes to writing down my feelings. I think about you every day and how many things I witness daily that I want to shout to the world about. There is no reason for being absent so long. It is just another thing that I have put on the back burner. So many great blessings have happened the past month. Christmas was a wonderful time for me and my family. Every year as the kids get older the wonder in their eyes on Christmas morning is more amazing. We were blessed to be able to spoil them like crazy. We celebrated the birth of Jesus in our pajamas the whole day and it was just simply AWESOME! New Year's Eve was a joyous event that we celebrate every year with some of our dearest friends. Seeing all of our little TOTS run around the house until 1 or 2 in the morning as we yelled and screamed over board games was fabulous. January has been a blessed month. Phillip found a job. YEAH!!!!!!! He is so excited and full of trepidation at the same time. I am so unbelievably proud of him because under the hassle of two screaming kids he stayed positive and triumphant. God is amazing. Phillip started training this week and no coincidence his unemployment ended this week. What a GOD!!! Never once did we go in need or doubt the provisions our Father has given us. We are so excited about this new chapter in our lives. The greatest blessing to me at this moment is that Phillip and I have never been closer. I just don't know what it is except for the power of God working in our relationship. Our communication and belief in each other has brought us to another level of a fabulous marriage and I praise God every minute of every day for it. Our children are happy and healthy and every night we both lay our children down as we pray over them. God is GOOD!!!! I pray that in our separation you too have been blessed in unbelievable ways. So please don't give up on me as I promise to commit more time to you and the Word of God. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
1 Peter 1:3-9
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!
In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,
and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you,
who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.
These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold,
which perishes even though refined by fire—
may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now,
you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy,
for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

They believe what they hear....

2009-12-08T21:45:00.002-05:00

So a tragedy of mass proportion happened Sunday night. Luckily for the fast thinking mom that I am, I quickly halted the devastation. Nickolas comes barreling in the kitchen with crocodile tears rolling down his cheek. "Buddy what is wrong?" Now at this point I immediately expected the classic response of "Jocie did ______!" I left it blank because at this point Jocie has done any and everything to make Nickolas cry. I was shocked when he cried, "Santa cancelled Christmas because of the snow!" Now at this point I immediately expected that his father said something to him to annoy the crap out of him. Then I heard the hanging of Christmas lights and realized his daddy was up on the roof. So I ask him to guide me to the problem and we land in front of the TV. Playing was Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. At that very moment what was on the TV was a reality to Nickolas. He truly believed that the play dough 1ft. Santa in front of him was cancelling Christmas. I hugged him and reassured him that after the next commercial break something amazing was going to happen. Luckily for us Rudolph saved the day and we survived the cancelling of Christmas. I think we easily forget how at such a young age our children believe everything they see and hear. Another example: I love soap operas. I know terrible. Such sin to watch that crap but man do I love it. I use to come home everyday and play my daily recorded show. Then suddenly I became bombarded by questions? "Mommy why is he in the hospital?" "Mommy why is she in jail?" "Mommy why does that man always kiss different girls?" Okay so you get the picture. I wish I could say I gave up the show but now it just plays after the little ones are in bed! It is true though that little ones can't separate real from fiction. They believe all words and all sights. I know for most of us we use this knowledge as a way to avoid bad case scenarios. No cussing, no fighting in front of the kids, and no yelling at the bad driver in front of us. Why don't we use it for a greater good? Tell them the miracles of God now so it infiltrates their hearts and resides permanently. Constantly praise God and glorify His riches He lavishes among us so they don't doubt at an older age. He is a King. He is our Saviour. He is in our soul. He is! He is! He is! What a better time to introduce your child to the truth of God then at the celebration of His birth? Daily talk about the baby in the manger and the miracle that started with Mary. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
Romans 10:8-10
But what does it say? "The word is near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart,"
that is, the word of faith we are proclaiming:
That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord,"
and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.
For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified,
and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.

Did you know?

2009-12-06T22:57:00.003-05:00

"Did you know
That your baby boy has come to make you new?
This child that you've delivered
Will soon deliver you."
That verse is my favorite from Mary did you know. We heard it in church today and it has been on mind all day. Really that section applies to anyone who has delivered a child into this world. I know the birth of my children changed me in so many ways and made me new. I would not be grounded in faith so strongly if it wasn't for my children. We also celebrated baptisms today for two young children. Where is the Kleenex because I am about to lose it. Poor Philly always knows that when the first sight of a small child sinking into that water starts that he better hold me up. I always notice the parents that get the privilege of standing behind their child. Their expressions fascinate me. Some have blank stares while others have glimpses of happiness. All I am going to say is someone better be there ready to hold me up when one of my own makes that amazing decision to give their life to Christ. I am going to be bawling like a baby.
You have to think back to Mary and wonder what she thought and felt the first time she held those sweet hands of our Savior? Of course she had the normal feelings we all have as a mother but this wasn't a normal baby. This was the One who would deliver the world. We hold our newborn and bond with them. They instantly change our purpose in this world and impact the depth of our faith. We begin to focus solely on the protection of them so as the world can never harm them. Mary had to pretty much give Jesus up the moment she held Him. Instead of her protecting Him she knew by the Holy Spirit that He would already be sacrificed for a greater purpose. Mary spent the first 30 years of her Son's life watching Him learning, teaching, and preparing. I am sure she was in awe of her son. Aren't we all? I look at my children and truly believe that they will do amazing things but nothing will ever be as amazing as their walk with God. It is vitally important that I teach them that path at an early age. It is only fair if you think about it. My children brought me to a much more deep and clearer understanding of God and His love for me. They made me new in my faith and delivered me from the trappings of a sinner's life. I owe them the example of being a good person. It is the least I can do.
I pray that this entry finds you well and getting ready for the celebration of our Savior's birth. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
Luke 1:26-38
In the sixth month, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin's name was Mary. The angel went to her and said, "Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you."
Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end."
"How will this be," Mary asked the angel, "since I am a virgin?"
The angel answered, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God."
"I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said." Then the angel left her.

A big surprise...

2009-11-22T21:24:00.003-05:00

The past few days have been very weird for me. Scratch that....Last Wednesday was a very hard day for me and the days that have since followed have been different. Last Wednesday I am sitting in a dreary cold office on a boring conference call when one of my fellow employees pops in to bring me a fax. When I gazed at it I think my mind froze for at least a whole minute. I just couldn't believe what was in front of my eyes. It was clearly from my mother (even though it was a few minutes later before I read her words to me) as the sensitive information couldn't have been important to anyone else. I was staring at the obituary of the man who was my stepfather for 15 years of my life. The man who taught me a lot and at the same time physically and mentally abused me all of those 15 years. After I left home when I was 17 I never saw him again. It doesn't mean though that I didn't always look over my shoulder wondering where he was at. My mom, step-father, and me were originally from a small town in Alabama. I had always hoped that he had decided to go back there once my mother got enough courage to leave him a few months after I did. Over the years I have tried to "google" him and such but never had any luck. It seems my mom was doing the exact same thing. For the last 16 years this man has still been consuming my thoughts and invading my dreams. Now let me say that it isn't an every day, every minute kind of thought but he was always lingering around the corner of fear. I have forgiven this man along time ago and even now can truly be sure of that but it doesn't mean I forgot.

So seeing this obituary just invoked a crazy mixture of emotions that I couldn't even sort through until late that night. The obituary stated that he was back in Alabama and it seemed he died of cancer. There was no funeral but a small memorial then visitation at his daughter's (real daughter older than me) house. He never remarried and I was relieved to see there were no other children involved.

The rest of the day was kind of hazy. I told Phillip and he was shocked too. I think he immediately worried about how long I was going to hold in my true emotions before breaking. I love that he knows me so well. I was also perplexed in the way my mom told me. I mean who sends a fax to their daughter? Not only that but above the obituary was an endorsement from mom that stated, "I love you, Mom-Rejoice!" I mean that in its own will have to be another entry.

I finished my day out with a wonderful night of dinner with some great friends, good conversation with Phillip, tucked my sweet children into their safe beds, and ended up in prayer. My prayer in God turned into a conversation to my stepfather. It was really powerful. I truly believed that if he did receive salvation in his final years that God would let him hear me at that moment. I talked of forgiveness, some good memories and valuable lessons he taught me. Then in the next breath I whimpered in anger about all that he did to me and how I hope he was man enough in the end to accept God. It felt good really good. It was better than any therapy that I could have paid for. I ended up wanting nothing else in this world than to have my husband cradle me in my arms. It was finally over.
Since then I have been at a quiet peace. I haven't had one bad dream in almsot a week. Maybe I will stop bothering all of you with these depressing entries now. Okay probably not. It was like I had closure by having an invincible conversation but hey whatever works right?
So at the end of these many many words you are probably wondering how am I going to relate this event to a lesson about God? Well I worry about my step-father's salvation. I actually am debating on getting in touch with the daughter or pastor, now that I have their addresses, to see if they could tell me about his last years. I guess I would just like to know that in the end he became the man that God always wanted him to be. His life was no less than mine. He was no less of a child of God than I am. God loved him just as He loves me. Our Father witnessed him make horrible mistakes just as He watches me. God could have easily forgave him like He daily forgives me. I am done with judging. I think our time is quickly coming when judgement will be over with and all we have left is eternity.
I urge each of you, including myself, to stop playing around. Don't hide anything from the One who knows all. Just lay it all down and please let it go. There are things I have done in my short life that are worse than what my stepfather did to me and my mother. However by the Grace of God I have been forgiven. While my sins are hard for me to swallow it is amazing to me that He handles it so easy. It is just like when your own children does something so incredibly wrong and all you want to do is pick them up and hold them forever. God does the exact same thing for us every single time. God bless to all of my favorite friends and followers.
2 Samuel 22:2-4
He said:
"The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield and the horn of my salvation.
He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior—
from violent men you save me.
I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and I am saved from my enemies.

Just another day...

2009-11-17T23:18:00.002-05:00

Once again I end my night wondering if I failed as a mommy. Now don't feel sorry for me because I know I am pretty good rockin' mom but just feeling like I let my children down tonight. I got home, cleaned house, talked to hubby, acknowledged the kids, fed the kids, and then we really didn't connect until around bed time. Isn't that sad? We had a great bed time with barrels of laughter and many songs. Now in the silence of bedtime I keep asking, "Gosh what else would I have done different?" Gee I wouldn't have focused on texting, facebooking, and TV watching. My kids are really lucky compared to what other kids are having to be subjected to now a days. That isn't enough though. They deserve more. Our life together means more than just a few happy moments a day. It is so hard though to get my selfish tendencies out of the way. I mean it is a new attitude adjustment every day. Sometimes it works and sometimes I fail miserably. For example like today. You know the great thing though? My kids love for me never changes or diminishes. So I can fail but they still love me. Sound familiar? Oh that is right. Our Father is exactly the same way. Isn't it amazing the similarity between the love of your children and the love of your God? Their love is both so strong, ever lasting, and resilient. There are days when I am devoted to Him the whole entire day. I start with my Bible, I pray fervently, I open my heart to Him, and end the day with my Bible. Then there are days when I text, facebook, and watch TV. Yeah I suck. I am so in awe though that my kids and my God give me a clean slate everyday. I can start a new and be forgiven for what happened or didn't happen the day before. That is true and pure love and I am a blessed woman. I am just proud that I keep having the drive and desire to be better each day. So many parents and children of God think they reach a point where all can't be forgiven. They have taken so many wrong turns that one right won't make it right. Well they are wrong and they shouldn't give up. They fail themselves, their children, and their God. Please pray that I one day will get on the right path and never look back. I just can't be one of those moms that fail my kids. I pray that every little sleeping angel tonight wakes up in the morning to a mother and/or father that attempts to be better. I pray that every single person tonight wakes up in the morning with the burning fire of The Holy Spirit in their soul and a new found dedication to God. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
Psalm 119:104-106
I gain understanding from your precepts; therefore I hate every wrong path.
Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.
I have taken an oath and confirmed it, that I will follow your righteous laws.

From the voice of babes...

2009-11-16T22:54:00.002-05:00

This entry is going to be sweet and simple with the intent of making you smile. So yesterday I had to teach the 3 yr old class in church. Most of the time Phillip goes with me but I didn't have a lot of kids so I encouraged him to go to the service. Quite honestly I kind of enjoy teaching by myself so I can act like a kid without being judged. So we played, read books, colored, did a great demonstration of Jonah in a large fish, and then had snacks. At the end of the class I told the kids that we were going to play a music game. When the music was on you had to clean up as fast as possible. Each kids was designated an area to clean. If the music stopped you had to clean up super slow. Whoever cleaned their area first could join me on the rug to dance. So of we go with such enthusiastic hearts. It only took 3 quick rounds of fast clean up before I had a small gathering of bopping feet around me. Then a smart minded little boy comes tugging on my shirt.
"You know I don't think God likes it when we dance at church. You should have told us whoever cleaned up first could then pray. God would approve at that."
I being the much more wise adult was left speechless. I had to smile, giggle, and then get down on my knees to be eye level with this little genius.
"You know what? How about we all stop and pray that you finish cleaning your section and then we can dance in celebration?"
"Okay that works for me as long as God is happy."
I have no doubt that God got a huge chuckle out of that conversation. Also no matter how much praying we did "the little angel" never did clean up his section.
God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers...
Mark 10:14-16
When Jesus saw this, he was indignant.
He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them,
for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.
I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child
will never enter it."
And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them.

Your top ten list...

2009-11-15T21:52:00.004-05:00

About 6 months into my relationship with Philly I asked the unthinkable. Where do I stand in your list of priorities? Why do we girls do that to ourselves? I couldn't resist though. There just comes a time when you want to know where you rank in a guy's life. So back in the past I go...
"If you had to make a top ten list of who and/or what you love where would I be?"
A chuckle...
"Um lets see....One Saints of course. Two would have to be Clemson. Three would have to be football in general. Oh yeah you could definitely be four or five."
I am mortified, and angry, and impatient....
"Okay okay. One would be God. Two would be family and since I love you and want to marry you one day then you are second."
I fake grin then turn around in anger. I was just wanting an answer that stated I was more important than his mom. I didn't even put God in the mix but here I was suddenly jealous of God. Why would He get top billing? It ended up being one of the most important conversations I have had with Phillip. He taught me the importance of being a true Christian and not being afraid to identify who you are. He also taught me that God should be number one above anything or anyone. I know for many people that is just an impossible task. So for the past 13 years I have tried to live with that mindset. I also have put a lot of effort into making sure that my children understand that too. While I love my children in such an immeasurable way, I try to always put God before them and my husband. That is where some people will get a little perplexed. How can you love someone more than your own child? Like I said I work at it. Not that Philly gives me any reason to not love Him but it is easier to see flaws of someone over someone you actually gave birth to. However I feel it is important and vital that my kids never doubt the love and commitment Phillip and I have for each other. I don't want our children to ever think they can split a solid foundation. The real task is teaching the kids that mommy and daddy love God more than anything and they should too. Also that God loves them more than mommy and daddy. I find it so difficult to teach a 4 year and 2 year old love coming from someone they can't see and sometimes can't even imagine. We work on it though.
It wasn't until a few months ago that my theory that I have worked diligently on for the past 13 years all crumbled. I was at a Beth Moore conference and she was talking of the same conversation she had with her husband 30 years ago. His answers were of course hunting but she didn't think he was kidding! She promised to God that He would always be at the top of her list. Listening to her I thought where do we put ourselves? Well we don't. We aren't even a factor. We are just there.We just keep moving along trying to juggle all of these balls in the air making sure everyone gets the same amount of attention and handling. Yet if God is in us and He is a part of us then why do I rank Him? Isn't He just there? Isn't he just there ALWAYS? Why did I think that I am so superior that I can even put God on a ranking? God has become my life. I don't have to work at loving Him and I shouldn't list Him to make time for Him. I mean how did I think that worked? "Let's see today I will spend 3 hours with God, 2 with husband, and 1 with kids." That is just foolish because everyone knows it just can't work like that. I have allowed The Holy Spirit to take over my soul and my heart and that means He is everything in me and to me. I can't even fathom placing Him in the same realm as my earthly family. Do I devote as much time to Him? Of course not even though I should. However no one knows me better and no one hears my voice more than He. He hears my prayers and knows my feelings. God is so much more than a ranking and so much more than a "to do list".
How does your rankings play out right now? Do you have one? Do you even think about God enough or care enough about Him to wonder if He gets enough attention from you? I pray that you quickly and sincerely make Him your life. Don't hesitate and don't delay. Make our Father your life just not a part of your life. Don't be delusioned in thinking you can wait or He can wait until Heaven to give Him all of you. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
Psalm 63:2-4
I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.

Hush little baby...

2009-11-12T22:32:00.003-05:00

A sweet daily grace moment just happened and I rush to write it down so I don't forget it. Jocie usually likes being plopped into bed, covered up head to toe by her two year old tattered blankie, and then being serenaded to by "Hush little baby". Unfortunately I can only recite the first or two lines and then I make up my own mumble jumble nonsense. At this point it doesn't matter to her as long as it goes with the rhyme and music. Tonight though I just wanted to hold my peanut butter cup. After story time she crawls into my lap (with her blankie of course)and gazes at me with those beautiful blue piercing eyes. "Mommy sing me hush song and wub my hair. Pleeeease." How can I say no? I start to sing and in just one mockingbird, one diamond ring, and a gold mine {I have no clue how to sing the song} my little girl's eyes flutter and then slowly close. I held her for 30 minutes. Jocie isn't a cuddler. Heck I can't even bribe her to hug me when she wants something. I just didn't want to put this beautiful blessing down. Phillip had to pretty much pry her from my hands.
You know last night while praying I found myself in tears. AGAIN. I couldn't help but think about all of these innocent children in the world that just want to be held and simply loved. I know I have repeatedly talked about being called by God when it comes to children. It is a quiet drip that daily keeps getting stronger and flows through my whole body. I mean why else would I just randomly cry for children I don't even know? I do know that this world is consumed with fixing every problem in the world except that of unloved children. We have Congress right now having a hearing on the head injuries of NFL players. Seriously? Yet we are perfectly okay with the increasing number of abortions and the increasing news stories of missing children and the ones being brutally raped and killed. I just don't understand and at the same time I agonize over my lack of ability to do anything about it. I just keep praying fervently that God continues to speak to me and helps me accept whatever He has in store for me. I know it is going to be something amazing. I need to believe in myself and the power of The Holy Spirit in me. Anything is possible when you have faith in the Lord above. For right now I am going to pray over my children and make sure they never feel unloved or alone in this world. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
2 Thessalonians 1:11-12
With this in mind, we constantly pray for you,
that our God may count you worthy of his calling,
and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours
and every act prompted by your faith.
We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you,
and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.

Regrets...Any?

2009-11-10T20:53:00.002-05:00

How many regrets do you have? Mine are too many to list and some too embarrassing to mention. Would I change any of them though? Actually I wouldn't change a whole lot of them. I think you learn more from mistakes than successes. There are a few that I would change and they are actually ones that I find the most difficult too fix. I don't regret a bad relationship choice or losing a job. I find that when the result is someone hating me and me hating myself then yeah I wish I could change that. If you know me very well then you know I am weirdly obsessed with death. I don't fixate on what happens to me when I die. The love of God for me has sealed that fate. Rather I wonder about those who will be left behind. How will they deal with the loss of me and how will they grieve? I also wonder about the ones who might say, "Good ridden.". Oh yes there might be a few of those. You see besides my arrogance as a big flaw, I am horrible when it comes to judgement. I mean I should just be the jury and judge most of the time. I can judge people in a heartbeat and I can be very vindictive when laying down the sentence. In the past I have said some pretty harsh things and ruined some pretty amazing relationships. I have actually avoided major events in fear that someone who has received my wrath will approach me. Now you would wonder what have these people done? Some were victims of a divorce, some I felt wronged me personally in their behavior, and some were just plain victims of me thinking I was holier than them. That actually doesn't even matter. What matters is my attitude and the things I have to answer for before I can even think about walking through those pearly gates. Just this week one of my "victims" reached out to me through the wonderful world of facebook. I was shocked to see that this individual wanted to befriend me but I humbly accepted and immediately apologized to her for my actions. I mean it was 10 years ago but I have felt horrible about it ever since. She graciously accepted. Now while we may only be "Facebook friends" and heck may never talk again, at least I can let that part of me go. One regret taken care of and now only 999,999 to go! You see I want people to see and remember the best of me. I don't want to be remembered for my appearance ***chuckle****, smile, how hard I worked, or even if I was a good wife and mom. I want them to know without a doubt that God will be pleased to accept me into His glorious kingdom the minute I take my last breath. I don't want people to grieve for me. I want them to rejoice in the knowledge I am going home to my Maker. I don't want anyone left to wonder "What if?" when it comes to my salvation. We lose ourselves so easily in this crazy hectic scary world. Imagine if we recreate ourselves on a daily basis to be more Christ like. We so take for granted that every day brings a new chance to say "Do over" and start again. Recognize your flaws and adjust your attitudes. Instead of judgement mix in a large dose of forgiveness and acceptance in your life. I would have to scrape myself off of the floor if God yelled and disgraced me every time I wrongly did something. Thankfully we have a loving Father who would rather forgive our sins so He can focus on us as His children. Do you need to say your sorry? Is their someone out there who has been in your thoughts and in your heart. Reach out to them before it is too late. You don't have to reestablish a relationship but what a burden off of your heart to let something troubling you become free. Release the weight and ease the pain. Learn from lessons and become like new every single day. God Bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
2 Corinthians 7:9-11
yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry,
but because your sorrow led you to repentance.
For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us.
Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret,
but worldly sorrow brings death.
See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness,
what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done.
At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter.

The simple things...

2009-11-05T21:46:00.003-05:00

17 hours of my 24 hour day is filled with craziness. At this point in my life it seems the days are rapidly running into each other and I can't keep up with one day to the next. My kids are growing up faster than I can blink and I can't believe how old I am getting. Yes it is quite madness. Then there are days like today. A day filled with no plans, no commitments, and no agenda. I love my very rare simple days. For the first time in two weeks the kids and I were able to enjoy the sun, the breeze, the fresh air, and freedom from sickness. The best part of the day was this......

Bubbles.......Bubbles.......Bubbles.....Bubbles.....and more bubbles......

Watching my sweet baby girl concentrating on the difficult task of blowing bubbles made me smile and take a deep breath. Nothing else in the world matters right at this moment. Nothing else trumps what I am witnessing. I am seeing my daughter do exactly as I should. Focus only on the moment at hand. You know kids don't dwell on the past or the next day. They don't tie themselves with anxiety or stress about cleaning their room by a deadline. Okay so I know that they don't have the worries that we do but they still have to take everything in and deal with their emotions. Yet for a child it happens then it is done. Why can't we be that way? Why can't I be that way? Jesus teaches us how to live through the lives of a child. Simplicity on a day to day basis. So my dear friends go blow some bubbles. Let everything slide off of you and every fear wash away. Enjoy the simple things of life whether it be catch a rainbow, watching the stars, or spending a day outside with your children blowing bubbles. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.

Luke 10:21

At that time Jesus, full of joy through the Holy Spirit,

said, "I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children.

Yes, Father, for this was your good pleasure."

How long til you let it go?

2009-11-03T21:49:00.005-05:00

So the past few weeks have been pretty stressful. Our dear Jocelyn has been, sorry was, sick the past few weeks. Praise to God for everyone who has helped pray her back to a healthy and happy recovery. It appears she had the flu that then turned to pneumonia before we could even blink. It also didn't help that things at work weren't too great either. Well let me take that back. Things at work were great until Friday evening. If you have been a faithful follower you know that I lost a job over a year ago. It was a bad experience but I learned quite a lot because of it so I am not regretful. I learned that my humility needed to be in check. So with this job I have tried very carefully to keep my ego pretty much tied up and not let loose. Now without being conceited I honestly have to admit that I have done a pretty good job. I try to make sure that all my I's are dotted and T's are crossed. Over the past few weeks some things have gone in between the cracks but every instance was when I was not there. So you would think these "mistakes" would be blamed on the actual people responsible. Well I assumed that until Friday evening. I was confronted by my manager about this and she felt they were things that should have been under my control whether it be through proper training of staff or just being a better manager. Now she wasn't mean and it didn't result in anything that warranted me getting in trouble but it was an uncomfortable conversation. Needless to say I was not happy when I got home. I think I moaned and groaned to Phillip for three hours about it. I had to check and recheck my ego about a thousand times. So on Sunday morning at the crack of dawn after two sleepless nights I was left with a nagging question. What now????? So I thought do I check face book or read the Bible? Probably 8 times out of 10 I would have chosen face book but the Holy Spirit called to me and I picked up my dusty Bible. I read most of Acts. Now I didn't get a huge insight or an "Aha" moment but I did learn a lot and was able to focus more on the history of Peter and John. I also focused for the first time about Stephen. Stephen is described in Acts 6:8 as "a man full of God's grace and power, did great wonders and miraculous signs among the people." In Acts 7 Stephen addressed the Sanhedrin after being falsely accused or blasphemy against Moses and God. Stephen pretty much recited all of the biggest events in the bible in a few short verses just to prove a simple point. Every great man of God was persecuted by small men who claimed to be first in line to receive God's word and truth. Stephen was stoned in the end but his words live on.
Now what does this have to do with my dilemma you ask? Absolutely nothing but it did get my mind off of my pointless problems. I can't take the views of somebody else with me for the rest of my life. I can only start a new day trying my hardest to prove my worth to myself and to God. Now I will definitely work harder, keep a positive attitude, and try to avoid another uncomfortable conversation. I won't keep bad feelings festering inside and I won't try to bring the world down with me. Taking in God was the best thing to let all the bad stuff go. There just isn't room for everything inside of me. I choose to let the light of God in and let the darkness of anger and hurt out.
How long does it take you to let something go? A few hours, a day, until you talk to someone, or does it never really leave? Does it just cling on to all the other yucky parts until before you know it you have a clogged heart? Give it God. This is what He wants. He wants to be that person whom you talk to first when you need someone. Thank you God for giving me words to learn and live by. Words that lift me up and keep me motivated. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers...
Acts 4:12
Salvation is found in no one else,
for there is no other name under heaven
given to men by which we must be saved."

The prayer of a child.

2009-10-25T21:24:00.002-04:00

So Nickolas is in prime time football loving mode. He is the spitting image of his daddy. If there were enough football teams to be televised for 24 hrs. a day my son would never sleep. At first his eyes could only focus on a mesh of colors and players. Now he is watching the ball, every tackle, and every player getting slammed into the ground.
"Wow mommy do you think that hurt?"
"Oh buddy I could not even imagine how bad that felt."
Every now and then you witness the tragic event of the player getting knocked out on the ground and not getting back up.
"Mommy is he going to heaven?"
Now I have to think very carefully about how to answer this. I don't want to respond too quickly and say "No." Of course I hope this young man goes to heaven but I pray that it isn't his time yet to be called into God's kingdom. So after a little bit of hesitation I just tell Nickolas that I can't answer that. Only God knows if he is going to wake up, get up, go to the doctor, or go to Heaven yet we can help God by praying to him. Since it was bed time we went to bed and immediately played for our football player in the red helmet.
"Dear Jesus. Please take care of the football player in the red helmet. May you keep him happy, healthy, and safe. May he play football in heaven if you let him."
It was too cute for my own ears. Nickolas woke up the next morning and immediately asked about the football player. It was nice to tell him that his prayers helped and that the football player would be playing again next week. Nickolas just jumped up and down screaming, "Oh yeah. Oh yeah." While I would like to think it was because he was extremely happy about the recovery of this player I have a sneaking suspicion that it was about just getting to watch more football next week.
This week our darling little Jocie has been very sick. Just like Nickolas' eyes are becoming more fixed on each play of the game he is also becoming more observant of individual people. He knew that Jocie was not in her typical devilish mood and you could see real concern in his eyes. After a day of her laying on the couch all day with no movement and no words Nickolas ran straight to me and asked if I would lay with him in his bed.
"Okay bud. You ready for a nap or something?"
"No just come on please."
We jumped in the bed and he wraps those arms around me and whispers in my ear.
"Let's pray for Jocie."
"Okay", I respond back in the same whisper.
"Dear Jesus please take care of Jocie. Keep her happy, healthy, and safe but please don't let her go to Heaven yet."
Tear...
I want my children to become prayer warriors even at a young age. I know a time will come when a prayer won't be answered and a heart will be broken. I am ready to deal with that when it happens but for right now I want them to see every action as an answered prayer from God. I hope that you also are prayer warriors. That you lift every hope and desire to God and give Him the chance to deliver the miracles in your life that He so lovingly has for you. We are teachers for our children and they become what they witness. God bless to all of my faithful followers and friends.
2 Corinthians 9:13-15
Because of the service by which you have proved yourselves,
men will praise God for the obedience that accompanies your confession of the gospel of Christ, and for your generosity in sharing with them and with everyone else.
And in their prayers for you their hearts will go out to you,
because of the surpassing grace God has given you.
Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!

Complete Committent

2009-10-06T23:45:00.003-04:00

Well in less than two weeks I am going to be blessed to celebrate my ten year anniversary with the love of my life. I am so excited. Quite frankly a few years ago I would be stoked for completely different reasons. I would be anticipating some big expensive bling and expecting to go to some expensive resort while being pampered by my husband. So not the case now. Now my excitement comes from the hope of at least having one night alone with my husband and one other thing. We have completed ten years of successful commitment to each other. How truly blessed by God are we? I know people either don't believe me or think I am over exaggerating when I say it gets better each day but it gets better every day. After church I was reminded about something our pastor said and I looked to Philly and said, "Thank you for being faithful to me." I think he thought I was being sarcastic but I was dead serious. How many times do we insult or degrade our spouse when we think they are doing something wrong or looking at somebody that walks by? I find it funny that in most relationships we choose to list the faults instead of the accomplishments. I just don't want to be one of those couples. I could make a list of all the things that I think make us a good couple; humor, honesty, communication, and crazy in-laws. Ha! However the closer I become to the Trinity the more I feel it is working a 110% on our commitment to each other. No earthly thing comes between us and that includes our kids. Not only are we committed by our faithfulness to each other but also by our faithfulness to God. Our relationship with our Father becomes the learning book to every other relationship we have. Not only that but I look at how the Trinity works. While we know they are One; we also know they are three. God, Jesus, and The Holy Spirit must maintain a perfect symmetry with each other. Not One outshines the other. All three are designed to be of perfect equation with the other. It is actually quite beautiful if you think about it and also quite inspiring. What would happen if Jesus went to The Holy Spirit and said, "You know I just don't understand what God was thinking today?" Yeah that would never happen. Rather their perfect union allows them to know each other's actions before it is done and then they all do it together. Never will Phillip and I be that united but there is hope. I hope each and every new day is just like today. A perfect balance of true commitment and self happiness while one doesn't outshine the other. I also pray that every tomorrow continues to bring us closer to each other and individually to our Father. I hope we both stay committed to this earthly union being a rare success while individually working to commit to God and working on our Heavenly home. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
Acts 2:32-34
God has raised this Jesus to life, and we are all witnesses of the fact.
Exalted to the right hand of God, he has received from the Father the promised Holy Spirit
and has poured out what you now see and hear.
For David did not ascend to heaven, and yet he said,
" 'The Lord said to my Lord:"Sit at my right hand

A bonding connection...

2009-10-04T22:08:00.003-04:00

There has never been any doubt that Philly and Nickolas are best daddy/son friends. Yet since Nickolas' 4th birthday two weeks ago that bonding has reached an all new intimate level. I only need to use one word to describe the reasoning behind it; FOOTBALL! Nickolas has always liked watching football with his father but now that he can actually keep his eyes on the ball he has a new passion for it. I understand that Phillip was a football fanatic from a young age too. He was making charts for the football season by the age of 7. Well little Nickolas won't be too far behind him. He now has an official Clemson football room but his real love is the NFL. He has a poster in his room with all of the helmets from each team. He knows each team by helmet and where they play. For his birthday he requested only one thing. Okay actually 5 things. He wanted jerseys from his favorite NFL teams. We also surprised him with a football helmet which doesn't leave his head. The family packs up and heads to the park every Thursday night to watch some older boys have football practise. Here is our 4 yr. old patiently sitting on the sideline with his helmet on just watching all of the plays. In our living room he had placed pillows on the floor as replacements for actual defensive players and then runs routes pass them. This happens EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! Oh yes daddy is so happy. I see this enormous smile and this gleam in his eyes every time his son runs by him barreling into the couch yelling "Touch Down".
Now of course this isn't the only reason Phillip loves Nickolas. Of course not. Yet the fact that they now share this intense passion for something has definitely created a new bonding between them. It is something that I hope never goes away. I pray that it evolves into sharing the same passions about everything in life and not only football. I want this small new connection to turn into an open door that will allow for many conversations about anything and everything.
I have no doubt that God likes football. I also assume that God loves a little golf and of course fishing. I believe He smiles when we do something that we find pleasure in and He can't wait until we can do them together. There is one recreation though that will instantly bond you to God. Prayer my friends. That is when He gets that big smile and gleam in His eyes. Prayer instantly opens the door between you and God. You are able to share everything on your mind and in your heart. Things that He knows already exists but wants you to release them to Him. I can't wait for the day when I become committed enough that my prayers turn into a daily conversation instead of a daily routine. I let myself fail Him and me when I look at it as a chore instead of a pleasure. This is the one thing I am trying to work on very diligently right now. Enjoying conversation with my God is better than any football game. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
James 5:15-16
And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well;
Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven.
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

How many times until you have your perfect picture?

2009-09-24T22:22:00.002-04:00

One of the most annoying things to my family is probably how many flashes are cast in front of them a day. I try to be a picture fanatic. It is easy with the kids because in my eyes every picture is perfect of them. So there I go. Click, click, click. However not so easy when it comes to a picture I am in. Click, then look, then delete, and then try again. I am sure Phillip gets so annoyed. I would like to think that it doesn't have anything to do with vanity but unfortunately it does. When I see a picture of myself I immediately wonder what will the next person seeing it think? I guess that is the reason for a hundred pictures until I like one that I feel comfortable sharing. When I am posing with my kids I always see myself as happy and my smile is so big. When it is with Phillip, I see a woman who is goofy smiling from ear to ear. Then when it is just me I see way too much. I see a woman who doesn't look anything like she did 10 years ago. I see a woman who doesn't deserve all that she has. I see a woman who wants someone else to be in that picture with her because she doesn't like being alone. I can honestly say that out of all the pictures shot of me this year that there may be 3 at the most that I can be okay with. Isn't that sad? Then I think about God and I wonder. What does His photo album of me look like? When do I look perfect for Him? Does He see the same vanities and insecurities that I see? Well of course not. Every picture is priceless to Him. He loves the ones with me and the kids. He laughs hysterically at the ones when I am alone in the car singing my praises sounding like a hyena. He has framed the ones of me in my bedroom teary eyed as I pray to Him. Oh yeah He loves those. The one thing I would bet is that in every picture of my life God has super imposed Himself in each and every one. I would be amazed to see the pictures of my kids and I on the beach and in the far left God has His arm around Nickolas. Then I have a picture of Phillip running on the beach with the kids following Him. How amazing is that picture going to look with Jesus running right along side Jocie?

I can't wait to see all of my wedding moments with my Father holding both mine and Phillip's hand as He joins us in perfect unity. I guess in the end all that matters is that God finds perfection in me every time He sees me. That is increasingly hard to grasp at times but I know it is so true. See I am not perfect in any way but His love for me is perfect. If He dwells within in me and I allow the Spirit to shine in me then I am nothing but perfect to Him. I delight in knowing that my God never looks at the snapshot and thinks to Himself, "Wow I need to take another one. That moment isn't worth keeping." Every moment living in God's love is priceless and never worthy of deleting. Even if it is a photo of sadness or anger, I know that God values it because He is in it with me. How I only hope that He has copies to give me of every single one so I will never forget. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.

Psalm 89:14-16

Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne;

love and faithfulness go before you.
Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you,

who walk in the light of your presence, O LORD.
They rejoice in your name all day long; they exult in your righteousness.

My Loves...

2009-09-17T23:45:00.006-04:00

The original purpose of this blog was to document the wonderful things I experience as a mom when I see my children do amazing things. Sometimes or rather many times I get far away from that. I have been grateful to be able to express my innermost feelings and to feel completely comfortable doing it to such wonderful people. Today though I just want to focus on my kids and the perfection that they are. It is sad that sometimes as parents we easily forget that because our minds are too focused on other things. Our family vacation was a great time for me to breathe and reconnect with two of my greatest loves.

Nickolas and I (best buds) had a blast. He decided to be best friends with his dad a lot this time. I can't blame him as his father is a faster runner than me and can throw a mean spiral. However every morning at sunrise Nickolas saved that time slot for me. He would creep into my room and wake me up before the moon could even lie down. We would walk along the shore hand in hand with our toes grazing the coolness of the ocean. We would pick random shells and talk about our dreams from the night before. I would always bend down to my knees and kiss my son's face and say "Until we meet in Heaven this is my favorite place." I was never able to not shed a tear at the perfection of his face and the depth of his love for me.

Jocie fully blossomed into the rose that I knew she was just within that one week. The first day was her desiring only to be held because the vastness of that ocean was too much for her to understand. The last day was filled with her running complete high speed into those waves while squealing the most sweetest and delicious laugh my ears have ever heard. During the rest of the time we had our mud birthday cakes. My prissy dainty princess was hands and knee deep in beach mud all day long. "Mummy sit by me. I make you birthday cake then you make me birthday cake." She would then fill her little pink pail rim high with sand and water while singing me Happy Birthday. Then it was my turn. Then back and back again. One time she stopped halfway, batted those pretty blues, giggled, and said, "Mummy we princesses have so much fun together. I am so happy." I then grabbed her face and with a kiss on that button nose said, "Until we meet in Heaven this is my favorite place." I was unable to not shed a tear at the perfection of her face and the depth of her love for me.

To think that my Father loves me as much as I love those two children is almost too much to fathom. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.

Simplicity

2009-09-16T21:59:00.005-04:00

"Yet if you devote your heart to him and stretch out your hands to him,
if you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent,
then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm and without fear.
You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by.
Life will be brighter than noonday, and darkness will become like morning.
You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety.
You will lie down, with no one to make you afraid, and many will court your favor.

I am no biblical scholar. In fact I am a newbie when it comes to the Bible. To be a true woman of God I know that I must know the word of God. Yet one of my biggest flaws is besides the Lord's Prayer I can't recite one single verse. Pathetic I know. So for awhile I have been searching the Bible for a "favorite" verse to learn first thinking that it would help inspire me to learn more. Oh dear naive me. Excuses excuses excuses. Anything to not have to dedicate 110% of my time to God.
During our family vacation last week I decided to study the Book of Job. I loved this story of a faithful and righteous man who never denied God even after having everything ripped from him. I also adore the fact that after everything crumbles, Job has three friends constantly encouraging him and lifting him up to God's endless love. It was among the love of these friends that I effortlessly found my most loved verse in the Bible up to this point. Job 11:13-19. I wept when I read it. I was on a deserted sandy beach on a chilly morning wrapped in a blanket suddenly warmed by the Spirit of God. This passage can most easily be described as simple. See that is how life should be. We shouldn't have all the drama that we create for ourselves. Most of the heartache comes from our own actions. I know that we can't prevent sickness, death, or loss but we can enjoy life and we can love God. It is so simple. Give Him all of you and He gives you everything. There is no shame and there is no denial.
I have always been a strong advocate that you can never truly love someone or have a successful relationship with anybody until you truly love yourself first. I feel like this verse coincides with that viewpoint of mine. Once you accept God's complete and utter love for you then you become your true self. A person is truly content when they are in the light of God's everlasting desire to shower you with love and mercy. You wake up happy every day because every day now has a purpose. It becomes hard to dwell on the burdens of life because He already took the worry and grief away before you opened one eye. No one can take away this never ending love from you. They can't rip it away or steal it away like they do their own. You become secure, you become hopeful, you become you. It is that simple.
So I now have a verse I am trying to memorize. Then I will try another and another. However even if I fail at remembering these very words, I know that I shall never forget in my Redeemer. It is that simple.
God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers. Oh how I have missed you.

Job 11:13-19
"Yet if you devote your heart to him and stretch out your hands to him,
if you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent,
then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm and without fear.
You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by.
Life will be brighter than noonday, and darkness will become like morning.
You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety.
You will lie down, with no one to make you afraid, and many will court your favor.

Buried feelings are just covered not dead.

2009-09-02T23:11:00.003-04:00

So after an amazing weekend something completely weird happened Sunday night. It completely rattled me and it has taken a few days for me to get my emotions in check. In the middle of the night Sunday night Phillip had a terrible nightmare. I assume it was terrible because he literally jumped 3 feet out of the bed hunches over in an attack stance at the foot of the bed. Of course I wake up wondering what the heck is going on? I can see he is still asleep and he is demanding that someone leave him alone. I start screaming his name so he will wake up but instead I suddenly notice that he is coming towards me as if I am now in his dream. Now let me tell you that it is of course dark and Phillip and I are both blind as bats. We both misconstrue the next minute of what happens. Me yelling at him wakes him up in his mind but to me it seems he is now coming towards me as if I am his attacker. I FREAK OUT!!!!!! I start screaming at the top of my lungs, "Please don't come over here! Please please don't hurt me!" I say that twice and by that time Philly is on his knees by my side. In an instant my calming him has turned into him comforting me. "Baby I am right here. I am not going to hurt you. I am sorry I had a bad dream." At first I was okay. I mean I immediately wanted to make sure he was okay. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I FREAKED OUT!!! We had both laid our heads down on our pillows and holding hands and I just raised up and bawled like a little girl. Exactly like the little girl who use to bawl her eyes out every night when she knew her step dad was about to come in her room. I couldn't stop it. I was frightened by such an innocent event. I actually feel worse for Phillip because he never saw me like that and all of a sudden here is his strong wife crumbling in front of him. I had to leave the room and fell to my knees before I could make it to the couch. I was rocking back and forth. I was in complete anxiety attack mode. My eyes never closed again that night. Let me just say before I go on that this has nothing to do with me being scared of my husband. He has and will never lay a hand on me. I am not frightened of him. In fact he is the first man in my life that I knew would never harm me emotionally or physically. This was not about him. This was about me. I just feel so bad for Phillip because for the next few days I could tell it was wearing a toll on him. He felt guilty for creating those sudden emotions in me. So I had to convince him that he didn't create it and apparently they weren't sudden. Now the anger started to settle in. See I took great pride in the fact that I was someone who came from horrible circumstances and turned out pretty amazing. I have given my life to God, I have forgiven my stepfather, and I have not created the same pattern of abuse with my kids. So why in an instant did I go back to being that little girl? I thought those feelings of fear were dead? Yet here I am for the next two nights unable to sleep because I am having horrible nightmares and memories. Angry just isn't even a good enough word and boy did I release it on God? "Why would you bring this back? You promised me a better life if I believed. Yes my life is better but how can you bring me to my knees when I have been so faithful to you? It isn't fair!!!!" (That is putting it mildly.) I only got one response. "Don't forget that who you are know is because of who you were then."
So I am on my knees again...This time I am humbly on my knees thanking my God for His promises that are faithful and true. You see in those darkest hours of fear and despair that is where I found my God. I did not read about Him and no one spoke of Him to me. I felt Him. He wrapped me with Angel's wings and secured me with His power and mercy. I immediately knew my God in an instant because I was safe in my soul. His promise was a better life and He did deliver. The past two weeks I have went to sleep too lazy to pray. I have woken up too late to take in God's word. I have chose to Facebook over THE BOOK. I don't think God was behind what happened the other night but He was quickly there to help me up and take the pain away. (Once again.) I should not take pride in overcoming some difficult circumstances. I should rather give God the glory for allowing me to go through a difficult situation so His will could be done and my destiny be sealed. How dare I try to forget what happened because that is me forgetting God's mercy and deliverance for me. Praise be to my Father for His unwavering love and steady hand. Just because I covered all of those feelings up with fluff and whip cream doesn't make them taste any sweeter. They are bitter and hard core sad feelings that I should not bury. It is denying my testimony to God's righteousness. Thank you Jesus for dying on the cross to give me eternal life. Thank you Jesus for renewing my spirit and giving me a new life when I was 17. Thank you Jesus for giving me the courage to speak of my past so I can share my experience of your unending love. Thank you Jesus for reminding me where I came from so I can celebrate where I am now and fervently wait for where I will be in the end. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
Psalm 71:1-3
In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame.
Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness; turn your ear to me and save me.
Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go;
give the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress.

Still here.

2009-08-31T23:03:00.002-04:00

Oh my dear friends I am still here. I pray all of you are doing well and being safely guarded by the grace of God. I am still recovering my soul from a wonderful event this past weekend. Our great church just hosted a simulcast of Beth Moore's latest event. It was jam packed and my tears are still trying to dry. I still want to wait a few days to talk about it for several reasons. One being I don't want to steal the thoughts of someone else's words. It is way too easy to get wrapped up in what she talks about that I could easily migrate her teachings into my blog and I don't want to do that. Secondly; I need to absorb what I have learned. I don't just need to pass it on without truly understanding and believing what I have found out about myself, my friends, and my God. Thirdly; I am in a really fragile emotional state right now. Something completely innocent happened last night but it took a completely different toll for me. I will gladly share later but I need to kind of search within and see why some feelings that I thought I had long controlled came barreling out of me like a bullet from a shot gun. I am just very confused and honestly angry right now. Yet I didn't want to go any longer without reaching out to you all this evening. I do want to jot down the Psalm that we spent all weekend focusing on at the women's conference. May you read it intently and may your heart be opened up to the possibility that God's Word always delivers. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
Psalm 37
Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong;
for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away.
Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.
For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.
A little while, and the wicked will be no more; though you look for them, they will not be found.
But the meek will inherit the land and enjoy great peace.
The wicked plot against the righteous and gnash their teeth at them;
but the Lord laughs at the wicked, for he knows their day is coming.
The wicked draw the sword and bend the bow to bring down the poor and needy,
to slay those whose ways are upright.
But their swords will pierce their own hearts, and their bows will be broken.
Better the little that the righteous have than the wealth of many wicked;
for the power of the wicked will be broken, but the LORD upholds the righteous.
The days of the blameless are known to the LORD, and their inheritance will endure forever.
In times of disaster they will not wither; in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.
But the wicked will perish: The LORD's enemies will be like the beauty of the fields,
they will vanish—vanish like smoke.
The wicked borrow and do not repay, but the righteous give generously;
those the LORD blesses will inherit the land, but those he curses will be cut off.
If the LORD delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm;
though he stumble, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with his hand.
I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread.
They are always generous and lend freely; their children will be blessed.
Turn from evil and do good; then you will dwell in the land forever.
For the LORD loves the just and will not forsake his faithful ones.
They will be protected forever, but the offspring of the wicked will be cut off;
the righteous will inherit the land and dwell in it forever.
The mouth of the righteous man utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks what is just.
The law of his God is in his heart; his feet do not slip.
The wicked lie in wait for the righteous, seeking their very lives;
but the LORD will not leave them in their power or let them be condemned when brought to trial.
Wait for the LORD and keep his way.
He will exalt you to inherit the land; when the wicked are cut off, you will see it.
I have seen a wicked and ruthless man flourishing like a green tree in its native soil,
but he soon passed away and was no more; though I looked for him, he could not be found.
Consider the blameless, observe the upright; there is a future for the man of peace.
But all sinners will be destroyed; the future of the wicked will be cut off.
The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD;
he is their stronghold in time of trouble.
The LORD helps them and delivers them;
he delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they take refuge in him.

Waiting with bated breath.

2009-08-24T22:49:00.004-04:00

So little Mr. Nickolas is a Mr. Routine guy. Nothing ever surprises us with him. Wake up at 7:15, eat a pop tart at 8:00, go running to the potty at 8:02, and so the day goes. Little Miss. Jocie is quite the contrary. She does nothing by routine except that this girl loves to sleep. Sometimes I am in a panic in the middle of the night if I don't hear her at least make a sound from her room. Then I have to check on her in the mornings if by 9:00 she still hasn't called my name. She just is a quiet sleeper and the quiet is the most alarming sound to me. So on Sunday I wake up on my schedule at 7:10 because I know in five minutes my little man is going to saunter into my room and squeeze himself between me and his daddy. Sure enough I hear the door creak open and only a few seconds later I have been pushed to the very edge of the bed. Lucky for all of us he felt like falling back to sleep. My next moment of awareness is 9:30 when I open my eyes suddenly and realize I haven't heard Jocie yet. I wait a few minutes and just gaze at this precious boy beside me being tightly held captive by his daddy's arms in a snuggly hug. Then I hear the words wafting through the monitor. "Mommy........" My heart skips a beat. Then something happens. I mean this feeling just stretches through out my whole body. It is as if my heart beats for the first time and it is so powerful that it extends to every fiber in my body. Just a simple feeling of pure happiness. It almost takes my breath away and I am left wondering if this feeling will ever fade. You feel it the first time you hear the cry of your newborn child. I felt it when they would reach out their hands to touch my face for the first time. You sense is when they take their first step or share that first smile. I feel it every day when I see or hear my kids for the first time in the morning. I am left to wonder if it ever ends? Does that sensation of pure love ever fade over time? Gosh I hope not. I hope it still moves through me when they call me up in the middle of the day to tell me something. I want it to be there when I hear them say "I do" to their soul mates. I want to feel it when I hold my grandchildren for the first time. I don't know if people feel it for other relationships. It isn't like your heart skips a beat when you fall in love. Actually you wait for it with bated breath. It is only something that happens when it involves your children. It is the exact moment when worry, doubt, concern all fade behind the knowledge that at that very moment your kids are okay. They are are happy, healthy, and safe. You hear it in their voices and see it in their eyes. God has given us so many wonderful things here on Earth. Sometimes I think my most favorite gifts from Him are our emotions. He wouldn't bestow a feeling on us that He hasn't already had. What wonderful trinkets are happiness, love, peace, and adoration. I can only imagine how what I feel when I hear my child's voice is multiplied a thousand times in God's heart when He hears mine. How amazing it must be to Him when He waits all day just to hear, "Dear Jesus." Some people are on a schedule and He knows when to expect it and then there are ones who are like me that never worship Him routinely like we should. Yet I know when He hears my pleas and my adorations that He can finally breath out a sigh of relief and take in all the happiness that comes from me needing and loving Him. Think about if you had to go an hour, a day, a week, or even a year without hearing your child's voice. Why do we let our Father suffer through that kind of agony? No matter what you have to say or if you really dont know what to say, just please say His name. Let your Father wrap you up in His eternal love and grace. Give Him a gift in return of complete repentance and total sacrifice. He shall wrap you up in His shield of mercy and love. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
Psalm 91:14-16
"Because he loves me," says the LORD,
"I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."

The Light From The Darkness.

2009-08-16T22:21:00.002-04:00

I came across this devotional and it spoke very dearly to me. May it speak to you also.

"I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." - Isaiah 45:3

"I have never been in this place before. It is new ground for me, and I find I am way out of my comfort zone. I am scared to death to trust Him at this level. I had to confess to the Lord I have not been able to accept or believe His love for me in this area." Those were the words I expressed to a friend when I was in a difficult place in my life. That day when I confessed those words, God led me to this passage of Scripture.

What we perceive as dark periods in our lives are designed to be treasures from God. They are actually riches stored in secret places. We cannot see those times in this light because of the often-accompanying pain or fear that prevents us from accepting these times as treasures. They have a particular purpose from God's viewpoint: "...so that you may know that I am the Lord...who summons you by name."

You see, unless we are cast into times in which we are completely at God's mercy for breakthroughs in our lives, we will never experience God's faithfulness in those areas. We will never know how personal He is, or that He can be trusted to meet the deepest needs in our lives. God wants each of us to know that we are "summoned by name." Every hair of our head is numbered. He knows every activity we are involved in. His love for you and me knows no bounds, and He will take every opportunity to demonstrate this to us.

There has never been a time when I have wished my life any differently. For if not for the pain and suffering of my youth then I would not know the light of my life right now. I do not exist without the existence of my God. He is eternal, Holy, and mine. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.

Amazed..

2009-08-15T23:55:00.005-04:00

Oh my dear loved ones. At this very moment I am drenched in tears. They are tears of happiness, awe, and amazement. Day 15 has arrived for my friend, his family, and his two year old son, Eli, diagnosed with Lukemia two weeks ago. This is a journal entry of his posted in his Caring Bridge website. I hope he doesn't hate me for copying without permission but it sounds like to me his mind is focused on other things at the moment. Please read and see the glory of God at work through a two year old's life.

" John 11:14
“Did I not tell you that if you believed, you
would see the glory of God?”

We have seen the glory of God and
believe that Eli will walk away from ALL without the smell of smoke and without
a singed hair.

Henry’s has a set bedtime
routine:
1) Play the Wii with the family (his favorites:
Wii Play (People and watch daddy play tank for a world record), Wii Fit (Ski
Jump), and Mario Cart
2) Brush teeth and
potty
3) Count to 10 while mama or daddy hides in his
room (he gives direction: not behind the door or in the bed, and no
shadows)
4) Bible story, story from our MIND (anything
goes), and ABC prayer

Henry’s favorite story is Shadrach, Meshach,
and Abed-Nego – The Fiery Furnace. While Anne and I transported Eli to
Charlotte the day of diagnosis, Henry requested his favorite bible story before
bed from our friend. Here is how the story goes:

“In Daniel 3, King Nebuchadnezzar sent out a word to ALL of those who ruled under him to gather to dedicate a special golden image he had created. A decree when out to every governor, judge, and high ranking official serving within his kingdom,
that at the sound of music, everyone would have to bow and worship the image he
had created. EVERYONE.The penalty for anyone who did not bow was death, courtesy of a fiery furnace, not exactly the most pleasant of executions. So when the
music was cued, every governor, judge, and high ranking official that was called
to gather bowed before the image. Except for three. Shadrach, Meshach, and
Abed-Nego refused to bow, but to rather stand on FAITH against the king. The
penalty of their actions caused them to be thrown into the fiery furnace. Yet to
the surprise of the king and all who gathered around to see them executed,
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego were not being consumed by the fire. In fact,
they were joined by another person: an angel!”

When the boys came out they were inspected by Nebuchadnezzar and his men; not a hair was singed and there was no smell of smoke. Daniel's three friends refused to bow down to Nebuchadnezzar's image of gold, even though the penalty was death in a fiery furnace. But before this ultimate test of their loyalty to God, they had already
passed smaller tests. Their refusal to eat the king's food during their training
period had resulted in God's blessing and protection. Now in this greater test
they remained faithful saying, "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the
God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O
king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not
serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."
(3:17–18)

This transition has been difficult for Henry. He
asks questions like, “Why does Eli not want to play with me?” and “Why is the
cancer winning?”

Please pray that Anne and I will be proficient at
processing and distilling what we learn and communicate effectively to Henry and
Eli. “He who is faithful in what is least is faithful also in much.” (Luke
16:10) Please also pray for us to teach Henry and Eli that little matters of
obedience are very important. Then when the bigger tests of faithfulness and
loyalty come along, they will be prepared.
The results we received yesterday
(no cancer in the bone marrow) checked the second of three boxes for Eli to
receive the best prognosis for ALL - 90-95%. The last box to be checked is
MRD (Minimal Residual Disease) on Day 29 (Thursday Aug 27th). Please
pray that Day 29 results are <.1%.Forget what you know about adult cancer (as Dr. O told us) because childhood cancer can be cured. In the 60's, patients with ALL lived only a few months. In '01, 75% of patients were cured. Here are some specific results everyone was praying for:
1) Initial
prognosis to be good:- Children ages 1 to 9 do better than infants and older
children (Eli is 2 and change)- Children with WBC (White Blood Count)
lower than 50k have better prognosis than those with higher counts (Eli had
33k)- Children with ALL Pre-B cell fair better than T-cell (Eli is ALL Pre-B
cell)
2) Induction (first 28 days) results in rapid response and remission-
Children with extra copies of chromosome 4, 10, and 17 have an especially
favorable prognosis (Eli has those three extra chromosomes)-
3)Children with <5%>
Yet to come: On day 29, they will measure the amount of leukemia
remaining in the marrow biochemically (1000 times more sensitive than looking at
the marrow with a microscope.All of the above information is used by our team of
6 physicians to determine what treatment is best for Eli. Hitting the MRD
# will put Eli at low risk of relapse thus needing fewer and less toxic drugs
than those at a higher risk for relapse.
If you want more info about ALL,
a friend recommended an excellent book and easy read: Nancy Keene's book
"Childhood Leukemia: A guide for families, friends & caregivers."
We are celebrating this weekend knowing that God is who HE says HE is and HE can do what HE says HE can do. One of my co-workers emailed this verse just
before Thursday's procedure:
Hebrews 11:1 "Faith is being sure of what we
hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Not a smell of smoke
Not a singed hair
Believe..... "
I am amazed. Not surprised but simply amazed once again by the grace of our God. His plan for this little child has only begun and yet he has already been a witness to the miracles of God. Thank you for your prayers. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.

Do you count your blessings?

2009-08-13T22:18:00.002-04:00

Two weeks ago I found out a dear old friend has had a traumatic event in his life. His two year old son has been diagnosed with Leukemia. For a mom this is the most worrisome event in her mind. Sometimes I think mothers worry more about their kids health and safety in the future more than counting their blessings right now. He and his wife have been helping keep family and friends informed by using Caring Bridge which is a great utility. They post pictures of their boy and enter journal updates on his day to day activities. I have been obsessed with reading them. I have been praying fervently for his continued improvement. It is exactly what I would want my friends, family, and strangers to do for me. So far the prognosis keeps getting better and better. Day one seemed like a day of confusion and disbelief leading to a day two of worry and fear. They are now at Day 15. Today is the most important day because the doctor's will test to see the count of cancer cells in the bone marrow. Every journal entry ends in "Please pray for Day 15." They will know official results on Monday. While I am unselfishly praying for his health and his parent's strength; I am also praying selfishly for my children. Now I don't think there is anything wrong in that. Prayer is never a bad thing and I believe if I pray for something with enough conviction then God will know I am serious about that. However along with the prayer comes the sense of dread and worry. The inevitable, "What if?" pops into your head and it just won't leave. Do we ever really count our blessings? I know we give thanks to our God every night because of the "good" in our life at that moment. Do we enjoy the sound of happiness though? Do we sit back, relax, and take a deep breath while we inhale all the goodness around us? I do not! Why not? I should. Grateful all the time should be my motto. I have two children that have been blessed to me by my Father. Two healthy and for the most part happy children in my life. (Not so happy when they have to clean their toys.) A marriage that has NEVER been tempted by the devil or tested by our lack of faith in each other. Yet the only time I honor these wonderful things is in my repetitive nightly prayer to my father when I say, "Thanks again", in a lack luster tone. Not too convincing.
Last night I put Nickolas to bed and he was in one of his comedic moods. He tells the most ridiculous jokes that cracks only himself up. At first it was cute and now you just want him to say one good joke that makes sense. After the fourth joke {Why did the cow jump over the house? To get a flashlight} I was ready to call it a night. I tuck him in and then head to my room. Do you know for 30 minutes my son is in his room just laughing like a hyena? It was the funniest thing. His happiness was just exuding from his monitor. Phillip came in the bedroom and asked, "Do you hear that?" How could I not. We just sat there in silence inhaling the happiness coming from our son. It was adorable, innocent, and what every mother prays for. Those are the moments we are to focus on. The right now is all we should concern ourselves with because tomorrow brings another day of worries and tribulations. No reason to stockpile our fear when we don't have to. So right at this moment as I hear the giggling in the background, I am truly grateful. If every laugh is a blessing then right at this very moment my cup runneth over....Please pray for Day 15. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
Deuteronomy 28:1-2
If you fully obey the LORD your God and carefully follow all his commands I give you today,
the LORD your God will set you high above all the nations on earth.
All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the LORD your God:

The light behind the clouds...

2009-08-05T22:17:00.003-04:00

I detest exercise. It is really a silly thing. If we have the creation of a vitamin then why can't we invent a pill that will be equivalent to daily thirty minute exercise? Someone please work on that. The only time that you will see me working up a sweat will always be late at night. First reason is it is the only time that it is mild and tolerable in this South Carolina heat. Second is because of the moon. I have such a connection to the moon. The very creation of it proves that there is a God. I think a God with a sense of humor if you see the man in the moon. He is always smirking at me. Around 10:30 at night that moon is centered right over me and it looks so close that I could touch it. My neighborhood is really just one big circle so half the time I can see and the other half it is behind me. I am always surprised about how quickly my mood shifts depending on the light of the moon. If I am in perfect view of it's radiant light then I feel uplifted and resurged but when the darkness is upon me my thoughts shift to more worrisome thoughts. Last night was just a brilliant full moon. Oh my goodness how beautiful it was. Phillip got home late and so I didn't go outside until around 11:20. He thought it was strange but I knew walking under the light of the moon would help put me in a better mood. Glory to God it did. It was so awesome and so encouraging. I am not one who looks at the stars and feels utterly alone. Rather I feel blessed to know that I have been put in a world that was created by my merciful and loving Father. Even though I was jamming to some rock and roll: I couldn't help myself from smiling up into the Heavens and getting teary eyed over my God. It just gave me such a sense of calm.
Halfway through; this little devil cloud came around and started hovering. Slowly and more slowly it started casting it's shadow over my moon. The cloud looked like it was trying to take hostage over the moon and suck up all of it's light. The cloud didn't stand a chance. Even though it directly blocked the view of the moon for awhile you could still see the magnificence of it's light. It peeked through any hole or corner and just casted a brilliant glare behind it. Finally when the cloud rolled over and the moon was alone again; there was no way you would notice that dark cloud. Even though they stood side by side the moon was just to strong to be under minded by anything beside it. The cloud became unimportant and it vanished away as quickly as it came.
The clouds in our life are exactly the same. The light of God can conquer anything. People see it from miles away because they have heard of your goodness. Nothing can darken the Holy Spirit. Many times in our life we are shadowed by trouble, turmoil, grief, and array of other sad emotions. Heck for some of us we feel like the clouds attack us daily but as sure as the moon has it's glow we have our God. He sustains us by His merciful love so we are to never be overtaken by anything ungodly. Our love for Him should out shine any obstacle in our life. People should gravitate to us for we are called to be the light of the world.
Once again Jesus lifted me up last night. He was with me in every step I took. I was gleaming when I went back inside and Phillip noticed the sparkle in my eye. "Well that must have been a good walk". Oh he has no idea. God is good all the time and all the time God is good. God bless to all of you...
Job 26:8-10
He wraps up the waters in his clouds, yet the clouds do not burst under their weight.
He covers the face of the full moon, spreading his clouds over it.
He marks out the horizon on the face of the waters for a boundary between light and darkness.

A kept promise.

2009-07-31T22:39:00.003-04:00

So when you hear the title off this entry what do you think about? Broken promises? Are you all of a sudden remembering that you promised a friend that you would do something for them this week and completely forgotten? What about telling someone a complete lie and saying, "I promise." to their faces? Check, check, and check for me. I have had a lot of customers come to me this week and just the look on their face shows me they are in need. I always try to develop good relationships with my customers so it becomes very easy to ask what is going on in their lives. One of my favorite customers was telling me had to have a heart cath the day before because he wasn't feeling good. It broke my heart because he is an older gentleman and he doesn't have any relatives near by. After our conversation I told him if he needed anything he knew were to find me and that I would say a prayer for him. Well three days later he comes back in and doesn't look any better. Guess what? I didn't say a prayer for him. Now is my lack of prayer a reason for his worsening health? Not necessarily but could my prayer been a motivator for an improvement? Oh most definitely. I felt so bad. After he left I went straight to the bathroom, fell to my knees and prayed. Lucky for me that my God doesn't matter the location of prayer. There is no refuge in this place except for the bathroom. So again on my knees I fell and asked for God to work his will. A kept promise is a strong thing. It shows the person that you genuinely have an interest in them and vow to help them make improvements in their life. I am so bad at promises even when it comes to my kids and husband. Yet we feel an overwhelming need to promise people everything.
"I promise I will call you."
"I promise we will get together soon."
"I promise to be faithful."
"I promise to love you forever."
I truly believe that more important than a kept promise is a kept promise for prayer. It is more important than returning a phone call or meeting them for dinner. Praying for someone is a true representation of the love you have for them. As Christians we should love everyone right? When you lift that person up in prayer you are presenting them to your loyal and loving God. Think about when you first bring someone to meet your parents. You want everything to be perfect as not to ruin the first impression. Same thing to God. Even though He knows everyone and everything; when we introduce a prayer to Him it lets Him know we take value in this person and we believe in this need. God loves us and our prayers are an important and crucial part of our relationship with Him. Not only does prayer for someone else show Him your loving attitude for others but He loves us so much that He takes each need very seriously. A prayer from you could be all He is waiting for before He lavishes one of many miracles upon us. A kept promise of prayer is also a great tool for testimony.
"I prayed for you. I prayed for you. Oh my brother I prayed for you. And look all is better."
If the person receiving the prayer is not a Christian then it give them a glance into the life of a Christian. They see our faith and our desire to give their problems to our God. If the receiver is a Christian imagine how important they feel that you lifted them up before yourself.
So I want to do something I have been calling to do for a long time. I want you to ask for a prayer in something. I have made it so you can leave a request for prayer and make it anonymous. Even I can't see it who it is from. I promise to fervently pray for you. Whether it be for a marriage, finances, health, or even just to reconnect, then please give me the chance to pray for you. I PROMISE to life you up to my God and present you to His power and grace. I have been blessed to have some new readers and I feel confident in saying they love you enough to do this also. Let someone keep a promise to you that may mean something greater than you could ever imagine. God bless to my faithful friends and followers.
Philippians 1:3-11
I thank my God every time I remember you.
In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy
because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now,
being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart;
for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel,
all of you share in God's grace with me.
God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.
And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge
and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best
and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ,
filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—
to the glory and praise of God.

Forgiveness. An easy word?

2009-07-28T21:56:00.003-04:00

Well last night we had a memorial for our "Uncle Bill". I am still in a mourning mode. When his passing first happened, I think Phillip and I were kind of numb about it. He isn't someone we saw every day but last night seeing people talk about the man he was hit us both pretty hard. The pastor did an exceptional job and his sermon struck everyone in the room in a powerful way. For our family it was especially hard because Bill had become family to us. He spent every important holiday with us and even the not so important ones. Phillip thinks The Masters Sunday is a holiday in itself. Bill was always there. The thing we all loved about him was his candidness about his life and the mistakes he has made. Bill was a Vietnam Veteran who had stories that made you cringe. He went home to a wife and 3 kids and was horrible. That is him talking not me. He was not a good husband and a worse father. He was the first to admit it. He carried that grief with him for a long time. We found out last night through the pastor's words that Bill gave himself to the Lord at the end of last year. It coincides perfectly with the change we saw in him. Last Christmas he loaded his car up with toys and gifts and headed to his hometown. When he got back (just in time to celebrate Christmas day with us) he was glowing from ear to ear. He spent time with his children and now five grandchildren. He asked for forgiveness for what he had done and to his happy soul he felt they had in return forgiven him.
Only one child was their to represent Bill last night. His son stood all alone mourning the loss of a father who he had just began to really know. The two daughters refused to give him a funeral and in fact only came down at the hearing of his death to witness themselves "that a man as mean like that could actually die". Their words not mine. The good news is Bill had a new family representing him. The sad news is two people couldn't look past a man's past to celebrate a man's future with his Lord. The pastor taught on forgiveness in hope one day the two daughters would watch the video tape and hear about a man of a renewed spirit. So it was also hard for our family because we are a house divided. On one side sat a father, mother, daughter, son, daughter-n-law (me),and on the other side was the other daughter. A series of events escalated our emotions to become out of control almost 4 years ago. Since then it has been a house divided. A lot of hurtful words and bad feelings that have been pent up for way too long. A mother and father who probably want nothing more than to have a family dinner with all of us around again. I can only speak for myself but it felt like God put His voice in the pastor's words to speak to me. The weird thing is I have been going around on my high horse for 4 years talking about how I have forgiven her but I wont' forget. Then of course the pastor talks about how true forgiveness is forgetting. UHOH! That if you keep talking about the incident as if it was yesterday then you haven't forgiven anything. OUCH!!! Another correlation was me thinking about my step-father. The wicked man from the south. He beat me, cussed me, and more than one occasion tried to kill me and my mother. Do you know I have forgiven him? I don't think about that. I don't wish this man any harm. I would never in a million years go to his death bed just to witness him being dead. In fact I hope wherever he is at this exact moment that he has accepted the Lord. I would in all honestly love to see the good things about him (and there were good things) in Heaven. Yet I can't forgive someone who didn't actually harm me. Weird...So at the end of the service I walked over and hugged once a family member now a stranger and told her "I loved her". Will it fix things? I have no idea. I could not in good conscience leave there with anymore regret and block out what God was calling me to do. Do I want things to be fixed? I don't know. Some things are better off. No more fighting and a lot less stress and what I feel to be a more God like family. However who am I to sit on a pedestal and demand an apology before I give someone acceptance over a sin? There is only one person who can do that. That is our Lord and Savior. How many times have I failed my perfect God and was forgiven before I even acted? I can only work on today, and my feelings for today, and love everyone TODAY. There just might not be a tomorrow to forgive them then. I don't know about you but I don't want to have so much faith in my Father and work so hard at trying to do what is right to just get to the pearly gates and Jesus look at me and ask, "How can you not forgive when I gave my life to forgive you?"
If you are burdened or carrying around feelings that don't fill your soul with happiness then just let them go my love. It may be something you have to do every single day for the rest of your life but I have to do it too. So does your brothers and sisters in Christ also. We must renew ourselves each day with the Holy Spirit to wash ourselves clean. "Forgive our transgressions, forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." God bless to all of you.
Matthew 6:9-14
"This, then, is how you should pray:"
'Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.'
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

"Happy, healthy, and safe"

2009-07-26T22:45:00.003-04:00

So little man Nickolas is getting into this prayer thing. As for a mom it is something to totally be gushing over but at the same time it is very intimidating on how to teach a 2 year old how to pray when I can barely get the hang of it confidently. So either out of boredom or curiosity he asked if he could keep praying after he said his usual nightly blessings. I was ecstatic and said sure.
"Who do you want to pray for?"
"Daddy?"
"Oh sweetie that is great. Go ahead."
"Well what do I say?"
"Oh I guess you need help with that huh? Well...Just say Dear Jesus; please take care of daddy. Keep him happy, healthy, and safe... Okay repeat that."
"Dear Jesus; pweeze take care uv daddy. Keep daddy happy, safe, and helpy." (Too cute).
So this has been our new routine the past few weeks. He picks random people and can now say that little verse. About two weeks ago a dear family friend was admitted into the hospital. He is called "Uncle Bill" in our household. We told Nickolas about him being sick and Nickolas immediately picked up on the sense to need to pray for him. Last week our dear friend went to be with the Lord. Phillip laid down with his son that night and told him about his Uncle Bill. The next night I was laying with him and he asked me if we should still pray for Bill since he was in Heaven now?
"Well sure we can still pray but Bill doesn't need anything because he is happy with Jesus."
"Is he happy, save, and heavy?" (I am hoping he was meaning healthy.)
"Oh he definitely is. Forever and ever now."
For the first few times I use to wonder if that was a good introductory prayer for Nickolas. I mean is their really a set of steps that I am suppose to follow to help introduce him to the Lord? Now as I think of Bill, I realize it is very basic but very fundamental. We all wish those same things for our loved ones. I know it is exactly what I want for my own children and husband even if I dress it up in other words. Three simple words that describe what we want to attain here on Earth. We weep for our lost ones. Some of us find it hard to ever get pass the depths of sorrow and pain we feel when they leave. How glorious is it though that we never have to pray for there happiness, health, or safety once they have entered into the gates of Heaven? We know as Christians that those needs have been fulfilled. Now when I look at this prayer I have taught my son, I know that in the future I will explain that when we pray for these things we are also asking that one day they be allowed into Heaven to kneel before their Father. We are praying that we hope they have a real and ongoing relationship with Christ so that their fate will already be secured by God. That while we have pain here in this life; and all of us do; we will have an answered prayer when we receive our Salvation. To all of my brothers and sisters in Christ; I pray for your happiness, health, and safety. If not here in this lifetime then most assuredly in the next. God bless to all of you.
Psalm 37-3-4
Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Okay God one more time.

2009-07-22T22:21:00.004-04:00

The other night I was pushing Nickolas in a stroller up this monstrous hill. I was about to call it quits or either my heart was but we saw something really cool that distracted my despair. Way up in the clear evening sky was a cloud filled with orange and pink bursts of light. Nickolas immediately called attention to it.
"Look mommy. That is pretty."
Right about then a big streak of light came poking out from behind.
"WHOA! What was that mommy?"
"That was lightning buddy. Mommy's favorite thing that happens in the sky."
"Me too. I like lighting. Why does it do that?"
Well instead of explaining the reason: (1. because I thought it would be too confusing & 2. I don't know): I decided to use my favorite backup explanation.
"Because God made it and He did it right at that moment so we could see it together."
"Oh okay."
Good enough for me. As we went down the hill the cloud became invisible and our conversation turned to how many kitties are in the neighborhood. Yet as soon as we hit the same spot again Nickolas was already in search of "our cloud". There it was and there was the lightning.
"Mommy did God make that one too?"
"Yep He makes all of them all the time."
"Just for us right mommy?"
While the conversation helped me get over the difficulty of the climb it also encouraged Nickolas to make me go around one more time. Then another and another. Out last venture up Mt. Everest and you could see the cloud was quickly running away from us. Not a lot of bursts of light this time.
"Where is it at?"
"Just wait for it. Better yet ask God to let it happen one more time."
Then in the most pleading voice he asks,
"God please let lightning one more time."
Then of course by only the hands of God it did. You see I am amazed because I truly believe that while God was in the process of planning the creation of Adam and Eve, designing the map of the Earth, and aligning the stars in the sky; that He also planned for that simple blast of light to be for mine and my son's eyes only. How wonderful is our Father that he allowed for the most simplest moments to be gifts that represent His love and His power? I want to raise my kids in such a way that they know God has His say in everything they do and everything they see. I also want to make them aware that when there is a moment that we don't see that flash of light it is not because we are not worthy of it but only that another child of God needed to witness it more then us. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
Job 37:14-16
"Listen to this, Job; stop and consider God's wonders.
Do you know how God controls the clouds and makes his lightning flash?
Do you know how the clouds hang poised, those wonders of him who is perfect in knowledge?

Just tell me.

2009-07-20T22:51:00.003-04:00

So Nickolas has been going through some emotional stuff lately. I assume it is emotional becuase that is the only thing I can come up with to explain his "accidents" in his pants. The first week it was like eight times that week. Since then we have about 3 or 4 accidents weekly. We handled it wrong right from the very start. We did the ignore thing the first two times then the punishment thing two times after that. We should have known better since we know our Nicky is all about the positive reinforcement. The sad thing is his reaction when he does it now. I can immediately tell because it is written all over his face. It seems to only happen when I am just around. That makes me think it is for some attention. I tell him to head straight to the bathroom and he just starts bawling.
"Are you going to spank me?"
"No Nicky, I haven't spanked you yet?"
"Do I have to go to time out?"
"No sweetie."
"Are you going to make me wear a princess pull up?" (Part of a threat tactic)
"No Nicky but I am very sad and we are going to have to talk about it after you clean yourself up."
So after all is said and done he is cuddled on my lap and I try to tell him the benefits of acting like a big boy. This last time he kind of threw a curve ball my way.
"Are you going to tell daddy?"
Now you would think by this comment that Phillip was mean or hurtful to Nickolas when he has his "accidents" but that is quite the contrary. I realized that Nickolas is using this as a bonding time with me and is trying to make a secret out of it. He is trying to exclude daddy from any decision making on what he just did. Uh sorry. Not gonna work on me. You see I had some pretty strict rules before we got married and some strong foundations that I wanted to lay as parents. You would think my role models were my own parents. Nada. They were in fact Bill and Claire Cosby from the Cosby show. Laugh all you want but best parents and spouses ever. So one of my rules was to be a strong team in front of the kids. Later that night we are all snuggled in our bed watching Max and Ruby and I tell Nickolas to tell daddy what he did. {Daddy already knew.} Nickolas first hid under the blankets, then hid under the pillow, then nuzzled underneath me like a scared little puppy.
"Just tell me buddy" daddy says. It seriously took 20 minutes before he would even whisper a sound.
"Nickolas are you scared about what daddy is going to do?"
"Yeah", in the faintest little squeak.
"Buddy look at me. You are just going to have to believe that daddy loves you and as long as you are honest he won't be mad. So just tell me."
Finally little bambino admitted to his potty mistake. To some this little scenario might seem like a big waste of time but it wasn't for me. I need our son to know that honesty prevails everything and sometimes we just have to trust the unknown. Phillip was great in his response as if he knew exactly what I expected him to do. He just picked his son up, gave him a great big hug, and thanked him for his honesty. (No accidents today.)
How many times does our Father do the same thing? "Just tell me child." Oh how many times I tried to scurry away like Nickolas last night. I would absorb myself into TV late at night so I would just fall asleep so fast that I didn't have to face the silence of my bedroom. Or I would hide behind other prayers that I thought more meaningful then my confessions so to avoid the brutal truth. That truth was I couldn't trust God with what His response was going to be. I didn't want to go to timeout so to say. I hid in every dark corner. Heck there were times I would even confess to my Earthly victims in hope they wouldn't tell my Father. Well that doesn't work. You are only left feeling incredibly alone and guilty. I remember the first time I got on my knees and confessed something that had been brewing in my heart for years. I confessed it as if Jesus had no idea. I truly believed I was that good of a liar. Oh how he knew. He had been waiting patiently for years pleading, "Just tell me." You see He forgave me a long time ago but knew I had to forgive myself. It always seems so simple in the end doesn't it? Dear friends don't let an opportunity pass you by to fall on your knees and confess it all. Shout it out loud or barely make it audible but just tell Him. Give it all up to Him so your conscience becomes clean and your Spirit becomes filled. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
1 John 1:8-10
If we claim to be without sin,
we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just
and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
If we claim we have not sinned,
we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.

Why can't we forgive that easily?

2009-07-16T22:01:00.003-04:00

Well needless to say that in the past few days of Phillip's new lifestyle he has had his hands fool. A 3 year old and a 2 year old are no laughing matter. Nickolas and Jocie have been on a rampage pretty much everyday. They have reached the point where "mine" and "I am not your friend" is the most common verbiage used in the house. They are territorial over everything even if they don't understand what "it" is. Nickolas said yesterday that he could do something better and Jocie quickly retorted, "No Nick. You can't do it better it is my better." She has no clue. After a much deserved girl's night out I entered the room and was greeted with adoring hugs. It didn't take long for the kindness to rub off and the jealousy to begin. "My Mommy." "No my Mommy!" Okay time for them to go to bed.
This morning as I was getting ready for work I was hearing my sweet babies in the living room playing together. They were playing mommy and baby. Nick was saying, "No Mommy don't leave me!" And Jocie being the mommy just giggled and said, "Nick Nick you are so funny. I wuv you."
You have to wonder at what age does the heart start being diluted with bad feelings? Feelings of jealousy and resentment that don't simply go away over night. Right now the kids' hearts are so pure and so filled with goodness. They can go to bed aggravated but wake up with not only a renewed physical body but also a renewed spirit and heart. Imagine if all married couples were like that. You go to bed upset about God knows what but you wake up and the only thing that matters is that you truly love that person. I personally think that is the number one reason for divorce. Someone gets their feelings hurt, whether over something big or small, but just can't ever get over it. The resentment turns into a big festering tornado inside you and it just never gets to lay to rest. When a couple decides on divorce and someone asks what happened; some of the answers sound so unimportant. "He never apologized for coming home late," or "She was never satisfied with what I gave her." Really? We are so above just communicating with each other and forgiving. Same way with friendships too. Just one comment can end a 10 year commitment because we are too unwilling to ever apologize. Gosh what a lesson we could learn from our little kids. At night time when we close our drowsy eyes, not only should we search for dreams but we should take all of those horrible feelings of ours and let them drift up to Heaven. Give them God. Isn't that we are suppose to do with everything in our lives; good or bad? Hope you can begin a new day with nothing but goodness pouring out of our Godly hearts. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
Deuteronomy 15:9-10
Be careful not to harbor this wicked thought:
"The seventh year, the year for canceling debts, is near,"
so that you do not show ill will toward your needy brother and give him nothing.
He may then appeal to the LORD against you, and you will be found guilty of sin.
Give generously to him and do so without a grudging heart;
then because of this the LORD your God will bless you in all your work
and in everything you put your hand to.

What is your role?

2009-07-12T23:07:00.001-04:00

Let me go ahead and say that if you are a member of the feminist movement this entry may not be for you. In actuality you will probably detest everything you are about to read but for me I stand by every word of it. What is your role as a wife? Think about your day to day activities with you husband and who sails the ship in your household? If your husband had to describe you to God what would he say? Most of us are chuckling right now. "God you just don't get it. She nags all the time. I mean from morning to end. Can you fix that in Heaven?" Of course we have to keep them on their toes right? I have been thinking a lot lately about my role as a wife. As my kids get older I want them to see a woman who is a great mom and wife. I want it to be something Jocie can aspire to and Nickolas can look for. But I need to define it myself before I can be sure that I am setting a right example. So let me jot down some words that I think would describe me; supportive, good listener, attentive, stubborn sometimes when it comes to being instructed, committed, and a faithful follower. You see my husband is my leader. It is written in the Bible. Ephesians 5:23 tells us "for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church". Now my husband knows that I submit to him but that doesn't mean he has full reign to take advantage of me. Quite the contrary. We have never done anything in our marriage without their being an equal discussion about it. Up to this point Phillip has never had to lay down the "your overruled" card but he could if he wanted to. God has appointed my husband as the leader of this family. Phillip is the one who must decide on the direction of this family and he is also the one who bears the responsibility of those actions. This role of him being the "Leader" makes me no less important. I am just as vitally important and equal. I bear the burden of many things also. I am the prayer warrior for this family. If it were not my deep commitment to God through prayer I honestly believe my marriage and my family would not be as happy as it is. I console and am the healer not only to my children but also my husband. We women need constant verbal and physical attention. "Needy" would be the correct verbiage to describe us. Why do we think men are any different? They also need verbal confirmation and physical gratitude to feel important in the marriage. I think a lot of women after 9 hours of working then 4 more when you get home are quickly turned off by the thought of a physical connection with your mate. We see it as them wanting to be rewarded for nothing when in fact it is their way to connect with us. Same thing as me expecting to get my hair rubbed every night but maybe the pleasure is a little more gratifying for them. How many times do we ask our husbands if they think we are still pretty and attractive but get in a frenzy when they come to close to us when it is time to go to bed? Now don't get all fussy right now and think I am saying please your man all the time. Not at all; but just try to understand how the connection makes him feel. Going to the verbal affirmation; how many times do we say thank you? Thank you for being the bread winner, thank you for making the hard choices, thank you for simply cutting the grass? How about even a thank you for changing the diaper (even though you know it is his turn since you have done it 100 times straight). How many times do you use perverse language to your husband? I have never disrespected my husband with foul language. EVER! While there have been moments of fighting and discontent I will not use words that can not be taken back. Even on a daily basis how many times do you use an angry tone in your conversation?
How many times do you pray for your husband and your husband only? Today at church I did something for the first time and I was very apprehensive about it. During the invitation/alter call of service today I whispered in Phillip's ear, "Can we go down and let me pray for you?" I have no idea what Phillip thought of that. We walked down and I kneeled over my husband as I prayed into his ear. You quickly forget what everybody else is thinking because at that moment it was me, my husband, and the Holy Spirit.
{Dear Lord. We have reached a moment of brokenness. We praise you for it. It is amazing to be here because you have to be broken to be close to you. Please take this wonderful amazing man and make him a better person for what has happened to him. We don't ask for new riches here on Earth but ask you to make him successful so he can be rewarded in Heaven. No matter what happens now may the only result be Phillip becoming closer to you so he can guide this family to Eternity. Amen.}
We go back to our seats and he whispers in my ear, "Thank you."
13 hours later and I think he has said thank you about 6 more times. It was special and sacred to him. It showed him that he had his own personal cheerleader just not a skinny one! HA!
Wives we are called to be of noble character. We are to encourage our husbands as they lead our families to the end of these days. We have to take the stubborn attitudes and the "I do everything" mentality and kick them out of the house. While no marriage is perfect; communication is the key to perfection. Also remember you didn't marry a perfect person you married a perfect sinner. Love him, adore him, treasure him the same way we do our children. The same way our God loves us. Don't put him on a pedestal but stand beside him as he raises us up to God. Support and love him. Most importantly PRAY for him. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
Proverbs 18:22
He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.
Proverbs 12:4
A wife of noble character is her husband's crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.
Proverbs 31:10-11
A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.

"No Nick No!"

2009-07-12T22:55:00.001-04:00

If you have met my daughter you have seen her feisty side. She can be a pistol. Of course the past few weeks she has blossomed into a sweet little girl but the attitude is still there. As of right now it only comes out when big brother does something aggravating. Our last experience was in the bathtub. At first things were calm, relaxing, even tranquil almost and then I looked at the clock and noticed 30 seconds had gone by. Then the first declaration of anger came pouring out. "Nick Nick no" said this sweet girl with water dropping down her head over her baby blue eyes. Nick Nick (as we tenderly call him) had just been doing a brotherly duty and decided he would be the one to wash her hair. Of course he found the biggest cup in the tub and splashed water over that little head. She was furious of course. She looks at me and that top lip starts to spill over into a full blown pout. "Mommy make him stop!" "Jocie" I said, "you do it to Nick Nick. Get him wet." The pout turns into a full blown devilish smile and the water gets quickly splashed over Nick's head. Nickolas giggles and our giggles give him encouragement to do it to Jocie again. "No Nick Nick! Mommy!!!!!" "Jocie do it back." "Okay!" This went on for about 20 minutes. That is just the simple philosophy of a kid. I can do it to you but you better not do it to me. Is it really just a child's mindset though? Don't we all fall victim to that kind of thinking? We so easily hurt, lie, steal, and become jealous to the one's around us but once we become the helpless prey we cry foul. Why is that? Why do we carry around such a sense of self righteousness when in reality we should all be on our knees covered in humility? Not only do we treat those around us unfairly but how about God? Our lip pouts out when an unexpected even arises. It is like we ourselves are literally drenched with suffering and we scream, "God no!". Then the clouds lift, a rainbow appears and we very easily treat God the same way. We lie to Him and we deny Him. So just to get our attention he returns the favor to us with problems in many different forms; financial, relationship, work, and/or health. So the cycle goes and goes. I guess the old saying of treating people the way you want to be treated should relate to our Father also. Either we can embrace Him and expect a nice hug back or we can deny Him and He will shower us with His tears. Our disappointment in Him becomes His disappointment in us. So the lesson here is to make every action an action of God. Everything we do to be a reflection of the meaning of God. If we do that how can we possibly fail spiritually? We won't keep developing those bad feelings that just keep recycling in our life. I hope you know how much I truly love the person reading this right now at this very moment. May we be eternal friends in Heaven one glorious day. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
Proverbs 11:16-20
A kindhearted woman gains respect, but ruthless men gain only wealth.
A kind man benefits himself, but a cruel man brings trouble on himself.
The wicked man earns deceptive wages, but he who sows righteousness reaps a sure reward.
The truly righteous man attains life, but he who pursues evil goes to his death.
The LORD detests men of perverse heart but he delights in those whose ways are blameless.

You get what you ask for.

2009-07-09T22:22:00.001-04:00

Well today was memorable. Let me just say that. After I tell you what has happened you will find my feelings kind of out of whack. Yet at this very moment I am feeling very calm, happy, and anxious at the same time. Most importantly I am feeling in complete gratitude to my Lord and Saviour. God is good all the time and all the time God is good. It is no secret to most that I have been worrying about Phillip's job for awhile. I mean for goodness sake he is in the textile business. So we knew the company wasn't doing great for awhile but the big thing for me was that I knew Phillip wasn't happy. That I just can't tolerate. I mean you never want to see someone that you love more than yourself ever be unhappy. Phillip and I do a great job at communication so I was kind of surprised a few months ago when we had date night and all of these feelings came pouring out that had been held in for a few weeks. He was sensing things at work weren't going well and I guess he kind of felt at the bottom of the totem pole. After talking to me about it he felt relieved but I felt burdened. One of my biggest fears in life is that one day Phillip might open his eyes and resent what he has done with his life and I saw that fear becoming more real. So the weeks have gone by and while nothing major had changed at work his look on things had. He didn't even want to go to work in the morning which is never good. A big shot to his pride happened on July 4th when something he had been expecting from work didn't happen. I have never seen him more disappointed. You know when you work so hard at something and it doesn't come through like you expect it; you can easily feel like a failure. Well at that point I kind of reached my limit of patience. So the past week I have been praying passionately to my God. I don't think I have ever prayed for anything more unselfish than I have this. I prayed that one day, a random day, that the Holy Spirit would work in such a forceful and aggressive way in my husband's life. "Please God just make something happen for him. You are loving God and you provided us with an array of emotions: love, passion, contentment, and happiness. And while we must use these emotions to have a relationship with you, we must also find something in our life here on Earth that helps us feel all of these things. Let there be a direct light flash unto the heart of my husband and give him a new direction. Let his happiness be the number one priority right now." I mean I can't express all of the prayers. Now to be honest when I was praying I don't really know what I was expecting. Maybe that some man would come up to Phillip on the street and say "Hey you look like you know a lot about sports. Let me give you a job." (Philly loves sports!) Or maybe I was thinking he would simply find a position in our church serving the Lord. I was just wanting him to find a glimpse of something that created a greater and more powerful relationship with Jesus because that is true happiness. Well God never ceases to take care of us. The real test of a Christian is how to handle God's calling. Phillip called me at 11 o'clock this morning to let me know he had been laid off. Okay God not really what I was thinking. While there was a few teary eyed comments Phillip is actually quite happy. "This is an opportunity" he says. "A chance for me to do something that will truly make me happy and God will take care of us." An answered prayer you could say. It has already bonded us because it shows each of us that our love is unconditional. It bonds us closer to our God because instead of blaming Him we have praised Him all day long. I hope that this great opening doesn't get closed before we take advantage of it. Now things are not going to be peachy and rosy. We are middle class Americans with two young kids but we will make it. I have no doubt. The miracle here is not what will happen in the end but what has happened right this moment. God has created another wonderful opportunity to share testimony about His wondrous and amazing powers as our Father. He has opened His eyes and heart to me and given me what I have prayed and wished for. I hope that each person who has a burden or something tugging at them can drop to their knees and start praying. For some those prayers will never see a response to the human eye but that doesn't mean it was lost. It means His will trumped your will and somewhere that answered prayer was laid upon someone else's doorstep. I ask for your prayers for this new adventure in our life. May the end result be a greater glory to God. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
Deuteronomy 32:3-4
I will proclaim the name of the LORD.
Oh, praise the greatness of our God!
He is the Rock, his works are perfect,
and all his ways are just.
A faithful God who does no wrong,
upright and just is he.

I must not give up!

2009-07-01T11:37:00.001-04:00

So two months into the "life change" and I totally suck! Only 10 lbs. lost and 2 gained this week. GGRRR! No excuses or crazy things happening in my life. Just as usual I get way too excited about something and give up after a week or two. Please tell me there is somebody else out there like that?. I thought publicizing my new venture of losing weight would help but unfortunately at this point it hasn't. Phillip has been good as to not say I told you so but I am not sure how much he believed in it to begin with. Can't blame him though. He adores me without a doubt in my mind so he probably thinks I am just making things more complicated then they need to be. I do have a bad history of getting pumped up about something and then quickly falling of the band wagon. I don't know why this is but it is a repetitive characteristic of mine. Started with journals of myself. (Lasted about 6 months) Move on to losing weight, riding a bicycle, reading a book a month, daily bible studies, losing weight, talk to each one of my friends once a week, losing weight, so on and on and on. I think you get the idea. I thought my pact with "M" and us doing this together would be very helpful but that only lasted maybe a good two weeks. So what has happened? I have pondered it for awhile and strangely the reason this time (besides lack of exercise) is my failure to God. Amazingly I have still kept a good food routine. No fries, no caffeine drinks (okay I do have my Sunday after nap one), no late dinners, and all of the other rules I gave myself. This time I kept to that schedule which is a first for me. The one thing that was different was I gave it to God at first and then like everything else I take it back. I prayed to God and asked Him to be in charge of this. Let's face it I am juggling so many balls in the air right now that I can't handle anything else. So why not let God help me out a little? I mean no matter what you put in front of Him, He can handle it. Amazing. So I did. Every morning I was on my knees with my daily prayer of support for myself and "M". I had continual conversations with Him through out the day thanking him for helping me make right choices. So why all of a sudden did I think I could just take those balls in the air back? Guess what happened? Ker plunk...All of them.
So now that I have made this realization I am back on this "life change" path. This time I won't feel alone or abandoned half way through because God is with me all day every day. So here I go again on a new journey. Thankfully my partner this time is someone who won't be mad if I fail because He knows all of my faults before I begin. Thanks to all of you for your support and questions about "M" and I. Let's try this thing again.....
God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
Deuteronomy 20:3-4
He shall say: "Hear, O Israel, today you are going into battle against your enemies.
Do not be fainthearted or afraid; do not be terrified or give way to panic before them.
For the LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory."

My Security

2009-06-30T21:53:00.000-04:00

I was around the age of 8 when God first spoke to me. Weird I know that right? Especially when at that point I had never entered a church or been told about the Grace and Glory of God. Growing I use to live on 5 acres of land. Now that is freedom for a lot of people because you don't have to deal with neighbors, loud radios, or booming cars. For me it was prison because it meant that no one would ever hear what was going on in my house. I remember times screaming as loud as I possibly could, "Somebody help us!", but on 5 acres you only hear your own voice. So it was natural for me as a scared little girl to run in any direction that I could to get away from the violence of my dad. My mother usually encouraged me by telling me to sneak out through the back door and that she would come find me later. She was trying to be a hero in a losing war. Of course I would only disappear for about 30 minutes because I couldn't stand not knowing what was going on behind closed doors. We were surrounded by nothing but trees. Good gosh the trees. I mean we lived in some crazy woods but it didn't take long for me to navigate my way around without getting lost. I knew a creek in the back was the end of our land and an old rusty gate on the right wouldn't let me go any further. So I thought it pretty odd one evening when I found an area that was completely leveled. Almost a perfect circle of pasture that couldn't have been any wider than 50 ft. Right dab in the middle was a pile of perfect white washed rocks about 3 ft. high. This place instantly became my sanctuary. It called to me like nothing ever had. I felt that if I sat on top of those rocks I became invisible. My first encounter with these rocks is when God first talked to me. My soul became calm and a promise was given to me. "Everything will be okay! Your life will be so much better. I promise. Just stay here." I don't remember how long I stayed there the first time but I do remember that day turned into dusk. I also don't know how many times I returned there but I found it every single time. Those words stayed in my heart. Sometimes I repeated them back in vain. "What happened to your promise? Nothing is better." Now I repeat them back in praise. "Thank you My God! You have delivered your promise." I drove back to that spot about 3 years ago. Why? I have no idea. Maybe I wanted to see if the demon of my past still lived there, maybe I wanted to see if I made it all up in my head, or maybe I wanted to see if my rocks were still there. I was amazed to find that it was all gone. The trailer, the trees, and I am sure the rocks. Someone must have bought the land and maybe sensed it was a place that needed to be destroyed. I was thankful for that. As for the rocks; I didn't need to wonder what happened to them. You see those rocks represented my security and salvation in God. I still have them even though they are invisible to the human eye. That promise lingers in my soul and it helps give me a strong foundation of optimism. "Everything will be okay! Your life will be so much better. I promise. Just stay here." It even applies to me this very moment even though I can't imagine a greater life. Yet there is one. An eternal life with my Father where promises are never broken and I will never have to separated from the One." About 7 years ago I did my first bible study with a church. A little frightening at first for someone who doesn't know the bible that well or doesn't want to look incompetent about the history of God. The very first (I mean the very first) lesson was about Elijah and when the Lord appeared to him on the mountain. The Lord shielded Elijah as he destroyed the mountain with the wind, terrified him with an earthquake, blazed him with a fire, but then presented Himself to Elijah through a whisper. Through all of that commotion and terror; God's presence was the most intimate through a whisper. There he was on a cleft of rocks when he encountered his God. Amen! I hope your security comes that easily. I hope you wait in excitement for God's eternal promise. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
1 Kings 19:11-13
The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD,
for the LORD is about to pass by."
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind.
After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake.
After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire.
And after the fire came a gentle whisper.
When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out
and stood at the mouth of the cave.
Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"

"Yeah My Place!!!!"

2009-06-17T14:36:00.000-04:00

So last night we did the most exciting thing our new family has ever done. Let me back track for you so you know all the details.
Every morning and evening we drive through a little city called Fountain Inn on our way to the kids' nanny's house. There is nothing that sticks out in this town. It is so small that you could name the number of residents in this small town faster than reciting the ABC's. You have your fire department, your city hall, a new CVS, a furniture store, and one rinky dink restaurant. This restaurant has been labeled as "Nicky's place". I can only assume since it is the only thing that is visible to the eye that is why he has been drawn to it. There is a big rocky stone mountain in front with a waterfall. So when Nickolas first saw it 6 months ago, there has been no turning back. Every morning, "Mommy there is my place!" Of course now that Jocie is talking, she too has now demanded a place. Now the furniture store has Jocie's name all over it. Hey what can I say; it placates her.
The reason we never stop is, well it is always dead there, so what does that tell you? However I decided it was time for Nickolas to take ownership of his "place". I picked him and Jocie up last night and told him that there was a big surprise. "What is it mommy?" "Well sweetie it is out there just waiting for you to find it." So off we went on our journey. Giggles are getting higher and screechier in the back seat. We come to a stop sign and there beside us is Nicky's place. Since no cars really roam this town I just sit there waiting. My eyes scan his face through the rear view mirror. I am just waiting. Then I see the gleam get brighter and the smile get wider.
"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy, daddy is at my place. And oh mommy, maw may is there too. YEAH!!!!"
I turn in the parking lot and off we go. None of us could have predicted the reaction of Nickolas. This was like Santa, Easter Bunny, first bike, and chocolate cake all rolled into one. It was so adorable. Of course his excitement didn't bother anybody else since the restaurant was completely vacant. I won't even discuss the food. At this point I am just wondering how long this place is going to survive. We'll handle that when we get to that point.
You can just learn so much from a child. Nickolas developed a daily relationship with this untouchable thing. He never knew what was going on inside or when he would enter but he had faith. Just that simple childless faith and assurance that what he wanted was his. It can be just that easy. Daily I think about Heaven. I have no idea what it will truly be like but I have daily assurance that it is MINE! When my ride stops and I look over and see the door open; I too will have that same goofy grin. I will jump up and down and celebrate will all of my loved ones who are there waiting for me. "My place, my place!" Of course I know the food will be so much better and the place will be jam packed. No way is my place going to shut down anytime soon. My place will be His grace for me. Can't wait to see ya there. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
Genesis 28:16-18
When Jacob awoke from his sleep, he thought,
"Surely the LORD is in this place, and I was not aware of it."
He was afraid and said, "How awesome is this place!
This is none other than the house of God; this is the gate of heaven."

In her own time...

2009-06-17T14:09:00.000-04:00

Well my darling Jocelyn just celebrated her 2nd birthday. I can't even believe it. Time has flown in such a whirlwind that I remember everything and remember nothing at the same time. While I was so busy trying to soak in everything that was happening with her; I also missed so much too. It was absolutely amazing the morning she woke up on her birthday. It was as if her mind recognized she was 2 and it was playing catch up to make sure she was mentally where she needed to be. She wakes up fully aware it is her birthday and asks for her cake. After explaining her party is later she runs to my room and searches for my pink finger nail polish. "Party time" she says. So we doll up for the day doing hands and feet this time. It was my favorite part of the day.
I had dinner with some friends a couple of days before and was commenting about how I was worried about her development. "She doesn't know her colors yet. Nickolas knew everything by two. Or your kids the same?" (FYI: this is a typical conversation every time when a group of two or more women who have kids get together.) So fast forward back to birthday and all of a sudden my child knows every color of the rainbow. Nickolas got a new Spider Man bed that day and Jocie is so excited about the colors. "Look Nick Nick, it is red, blue, and white!" I am perplexed and Phillip feels vindicated. He felt I was overreacting. Of course I had to remind him that he was the same way when Nickolas was 14 months and only said "apple" for 3 weeks straight.
It is an amazing feeling to see your child grow physically and mentally. I made a slide show in honor of her and I was left breathless. To see that it only took 175 pictures from newborn to a perfect little princess in a 12 minutes video.
You know our hearts are exactly the same way. I really feel that most people just wake up one day and know that it is time. It is time to catch up to the pain and the heartache of our past. Time to wake up and see the errors of our ways and the results of our transgressions. A moment where you realize you have to mentally catch up with your spirit. What would your slide show say about you. How many pictures of your life would it take to see the moment where you really "got it?" When the newborn turned into born again.
Oh dear brothers and sisters; don't let another moment pass you by. It is time to grow up and look up. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
Job 32:8-10
But it is the spirit in a man, the breath of the Almighty, that gives him understanding.
It is not only the old who are wise, not only the aged who understand what is right.
"Therefore I say: Listen to me; I too will tell you what I know.

They never forget.

2009-06-01T22:37:00.000-04:00

So my kids are finally growing up. In some ways that is a great thing. In other ways it is scary. Now they understand and remember. My technique for controlling my kids use to be promising something for later and by that time they would completely forget about it. Genius I thought. WRONG!!! Nickolas woke up one morning requesting a chocolate milkshake. "Sweetie you can't have one this morning but mommy will bring you one when I pick you up. Promise!" So after a hectic day and my scattered thoughts I go pick up my children. I was perplexed when Nicky zoomed right by me and ran smack into the car. He literally climbs through the window and starts bawling. "Nickolas what is going on with you?" "You promised me my milk shake. You are suppose to be my best friend!" Ouch! Nickolas was over the trauma. The milk shake came just 15 minutes later into the car ride home. I learned that I need to deal with a problem at that moment then delaying it later with a promise that I have no intention of fulfilling. However there are perks to the new enlightened memory the kids have. That is the constant mention of Jesus and the promises that He will fulfill. Nickolas is starting to notice that Jesus is mentioned in all the songs he hears in the morning. It is a great opportunity to introduce them to all that Jesus has planned for them. Jocie being only 2 can't really grasp it yet but hey my girl can already recite The Lord's Prayer. So after our prayer in the car every morning I try to get the kids to talk about what they would like from Jesus that day. We try to pray for good things for our friends, family, and ourselves. It is awesome when my son gets in the car in the afternoon and says, "Mommy Jesus did let us have a good day today." It is also great to discuss why sometimes Jesus doesn't give us what we prayed for. "Mommy it rained even though we asked Jesus for it not to." "Well Nicky, maybe somebody else prayed that it would rain and Jesus felt that the flowers and trees needed the rain more than we needed the sunshine. You still had a fun day. Right?" Thankfully Nickolas hasn't played the "your suppose to be my best friend" card yet when it comes to Jesus. Thankfully. I pray that the daily interaction will always let them remember that their God is always there. I pray that you also have that daily interaction so that you too will never forget His promises that He has in store for you. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
Proverbs 8:33-35
Listen to my instruction and be wise; do not ignore it.
Blessed is the man who listens to me, watching daily at my doors, waiting at my doorway.
For whoever finds me finds life and receives favor from the LORD.

Camp Hope

2009-05-17T22:02:00.000-04:00

Well I just got back from a powerful and overwhelming weekend. I was at Camp Hope which is a camp that helps counsel children who have lost one of their parents. It is the second time I have done it. There was a two year gap because I was too busy popping out kids. HA! I forgot how emotional of weekend this is but at the same time how inspiring it is. There were 13 girls and 12 boys who ranged in ages from 6-14. You feel an instant connection when you meet these kids before you even hear about the stories of their loss. You can spot across the room those that are visibly hurting and then you are taken a back when you see the most happy child burst into tears when they talk about their loved one. All of the stories are sad but some are so intensely bitter. You had two adorable boys who were left behind when their father who went missing for 24 hours was then found in his car with a bag over his head and a bullet in it. We had two boys whose father had just recently been on the news for beating and killing his girlfriend in front of a convenience store and was then later found dead after he too shot himself. The most heart wrenching for me was a brother and sister who recently lost their 29 year old mom to colon cancer. Their father (who had not played a vital role in their lives) now has sole custody of them. This man dropped his two kids off for a weekend retreat with only a plastic bag with a swimsuit for each. That was it. No other clothes, or soap, or toothbrush, or even a bath in the last couple of weeks it seemed. We gave the little girl a bath at the end of the night and she looked like a different child. I wanted to pack her up in my suitcase. At the end of the night they each had the opportunity to light a candle and read a letter to their loved one. It was so emotional and tender. To hear a little 6 year old read a letter to his dad about missing him tears your heart up into a million pieces. There was a strong union among these kids that was truly formed by the Holy Spirit. At the end of the night I walked into each of these girls rooms and prayed over them. It truly is the only thing I could do for them. I will never see these kids again but they taught me an important thing. Love your kids. Love them with all your heart and all your soul. Give them to God and let them learn how to lean on God. He is everlasting. It truly is the greatest gift we can give our children. The knowledge that there is someone that will never be taken away from them. A constant companion and devoted loving Father. I came home and was the best mom I have ever been. I would love to think the rest of my days will be like today but I am no idiot. I will fail a million times but that gift will make me a winner in the eyes of my children and my Father. It is like that old saying "Live each day like it's your last". For some of us that may soon be the truth. We have a lot of ground work to do to lay a solid foundation for our children. Time to get to work. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
Deuteronomy 6:6-8
These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts.
Impress them on your children.
Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road,
when you lie down and when you get up.
Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.

2 weeks down and a lifetime to go.

2009-05-17T21:38:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to update everyone on my "Life Change" progress. It has been a hard two weeks. I have pretty much did a 180 when it comes to my eating habits. The first week was horrid and I felt terrible but this week has been a little bit easier. I still have major temptations but have been able to fight them off fairly well. Prayer has been the consistent thing. I sometimes feel that God would like for me to stop praying for the same thing. Then I realize God wants nothing but honesty from me and that is clearly what He is getting as excruciating as that might be. My friend "M" has had a rougher week but I know that she will get there. We still have our humor but right now we need the support of each other more. Only 7 lbs lost but hey it is 7lbs. The most important thing is that it makes me 7lbs healthier to be here for my babies. Continue to keep us in your prayers because that is the only we are going to survive this without killing each other! God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
1 Corinthians 10:12-13
So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.
And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.
But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

It's Time

2009-05-05T22:58:00.000-04:00

I have never talked about or seriously dealt with the one problem that seems to be infiltrating my life. The one addiction that will eventually be the end of me if I don't get a serious grip on it. That is of course my weight. It is without a doubt out of control. One of my dearest friends and I always have our daily banter about our weight issues. We think that comedy will heal all of our problems. Deep down though it has affected both of us to the core and I think we are both just finally ready to admit it. The weird thing is we are both pretty confident people. We both know that we are pretty women with really great blessed lives. Unfortunately that abundance of happiness has filled up our bellies too. Today we decided to take a stand together. We are going to commit to each other an attempt to get things back in order. The exciting thing is that it is the first time that I have tried to make a change with someone else. It is so refreshing to have someone by you that can share the stories and the traumas together. Kind of like a new marriage I suppose. We both have a goal and hopefully will get there together. My new approach is going to be very different. This time it is going to happen through God. I told my friend that I was going to wake up every morning and spend separate prayer time just for this situation. I was going to ask for the Holy Spirit to help us fight our temptations and help make our bodies the Holy Temples they should be. People I think this is going to work. I ask for your prayers in this. Prayers also for my "M". It is a serious temptation just like stealing, alcohol, and drug addiction. We both have a wonderful life ahead of us and we don't need to keep trying to circumvent a happy ending. I am sure there will still be a lot of daily banter and harassment from each of us but it will make it more fun. I just want to get it out there in words so I kind of have more of a responsibility to deal with it. So once again pray for us please with this. How amazing is my God though? In a time when I am desperate for help he provides me a companion who is dealing with the same pain. I am constantly in awe how The One finds time to put the right person in my life at exactly the right time. I am so eternally grateful for His care and love for me. Nothing in this earthly world is insurmountable. Especially when there is a Father who can deliver you from any depths of hell to only raise you up to the highest peak of grace. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
Psalm 55:12-14
If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it;
if a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him.
But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend,
with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God.

Way too early and too soon.

2009-05-03T22:18:00.000-04:00

My son Nickolas is my world. There just isn't enough words in a dictionary or enough time in my life to express my feelings about him. It is the same for Jocie and Phillip too but there is something about that first born. The best thing about Nickolas is his innocence. It is sweet, endearing, pure, and simply a gift from God. I know that all kids start out innocent but it doesn't take long for people to rip that away from them. There are parents that can't take responsibility, there are just mean mean people, and there are other kids that are very convincing. Even when I teach during Sunday School it is easy to sort out the good seeds from the bad. Nickolas is most definitely a good seed. So I was torn in two when last week he comes out of the bathroom and says his first cuss word. I won't repeat it but it was definitely bad bathroom humor. I was stuck in a moment of terror. I teared up so fast that I think Nickolas was in a state of shock also. He said "The Word" so simply that it was easy to see that he didn't realize the impact of the word. He was only startled by my own reaction. I had to take a deep breath before I even said anything. I didn't want to frighten him but I also didn't want to make the word more inviting to him. He didn't even have to tell me who he heard it from. I knew automatically. It was from a boy that he sees at his sitter's house. This boy is a bad seed but who is the blame for that? His parents? His public school? Who should be punished for his transgressions? Now I know this is over one silly word but isn't that how bad things start? One silly stupid irrational step is all that it takes to continue on a detrimental path. How do we as "good parents" block the wrong path and try to set them on the right one? Since I am early in the parenthood stage I can only resort to the one thing I know. Prayer. I truly believe that my prayers every night for my children is the only thing that will shield them from the bad seeds. I pray that the Holy Spirit swells up in them and takes them over. I pray that the wings of angels wrap around my children and protect them from evil. I pray that God shelters them every second of every day. After all who can go against God? I encourage every person reading to become a good seed. You don't realize the impact you have on other people. Even people that you may not personally come in contact with. One bad word heard by your children can spread like a virus. Prayer is the only antibiotic to shelter your children. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.
Deuteronomy 6:6-8
These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts.
Impress them on your children.
Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road,
when you lie down and when you get up.
Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.

Too many friends, too little time.

2009-04-20T22:59:00.001-04:00

I love God. I mean He created everything perfectly. The way he designed the ocean to meet the land. The layout of the stars in the sky. Complete perfection from a perfect Creator. But......If there was one thing I could change it would have to be hours in the day. At this point in my life 24 just doesn't seem to be enough. I have tried cutting down sleep to a bare minimum at this point and still can't finish one day with a completed checklist. I don't write to you guys nearly enough. I don't spend enough time with my family. I never exercise. Of course there could be 40 hours in a day and I probably wouldn't find time with that. I really wish I could have a set schedule for each minute of the day that doesn't leave anything of importance out. That way I could spend at least an hour a day with a friend. I don't think I am one who has "A Lot" of friends but I have people that I should really commit more time too. Not just for them but especially for me. I love having dinner with some great friends. Girls or guys. Who cares? As long as they are adults and know the frustrations of being a parent, a spouse, an employed person, a child of at least one crazy parent, and the terrifying revelation of becoming old; then I am bound to have a good time with them. I love when I see an old friend and we have the best time ever. We vow to do this again and then before you know it.....it is 6 months later. I get so upset that we didn't commit to a specific date. It just doesn't make sense to not give yourself some time off to have that kind of fun. Why do we deprive ourselves and our friends that kind of happiness? There is nothing better than dishing the dirt with a girlfriend. You can talk about the crazy things your husband did that week. You relieve a lot of stress. You of course then go home and then dish the dirt to your husband about your girlfriend. It helps you reconnect with yourself and that is truly a very gratifying thing. The past 2 weeks I haven't found time for a whole lot of people. I let small unnecessary inconveniences get in the way. Then I have nothing to show for it. Just an itching to spend time with somebody who feels exactly like me. I find it ironic that when I tend to close out the people around me I will also close out God. It so frustrating to me that I can't imagine the frustration that He feels. "Come on child. Tell me what is new. Let me be your laughing partner and your crying pillow." I know God. I know. I know. I sometimes can read my Bible or even do a devotional and still not give up a few minutes of time before bed to talk to my Lord. No wonder God doesn't give us a few more hours in a day. 24 is torture enough for Him when I choose to ignore His presence. Okay not really ignore because I have become more increasingly aware of His presence every minute. I just don't take the time to "Dish the dirt" with him. Kind of like I can email a friend or give a quick text. But wouldn't reserved time set a side just for them be so much more meaningful? So tonight I am going to have a date with God and give Him some me time. I hope that you do the same if you don't already have Him on your itinerary. Oh my don't I have a lot to gossip about. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.

Ecclesiastes 3:11-12
He has made everything beautiful in its time.
He has also set eternity in the hearts of men;
yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live.

A day above all days!

2009-04-09T21:43:00.000-04:00

In a few days we will be celebrating the greatest day of the year. Easter is the Super Bowl for Christians. How can it not be important? The day that our Lord descended into Heaven to redeem His rightly throne is amazing. I don't think I can ever wrap my mind around the events of that day. I can't wait to meet John or one of the other disciples and listen to their stories of that miraculous event. The gleam in Peter's eye when he talks about His Lord revealing himself to them. The way they describe the light in Heaven as it opens up and takes our Father in. However as I grow into my Christianity the story of Good Friday is becoming my favorite day. What can I say I am a sap for sad stories. A sad story. It is so much more than that. It is just another thing that I can't fathom. Jesus goes to the Mount of Olives and desperately pleads with His father. Then fights with Satan as He is tempted to not complete the task at hand. He prays, He prays, and He prays! "Father of Mine". He takes the long track down the hill and must face His followers with eyes that show assurance and strength. He displays no fear at all while the others tremble in worry as the Roman Guards take their Messiah away. We know the rest of the story but do we really feel the rest of the story? I am so grateful that I am a mother for of course all the obvious reasons. I look at my two kids every day and I am in awe. Yet the one thing greater than my kids is My God. Knowing the sacrifices I would make for my kids helps me understand the SACRIFICE Jesus made for me. He was beaten. He was humiliated as He carried His own cross down the streets. He was put in between two men who were considered under the law "Irredeemable". He hung there! He hung there in silence with no consolation from His Father but only weeping from His mother. My heart completely aches. At first it use to be sadness but now it is the knowing that brings me to tears. Knowing that Jesus thought of me the whole time. Thought of my life, my soul, my sins, and destiny. He died for me! Died for my salvation. Died for my eternity. Now that is a Father. How can I not cherish that day above all days! God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.

John 14:1-4
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God;trust also in me.
In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you.
I am going there to prepare a place for you.
And if I go and prepare a place for you,
I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.
You know the way to the place where I am going."

A perfect sinner.

2009-04-07T22:10:00.000-04:00

No relationship is perfect. No matter if it is between best friends, mother/daughter, and especially husband and wife. I love to shout the praises of my wonderful marriage but let's be real. There are always issues. For instance Phillip has major anger management problems. It use to be in regards to anything he was a part of when we first started dating. Whether it was someone cutting him off in traffic or him losing a basketball game. Watch out! Now it is only in regards to his PlayStation or Clemson sports. The things that come out of his mouth are a little scary. Thankfully the kids are asleep and I am in the other room. Now out of kindness let me share a fault of mine. I spend too much money. Way too much money. The bad thing is my husband will ask how much it is and I totally fib. I like to say fib because it is a nicer way to admit that I lie. "I got it on clearance for $9.99 sweetie." {It totally cost $50.} I use these 2 scenarios since it is our major issues. We always find a way to get through our little obstacles but the point is no one is perfect. While in church the other day our pastor asked everyone who had been married over 50 years to stand up. There were only a few couples but I think they got a louder clap then veterans do on Memorial Day. One gentlemen said, "The key to their lasting marriage was realizing that God loves all sinners. Why do we expect perfection from a spouse when even God knows they will falter?" It was an awesome comment. So awesome that even Phillip commented on it later that evening. "Didn't you think that was really cool babe? You can be married to someone whom you know is perfect and also a sinner." We still have our issues. The lesson didn't mend everything but it definitely gave me two things to reflect on.
1.) It is totally possible that my "Philly" can love me completely with all my flaws. I am not saying it is now a free pass to do all wrong. I can just be more accepting of my own sins and realize the sad truth might be better then a horrible lie. Phillip married me with unconditional love. All consuming, all powerful, and all knowing love.
2.) It is totally possible that my God can love me completely with all my flaws. I am not saying it is now a free pass to do all wrong. I know that my Saviour will always welcome me into forgiving arms. He knew me before he created me. I can be more accepting of his complete love. My Father made me with unconditional love. All consuming, all powerful, and all knowing love.

The lesson learned for me is to never set somebody up on a pedestal when even God doesn't raise us that high. God made us all different and unique. Perfect and yet never perfect. So I do have a perfect marriage with a perfect sinner. God bless to all my faithful friends and followers.

1 John 4:17-19
In this way, love is made complete among us
so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment,
because in this world we are like him.
There is no fear in love.
But perfect love drives out fear,
because fear has to do with punishment.
The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
We love because he first loved us.

Mine! Mine! Mine!

2009-04-07T21:45:00.000-04:00

"Mine!" That is the number one word in our house right now. It is always stated in the same demanding tone the first time it is spoken. The second time it comes out in a loud shriek. You would imagine this word is used only by the two little ones. On the contrary mommy and daddy love this word too. A house of 4 is filled with a lot of love but also a lot of predatory. I don't remember teaching Nickolas or Jocie that word but it was definitely one of their first and now their favorite. By the end of the night I promise to avenge anyone who says it again. "IF I HEAR THAT WORD ONE MORE TIME..." I will leave it up to your imagination how the end of that sentence usually goes. Then at the end of the night, with my hands raised high, I am saying the same word. "God you are mine." It is kind of the only time when you can say "My" or "Mine" without it coming off arrogant, rude, or condescending. When you apply it to your God it sounds proud, loving, and sincere. At least that is how I hear it. Over time all the things you protectively claim as "Mine" disappears. "My lollipop" is gone. "My power ranger" is lost. "My mommy not yours" doesn't stay the top priority. God brings things in and out of our lives for many different reasons. He definitely does not intend to bring us something so we put it above everything else. We turn into an idol and hover over it. When that happens God pulls it away so fast that we don't know what hit us. In the end we will all be left with only one thing. The only thing worth guarding and protecting. Your God is the only thing worth shouting to the top of the mountains for. He sustains us when nothing else will. He remains when all else will fade. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.

Psalm 18:1-2
I love you, O LORD, my strength.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

Where did all those come from?

2009-03-19T22:49:00.000-04:00

My heart stopped yesterday. I think it actually stopped for a whole minute. Something horrific happened to me and I don't even know how or when it happened. Yesterday I just noticed it. You see on Tuesday my son had 6 freckles. 2 on his face (1 under an eye and 1 beside an ear to be exact), 1 on his shoulder, 1 on his back shoulder blade, 1 on his left arm, and the last 1 on his left leg. On Wednesday I looked into his baby blues and I noticed at least a hundred on his face reflecting from that golden sunlight. I was in shock. "Nickolas when did this happen? Who gave you all these freckles?" Of course being a child of unlimited knowledge he promptly responded, "Jocie did.". While the answer was cute and innocent the freckles were frightening. I know I am being overly dramatic. But the freckles symbolize age and I am not ready to deal with the thought of a toddler turning into a big boy. This amazing and awesome soul has been my life for the past 3 years, 5 months, 18 days, 23 hours, and 6 minutes. A little obsessed huh? And the fact that he could have easily placed freckles on his face without me noticing it has struck a chord in me. I guess it is the point of realizing all things grow in time. It frightens me to no end. So of course tonight as my two bundles gaze intensely on Max and Ruby, I focus deeply on every line and curve of their faces. I came to two revelations. First being that these two kids look so much alike in the face it is scary. If they keep the same identical features they might pass for twins in high school. Secondly the knowledge that every piece of them is etched into my soul may keep me sane for the time being. While the features are bound to change and time will force them to grow up, my two babies will never be a mystery to me. Their spirit is so a part of me that I shouldn't hesitate the inevitable. I could never forget how exactly they looked at our first introduction. Jocie had a head full of black hair and my mother's fingers. Nickolas had such a perfect complexion and a calming expression. Well calm for the first 24 hours! Thank you God for designing these two just for me. You created them just as I dreamed. I don't mean the looks but rather the intensity of the love that was created. Many things will change over the years but that feeling will not. Just as I love them and would lay my life down for them, you feel and did exactly the same. You know every line and every curve of my face. You know every beat of my heart. You are my God and I am your child. I love you!
P.S. Thanks for Nickolas' freckles. They are way too cute.

God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.

1 John 4:4
You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them,
because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world

I keep waiting.

2009-03-19T22:18:00.000-04:00

Loves to you all and only deepest apologies for it being so long ago since I have typed any words. So Phillip left me last weekend to have a "guys retreat" at the beach. It is an annual trip and has been taking place for almost 5 years now. At this point I completely know what to expect and know what stories are waiting for me when he comes home. Sometimes I am mortified but we will save that for another story and probably another blog! It is interesting to see how he handles each departure as the years go by. While I know that he missed me 5 years ago, it is obviously harder for him now that little kiddos are involved. I love when he calls and the kids run to the phone to hear that daddy voice on the other line. However my last phone call of the night is my favorite. It is the one that is saved only for me since the kids have usually been in bed for hours by then. It never fails how I pace though when it is about that time. I keep the phone in my hand no matter where I am. What the reason is, I haven't the faintest idea. I have checked the volume a thousand times and the connection a million more. The emotions that go through my head are so erratic too. One second I am excited, then worried, then jealous, then agitated, then comes the relief, and finally I get a sense of calm. You would think by the way that I describe it that he his calling me at 2 o'clock in the morning. Not so. He always calls between 10-10:30. How funny that thirty minutes plays with my head. It is a nightly routine but it can always throw me for a loop. Of course I have to relate this to My God. I imagine how He waits every night for our nightly convo. It is usually around the same time but I laugh to think His emotions are the same as mine. He stands alert to not miss my voice. Then He worries when I toss and turn and not lift my hands up to Him. Does He scowl when I chose to read a book of choice over the Book of Truth? How dare I or why would I pick something over Him? He taps His fingers and stomps His feet while I deliberate about actually praying tonight or not. Then a scowl begins to creep into a smile as He senses my heart giving in to the pull of the Holy Spirit. Finally my God can rest when he hears my words begin. "Hey God. It is me." How would I feel if Phillip didn't call? Again and again that phone never rang. Yet when he came home he didn't feel any guilt or wrong doing. He just wanted to be welcomed into loving arms. A light goes off in my head and I realize that I never want my God to feel that kind of rejection. Unfortunately He has felt it one too many times from this perfect sinner. May you give your God a call tonight. Turn the tv off, stop reading this blog, close the book, and fold those hands. It will be the best call He has ever received. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.

Luke 11:2-4
He said to them, "When you pray, say:
" 'Father, hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come. Give us each day our daily bread.
Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us.
And lead us not into temptation.' "

Luke 11:9-10
"So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you;
seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.
For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds;
and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

A match made in Heaven.

2009-03-04T22:22:00.000-05:00

If you are not a believer in love or don't like sappy words then this entry is not for you. Right at this moment I am lounging in my fave spot with old pajama bottoms and a t shirt that Phillip had when we first met. (Overtime I have taken over the possession of it.) Phillip is beside me in his fave spot with his basketball shorts on and old t shirt that he has probably had since we first met. I am blogging and he his playing games. What a nightly routine we have. When Phillip and I first started talking marriage I had one demand. "We are never to be complacent". I don't know where that came from but I was adamant about it. While I still believe you have to keep the fire a burning, I can't complain to much about this routine. Actually I love it. Right at this moment I am so happy that my heart could burst. There is something to be said about a routine. It develops a sense of comfort and trust. Two fundamental needs required in a marriage. Our daily routine of our life has created such an intimate relationship. I am chillin' beside my best friend right now and I love it. I have always said and will always describe my marriage as a match made in Heaven. It has taken years to form this bond but it is strong and real. All barriers have been broken and all doors open. There is no place in my soul that I haven't allowed Phillip to go in and I know he would say the same about me. You know this kind of relationship isn't just meant for marriages. I have seen this among best friends, sisters, mothers/daughters, etc. All of these relationships could be made in Heaven. I truly believe God knows who is best in your life to prepare you for the perfect relationship. You see I think Phillip is here for a reason. In a way he is kind of like my earthly savior. He saved me from my past, healed me from a broken heart, and helped me give my heart and soul to one person. What a great way to help me prepare for what is in store with my God. Now I like the daily routine. Not only with Phillip but with God. The importance of prayer, conversation, and giving to God is so imperative every day. I learn more about Him and His love for me. I have become more trusting and more comfortable in my true Savior's arms. Thank your soul mate for their commitment to you by sharing the Word of God with them. How great is our God that everything He does is to prepare us for what awaits in us for Heaven. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.

1 Corinthians 2:8-10
None of the rulers of this age understood it,
for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory.
However, as it is written:
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"
but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit.
The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God.

Hope this helps...

2009-02-24T21:45:00.000-05:00

I have a friend. A dear friend I love. Sometimes my words aren't good enough so maybe somebody else's are.

" It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...To...

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out"

Trust me when I say that when we surrender all of our fears and dreams to our Heavenly Father; everything else falls into place. All burdens are cast away and you can focus on the things that matter most. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06AgY5Xoavw&feature=related

Words hurt more than actions.

2009-02-22T21:44:00.000-05:00

Okay so the inevitable has happened but I was really hoping that I would be one of the few who could just avoid the whole scenario. It seems my little sweet adoring 3 yr. old boy has finally turned into a punk. Of course I mean that in the sweetest way possible. He usually is a fantastic kid but in the past two weeks Nickolas has started to change just a little. From the time of 7 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. this naughty little boy comes out to play. The other night his attitude became a little too much to handle. By 7:10 he had already been put in time out 3 times. Each time consisted of giggles and a little sister trying to persuade him to get up. 7:15 was the time for a popping on the leg which initiated a fake cry by him and then more laughing. So I went ahead and put these fiery kids in the bath to calm their attitudes and my nerves. The bath didn't help. Nickolas first pushed his sister while in the bath tub so in a loud voice I forced him out of the tub and into another time out. It didn't even phase him. Only a minute back in the bubbles and next thing I know a push led to Jocie falling over head first in the water. I was outraged. I wanted to scream to the top of lungs but for some reason a calmness fell over me. I pulled him on dry land and looked straight in his eyes. "Nickolas mommy needs you to leave this room right now because I am so sad about how bad you have been. Mommy needs to cry and I don't want you to be in the room to see it. Now please go." For whatever reason this comment effected my son much more than a time out or spanking ever has. Jocie is still in the tub, I am on the floor pretending to be heart broken, Phillip is behind me just witnessing the interaction, and Nickolas heads to the bedroom. Before he exits he turns around and says something that I probably will never forget. He looks at me with such turmoil in his face and says, "Mommy what you said just broke my heart." Then he walks off. I burst into tears. I could not even control the sadness that filled my heart. Phillip wants me to repeat what he said but I couldn't even get the words out. My awesome husband goes to console Nickolas with some tender words but at the same time explains to him how his actions of the night have saddened mommy and daddy. Nickolas was an angel for the rest of the night and pretty good since then. At least now we have a new approach to calming him down. Who knew talking actually worked with a kid? Has anyone ever said to you that you broke their heart? I guess I was emotional about it because I loved someone so much and to think I could cause them so much hurt was unbearable. We as human beings think when bad things happen to us that it is God punishing us. What other reason could there be for getting sick, losing a job, losing a family member, etc.? A true Christian realizes it is just a stepping stone in your relationship with God. You learn from every experience whether it be bad or good. The experience is a chance to become more closer and intimate with Jesus no matter if it is over a celebration or dealing with a tragedy. I wonder though what I would do if Jesus really did speak into a megaphone and say, "My child Kristie, why did you just do that? My heart is broken in two." I quite honestly don't think I could recover. Kind of lucky for me because I have no doubt that I have broken my God's heart on many occasions. Lucky for me too that I have a father who forgave me at the same time I hurt Him. Just like Phillip ran to Nickolas' side to console him, so does My Redeemer do with me. I fail Him daily but He picks me up. The Holy Spirit moves inside of me to make me feel the guilt and the pain of my sin but then the same Holy Spirit works inside of me to become a better person and a better daughter of God. I pray for each and everyone of you tonight. May whatever burdens you have be cast out of your soul. May you realize He forgave you even before you failed Him. I am here for you all if there is anything you need. God Bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.

Ephesians 1:6-8
To the praise of his glorious grace,
which he has freely given us in the One he loves.
In him we have redemption through his blood,
the forgiveness of sins,
in accordance with the riches of God's grace
that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.

The greatest of these is Love.

2009-02-14T22:35:00.000-05:00

Most people assume that today is a day of sweethearts, true love, holding hands, and some kind of diamond gift. Well not me. Well at least not now. This day has been all about my kids. Weird huh? Isn't it amazing how love encompasses everything in this world. Even when we hate it is wrapped up in love. We hate because we use to love them so much before they disappointed us. Or we hate because they remind us of someone we use to love. Or we hate because we simply can't love anymore. Love is all around us and on a day like this it is so visible. Somewhere along the way we labeled love as red roses, pink balloons, and velvet boxes. I use to work at Hallmark so I am well aware of the franchising of this holiday. However today I think I saw it for the first time in a new light. When I was young, my mom never expressed her love to me more than she did on Valentine's. I don't know the reason but she would always go overboard. The biggest card, the biggest bear, and the best chocolate. It is funny how we usually list all the things we will never do as a parent because we detested our parents doing it. I decided that today I would focus on the good of my parents and repeat it. So all day I tried to (okay I didn't try I just went completely overboard) to make my kids feel that special. To feel that loved. At the end of the night I had no doubt if I succeeded or not. I put Jocie to bed as she cuddled tight her new pink puppy dog from her daddy. Then it was time to lay Nickolas to rest. I tucked him in tight and his usual beckoning for me to lay beside him began. As I rested my head next to him I closed my eyes in hope that he would soon close his. After a few minutes he gave me reason to believe that all my attempts today were a success. He leans up, kisses my head, and then leans in close to whisper, "Good night mommy. Happy Valentine's. You make my heart happy." Tears flooded my eyes and my soul. How great love is that in one moment it can instantly take all the pain away. My heart is full and my soul complete. I wish the same for you today. God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers.

1st Corinthians 13
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.