The darkness creeping in...

One of my favorite scenic moments was when I was in Canada a few years back. It was midnight and I was alone on a back porch of a hundred year old farm house. I remember looking out into the pitch black trying to get my eyes to focus on something but it was impossible...

UNTIL...

a crack...a flash...an electric shock...a bolt of lighting...

Then everything was illuminated. I was looking out an enormous wheat field. The wind would blow and it was as if God Himself waved His hand across the field. It was peaceful, serene, and kind of felt like it was all mine...

THEN DARK ALL OVER AGAIN.

I didn't like it. It made me nervous.

This morning I woke up with the bright sun glistening through my window and yet my soul felt exactly like I did that night many nights ago.

Scared, anxious, fearful, worried, doubting, insecure, and unsure.

I hate feeling this way especially now when I spend so much time soaking up the Word as much as I can.

"Yet when I hoped for good, evil came; when I looked for light, then came darkness.
The churning inside me never stops; days of suffering confront me."

Job 30:25-27

How can I be so full of faith in my God one day and the next crumble like bricks? My security breaks and the anxiety sets in. I am filled with so much worry right now that I feel like my heart could explode. Worried about next week, this week, tomorrow, today, the next minute, this second...

"Those on the rock are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away. The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life's worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature."

Luke 8:13-14

It is such hypocrisy when everyday I encourage you and the people around me to never give up in believing...

believing, trusting, needing, desiring, begging, depending, clinging

to our Father in Heaven.

I do not want to be thorns on which God showers His Word upon. I want to be good soil that soaks up His Word and forms good crops. I want to persevere and be FAITHFUL...

steadfast, loyal, open, and receiving to my Redeemer's promise.

"I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."

Matthew 21:21-22

I want the light of my Messiah's love to illuminate the darkness lingering inside of me just like the power of the lightning did over the wheat field. I am tired of staring into a pit of darkness and despair. Oh dear God please free me from my sorrows and woes. A wasted day of worry and dread is a wasted day of not glorifying my God. Please forgive me oh my Lord.

"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin.

Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.

If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you,

O you of little faith!"

Luke 12:27-28

God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers...

P.S. Please say a prayer for me!