A big surprise...

The past few days have been very weird for me. Scratch that....Last Wednesday was a very hard day for me and the days that have since followed have been different. Last Wednesday I am sitting in a dreary cold office on a boring conference call when one of my fellow employees pops in to bring me a fax. When I gazed at it I think my mind froze for at least a whole minute. I just couldn't believe what was in front of my eyes. It was clearly from my mother (even though it was a few minutes later before I read her words to me) as the sensitive information couldn't have been important to anyone else. I was staring at the obituary of the man who was my stepfather for 15 years of my life. The man who taught me a lot and at the same time physically and mentally abused me all of those 15 years. After I left home when I was 17 I never saw him again. It doesn't mean though that I didn't always look over my shoulder wondering where he was at. My mom, step-father, and me were originally from a small town in Alabama. I had always hoped that he had decided to go back there once my mother got enough courage to leave him a few months after I did. Over the years I have tried to "google" him and such but never had any luck. It seems my mom was doing the exact same thing. For the last 16 years this man has still been consuming my thoughts and invading my dreams. Now let me say that it isn't an every day, every minute kind of thought but he was always lingering around the corner of fear. I have forgiven this man along time ago and even now can truly be sure of that but it doesn't mean I forgot.

So seeing this obituary just invoked a crazy mixture of emotions that I couldn't even sort through until late that night. The obituary stated that he was back in Alabama and it seemed he died of cancer. There was no funeral but a small memorial then visitation at his daughter's (real daughter older than me) house. He never remarried and I was relieved to see there were no other children involved.

The rest of the day was kind of hazy. I told Phillip and he was shocked too. I think he immediately worried about how long I was going to hold in my true emotions before breaking. I love that he knows me so well. I was also perplexed in the way my mom told me. I mean who sends a fax to their daughter? Not only that but above the obituary was an endorsement from mom that stated, "I love you, Mom-Rejoice!" I mean that in its own will have to be another entry.

I finished my day out with a wonderful night of dinner with some great friends, good conversation with Phillip, tucked my sweet children into their safe beds, and ended up in prayer. My prayer in God turned into a conversation to my stepfather. It was really powerful. I truly believed that if he did receive salvation in his final years that God would let him hear me at that moment. I talked of forgiveness, some good memories and valuable lessons he taught me. Then in the next breath I whimpered in anger about all that he did to me and how I hope he was man enough in the end to accept God. It felt good really good. It was better than any therapy that I could have paid for. I ended up wanting nothing else in this world than to have my husband cradle me in my arms. It was finally over.
Since then I have been at a quiet peace. I haven't had one bad dream in almsot a week. Maybe I will stop bothering all of you with these depressing entries now. Okay probably not. It was like I had closure by having an invincible conversation but hey whatever works right?
So at the end of these many many words you are probably wondering how am I going to relate this event to a lesson about God? Well I worry about my step-father's salvation. I actually am debating on getting in touch with the daughter or pastor, now that I have their addresses, to see if they could tell me about his last years. I guess I would just like to know that in the end he became the man that God always wanted him to be. His life was no less than mine. He was no less of a child of God than I am. God loved him just as He loves me. Our Father witnessed him make horrible mistakes just as He watches me. God could have easily forgave him like He daily forgives me. I am done with judging. I think our time is quickly coming when judgement will be over with and all we have left is eternity.
I urge each of you, including myself, to stop playing around. Don't hide anything from the One who knows all. Just lay it all down and please let it go. There are things I have done in my short life that are worse than what my stepfather did to me and my mother. However by the Grace of God I have been forgiven. While my sins are hard for me to swallow it is amazing to me that He handles it so easy. It is just like when your own children does something so incredibly wrong and all you want to do is pick them up and hold them forever. God does the exact same thing for us every single time. God bless to all of my favorite friends and followers.
2 Samuel 22:2-4
He said:
"The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield and the horn of my salvation.
He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior—
from violent men you save me.
I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and I am saved from my enemies.