I have been in a funk this week. Every mother and/or parent has them. Those kind of funks that says, "Wow I am a really bad parent and a major disappointment." These melancholy moments are pretty rare for me but when they hit it feels like an asthma attack. I just can't breathe and I need an inhaler quick.
As I have already shared with you, this week has been a tough week in our household. Major attitudes are trying to dominate this family and there has been a lot of battles of the minds and mouths. Unfortunately for my kids I have the biggest mouth. I have always promised or rather forced myself to think I will not be like my parents. We all do that right? I won't be an emotionless parent like my mom was. Don't get me wrong she was a loving mother but she never shared how much I meant to her until I hit my thirties and after kids. I also vowed I would never be a physical punisher. I am a strong advocate of spankings but I have pretty set guidelines on when is right and when is not. If a child accidentally spills juice while not paying attention at the dinner table then I am not going to bring out the belt. An accident is an accident no matter what the age. I wouldn't want someone to spank me every time I pulled out in front of a car "accidentally" because I was too busy checking Facebook on my cell phone. (Done way too many times.) However if my child tells me NO when I have asked them to do something; well that is another matter. It was a conscientious decision on their part to disobey. It is then a conscientious decision on my part to get our spatula.
So I think I have the punishment thing down to a pretty good science and then I realize that while I may not physically harm them sometimes I might verbally. If you have ever heard my voice, especially over the phone, you automatically think that I am 12 and that I couldn't harm a fly. WRONG!!!! I am a screamer; a horrible fly off the handle screamer. It always happens when I am trying to do too many things at once. I am not one of those amazing women who can juggle ten balls in the air. I am lucky to not drop two.
This week has been so rough for me. My patience fades way too quickly and I resort to the vocal threat tactics. I am trying to get ready, trying to get the kids ready, trying to get hubby ready, and quickly I snap. Those two sweet little angels are like target practice for me. I don't use foul language but I always use, "OH MY GOODNESS!!! IF YOU GUYS DON'T ________ MOMMY IS GOING TO _________!!!!!" You know how it goes right?
The other morning Jocie happily bounced up into her car seat to only then have a pitching fit because I buckled her in. How dare I? She wouldn't let me finish and she wouldn't let me undo it for her to start all over again. She started kicking those legs. (We were already 10 minutes behind schedule.) I started screaming and then thanks to my peripheral vision I see my four year old cringe. As if he thought there was a chance I would physically harm them. OUCH!!!! It brought tears to my eyes. Deep breath I took and then started again.
I know as parents we all do it but how do we stop ourselves? Can we stop ourselves? Talking to Phillip wasn't the most effective in this case as his philosophy was they won't even remember it. Well I remember a lot of things at the age of 4. I don't want my children to be in their 30's reminiscing on how loud mommy could be when she got mad. The thought of that just mortifies me.
I have been praying a lot about it this week asking for patience and ideas. Then all of a sudden I got in my car at lunch and the woman talking on the radio spoke to my soul. It was a gift from God. The first thing out of her mouth was, "Hear I am screaming at my 2 year old as my 4 year old is cringing. Who does that?" WOW!!!! I didn't even pull out of the parking lot until I heard all of her testimony. Here is this woman who went through the same thing I am going through. The exact same feelings and the exact same upbringing. She has written a book about being a guilty mom. She had great ideas on learning patience and prioritizing your day to help avoid those stressful moments. It really was inspiring and extremely helpful. Then before she closed her lesson she prayed for me. Okay it was a prayer for every woman who was a mom going through difficult guilty intervals but it felt as if the prayer was towards me directly. Once again I am weeping.
Everyone has a purpose and every moment has a reason. No matter what bearing we are on there is a destination that has been pinpointed by God. Don't ignore the scenery around you. He has put certain people in your life to help you and guide you to higher valleys. The hardships this lady encountered as a mother could have taken place so she could lift me up in my time of tribulation. Now I may not be the sole reason for her testimony but who is to say I am not either? My experiences growing up could be to help one person recover from grief they felt as a child or it only happened to make me a better mother. Either way I know that there is a basis for every step we take. Her advice gave me a new stride in my step and a new resolve to do things a little bit differently. I pray it works.
Listen to God's Word not only from the Bible but from the voices of others. Don't deviate from the direction drawn out for you because you lack faith and can't see the greater picture. God knows all and He fills others with the Holy Spirit so they can testify to the greatness that He has to offer. Communicate and share with others as they extend their advice on certain matters that are speaking to your soul. Thank God for designing our life to be one of complete randomness that only He comprehends.
" Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."
Proverbs 19:20-21
God bless to all of my faithful friends and followers...
You always have the right words, at the right moment. Thank you.
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